so i've been vaguely talking to sophia again; i hate the way that it means so much more to me than it does to her. she texted me on friday night saying 'how come you decide to look half decent whenever we're not together, what a pisstake', which made me feel surprisingly good because it means that
a) she thinks i look prettier than i did when we were going out
b) she might be regretting breaking up with me a little bit :)
and it kinda started from there. i miss her ridiculous amounts; well at least i think i do, i can't tell if its HER i'm missing or the company or the kisses or what.
she said to me 'idk i just kinda miss kissing you a bit, but i dont rly think i cud be mates again after everything, i know that sounds crap.. but yeah =/'
and i think thats how i feel too. i dont know if i'm mature enough to have a friendship with her without craving a relationship too. i doubt it.
after she broke up with me, i hated her... i swear i truly hated her. i just felt like it was so unfair; we argued and argued on a thursday night about how i wasn't making enough effort, and how she felt she was the one always doing everything in our relationship and how it was about time i chased after her for a change cause she was done running after me.
SO i stayed up late writing her a notebook on all the things i loved about her, all our memories together and a big apology at the end saying how much i loved her and cared about her, and i hoped this would make things at least a little bit better. i wrapped it up in spotty paper and wrote her name on it in purple ink.
then at 7am on friday morning i walked to her house (takes about half an hour) and posted it through her letterbox, i also left a stuffed toy of kenny from south park on her doorstep cause she loves south park.
that afternoon i was in a french lesson (except our teacher didnt turn up so i was just sitting in the classroom with the three other girls in my class) and i got a text from her saying 'sophie wtf my mum knows.'
it turns out her mum had come home, found the package, opened it up and read everything. she didnt know her daughter was gay and let alone had a four month odd relationship with another girl.
it was awful. sophia sent me horrible text after horrible text, saying how fucking stupid and selfish i was and how i did it on purpose to fuck things up and how i knew her mum was going to open it and how it was the most selfish thing i'd ever done.
then she said 'my mum never wants me to see you again, and neither do i. well done you fuck up.'
it was one of the most horrible things that has ever happened to me, i broke down and cried and cried and screamed and screamed, and laura had to drag me into the toilets because everybody went silent and stared. i sat on the seat and sobbed for about 10 minutes i think. i've only cried like that about twice before in my whole life; the first time was when me and sophia broke up for the first time, and the second time was when me and mum had a huge argument about my bestest friend cat.
so i screamed and gasped and choked, and then mrs grantham came and knocked on the door and told us to come out because there were people on the floor below in the office who had heard me and reported it.
she took us both into her office and sat me down and told me to calm down, so i tried. then laura went to make me a cup of tea and mrs grantham asked me if i was pregnant (that made me laugh inside a bit) and loads of other questions but i shook my head to all of them. in the end i think she gave up, cos she just said i could come and talk to her if i needed to and then she left me and laura in there until the end of the day.
after that day, i think it was two days before sopha spoke to me again.. and when she did we just argued some more. i think since we broke up we've had about three arguments althouh i dont know if thats right.
this weekend has been the only time i've talked to her when we haven't even really vaguely argued, but i think its just because she was quite horny last night and she had nobody else to talk to and i was willing to be nice, idk.
i also think she may have found somebody else, cause she has '(L)MJ' in her screen name on msn, and on her myspace one of her new years resolutions is ' actually talk to her propa without melting/tripping over something/saying something stupid/generally almost dying.'
so she definitely likes somebody else anyway. =(
i hate it.
she makes some references to us on her myspace too. well she has this whole thing of lyrics which i'm pretty sure refers to me.
'You sold yourself to strangers with Cheshire cat grins. You're blinded by the lights. You're a messageless bottle cast away to sea. You're hopeless. And you're nothing to me, nothing. But even that's something. I've done nothing wrong. Nor nothing right. I won't follow any of the paths you've paved. I'll pave my own. And they'll be yellow bricked, putting yours to shame. You'll follow my paths but you won't get to me. Never again. You'll be lost. Left to wonder 'what if..'. And I'll be here, with a Cheshire cat grin.'
when i read it my heart beat slows down really really slow and it hurts a bit.
one of her other new years resolutions is '- only give people second chances that deserve it/won't let you down.' which also refers to me.
nearly everybody says that i shouldn't let her get to me, that she's horrible and nasty and i dont deserve to be treated like that. they say that i'm prettier than her anyway and i could do loads better, and that she was weird and quiet anyway.
last night cat said to me that i should start being meaner to her cause she's always really mean to me and i'm too nice to her. but that's not true, cause when we argued on myspace the other day i'm pretty sure i said some mean things to her.
she's online on msn now but she's not talking to me.
- Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
- Dry Your Eyes Mate - The Streets
- Straightjacket - Alanis Morissette
- As Is - Ani DiFranco
- You Went Away - Tegan and Sara
