i'm not sick but i'm not well

Today I'm dying my hair, la.

I want somebody who will either put out for me or put me out of my misery.

50 Things I Dislike About Myself


1. My belly
2. My stretch marks
3. My hips
4. My legs
5. My hair when it's being useless
6. My eyebrows
7. My sideburns/ snail trail/ occasional boob hair
8. How clumsy I can be
9. How melodramatic I can be
10. How socially awkward I can be
11. How boring I can be
12. How I never really have anything to say any more
13. How I've never really had anything to say
14. How stupid I can be
15. How ignorant I can be
16. How unmotivated and undriven I am most of the time
17. How whenever I'm with somebody I'll imitate the way they talk and the way they do things because I'm not really sure how to be me
18. How I feel so dull and inadequate around Big House, but such a constrained extrovert in my own home
19. How I'm really not very funny any more
20. How I'm really not very intelligent any more
21. How irritated I've become with people
22. How the lustre and excitement of Brighton has almost completely faded already
23. How sad and angry I've become for no real reason
24. How I always tell myself I'll get thin but then never do anything about it except throw up occasionally
25. How trapped I feel but how I hate myself for being so fucking self absorbed and how I should really man up but instead I cry and wallow like an idiot
26. How I feel like not enough tragedy has happened in my life to make me an interesting or worthwhile person
27. How much like my mother I can be
28. How much like my father I can be
29. How selfish I can be
30. How jealous I am, all the time
31. How I feel like I'm causing my own insanity but I'm too weak to do anything about it
32. How I'm not really into music like I used to be
33. How nothing's really exciting any more and how I can't tell if things have become dull or if it's me that's become dull
34. How dependent I am on Triston
35. How scared I can get
36. How I can't handle my alcohol
37. How I lie a lot about small things without really thinking about it
38. How restless I can be
39. How cold I can be towards others when I'm angry
40. How lazy I am
41. How apathetic I can be
42. How I can't sing
43. How I can't draw
44. How I can't dance
45. How I can't really talk to strangers any more without feeling socially inadequate
46. How I can't really talk to anybody any more except Triston and Cat without feeling socially inadequate
47. How I don't even really know how to act in front of my own family
48. How I have this ridiculous obsession with being 'cool' and how I get so frustrated with myself when I'm not exactly how I picture myself to be
49. How I have this ridiculous obsession with 'if I don't do this in a certain way I'm going to die' and I can't stop thinking it no matter how hard I try e.g. if I don't go and make toast and come back to my room before this song finishes, I'm going to die; if I don't get to town before 3pm, I'm going to die. The worst are things I can't even determine, like 'if my tutor's wearing green today, I'm going to die' or 'if the hot water decides not to work today, I'm going to die.'
50. How I can't be completely alone for more than a few hours without doing the following (not necessarily in this order): cry, have a panic attack, eat too much, throw up.

And I feel right at home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my ways.

I feel despondent and distracted 99% of the time; 2012 has not really started well.

Well I don't know; Christmas was beautiful as was New Year in France with Triston and my parents. On New Years Day it was unexpectedly sunny with clear blue skies and crisp cold air so we semi climbed up a snowy mountain with beautiful views and oh my god I'm not sure that I've ever felt quite as happy.

But since then it's really gone downhill - as soon as we got back from France I just didn't feel right and was miserable and boring and cried. Then on the drive back to Brighton we stopped at a service station to get cigarettes, and there was a huge puddle on the slip road leading out which we couldn't pass - Triston and I argued about which way to go and I ended up violently stalling the car and yelling at him and slamming my hands on the horn and swearing and eventually I burst into tears which didn't stop for a long, long time.

Bits have been okay since we got back; we went to visit Doig who has alcohol poisoning from spending New Year's in Scotland and had curry and watched silly films, I was sort of happy then. And Cat briefly came over to pick up her flatlet keys and i hadn't seen her for forever, and I had pretty good sex yesterday, um. It's hard to explain: it's like I'm just indifferent to people and and my course and Brighton and my finances and my appearance and food and drink and music and pretty much anything that has ever happened, is happening or will happen. The only things I really ever feel myself wanting to do are smoke cigarettes and sleep. Occasionally I also want to play on The Sims 3 or go for a walk or have sex.

I'm writing an essay on Madame Bovary which is pretty relevant I guess.

'Deep down, all the while, she was waiting for something to happen. Like a sailor in distress, she kept casting desperate glances over the solitary waster of her life, seeking some white sail in the distant mists of the horizon. She had no idea by what wind it would reach her, towards what shore it would bear her, or what kind of craft it would be - tiny boat or towering vessel, laden with heartbreaks or filled to the gunwhales with rapture. But every morning when she awoke she hoped that today would be the day; she listened for every sound, gave sudden starts, was surprised when nothing happened; and then, sadder with each succeeding sunset, she longed for tomorrow.'