I get this horrible sinking feeling sometimes that I'm incredibly irritating to everybody around me, particularly to those who I love the most.

no amount of coffee, no amount of crying.

I've spent today largely feeling very alone. This is disconcerting;  today I went into town and had a chat with Nigel who is the head of Personnel Selection, a recruitment agency I went through to get my waitressing job last week. He was really kind and sweet to me and concerned that I didn't get enough breaks and said that he'd write to the catering company to complain, and assured me he'd phone as soon as any more work came up. While I was there I also saw two of the guys I worked with, who were equally kind and sweet and chatty to me. Then I went to Big House where I spent the afternoon with Holly, Alia and Charlie - who were all (as usual) friendly and good humoured and enquired about how I was and what I'd been up to and we chatted for hours and I played them some music I've gotten into recently which they really liked. Then I got the bus home and Butch, James and Becky all asked where I'd been all day and if I'd had a nice time and again, they were all interested and nice and gave me hugs. And Doig's been texting me today and I've spoken to Cat on facebook, and even though Triston's revising he's been coming in my room occasionally to kiss me and squeeze me and tell me he loves me and make some inside joke or another.

I really don't understand why this isn't enough.

So my hair is purple and even though I've finished for summer I really don't feel like I have yet; I think it's partially because nobody else has finished and partially because I always get into these habits of holing myself up with music and computer games and cigarettes and my diaries - and it's nice up to a point, but then I forget how much being on my own for too long makes me anxious and blue. I mean Triston's about but he's mainly been in his room revising like a mad man for the past few days, and although I know I can always go to him if I'm feeling down I don't like to because he's easily swayed by distractions and he's been doing so well of late.

I want to be this cat.

ummmmm it's late and I should probably sleep but Triston hasn't come in yet so I'll probably just have another cigarette and watch My Strange Addiction because it makes me feel more normal.

start wearing purple

Went on a shopping spree today, which was probably a bad idea seeing as I have hardly any money and no job prospects - but it was really fun and therapeutic so I don't care so much.

(this is Maybelline's 'popsicle' range in Cherry Pop, it smells like cherry sweets and is more like a tinted balm)

And I can't find an image for the ear hanger I got at urban outfitters anywhere, but it's one of these, except the ear pendant is a dangly silver feather with a teal stone above it:

CITING TEALEAF

will you remember to take another breath when your heart's beating like a drum in your chest?

MY SIMS 3 HAS STOPPED WORKING MY SUMMER IS OFFICIALLY OVER... except not really because I was going to buy an expansion pack anyway and I found one on play.com where you can buy the original sims plus an expansion pack for only like 4 quid more than the expansion pack on it's own so YAYYYYYY, except it's going to be here in 3-5 days so what the fuck do I do until then?

I'm not a real person and I don't feel comfortable doing real things yet.