You, in a simple grey coat, in a simple white room.

jesus christ what the fuck is wrong with me. i'd write all this down in my diary but i've just started a new one for the new year; it's green and leather and beautiful and i don't want to fill it with sad things before i've even started it properly.
i don't understand why i feel the constant need for attention and affection, i don't understand why i get so weird and i don't understand why i feel so fucking lonely so much of the time even when i'm surrounded by people.
i don't even know what i want anymore; i used to think that i wanted a girlfriend but i don't think i do cause i'm the shittiest person in relationships ever. i get so worked up and excited about being with the fucking person i don't even make the effort to appreciate them properly and then i go and fuck it all up by saying something really out of order or being too clingy or too distant or too indifferent or too attached, i don't even have a clue anymore. i'm starting to see a pattern with the way relationships work with me and it's a horrible one. then i thought that maybe i just want somebody to be with like as a comfort, but i don't want that either cause that's just selfishness on both parts and i hate that, i want someone who i can actually fucking like for who they are. no not even like, like proper, proper appreciate and smile at and find everything they do funny and cool but not in a cheesy way, just in a nice way. i don't really give a fuck what they think about me, as long as they act like they care and make me feel like i'm vaguely getting somewhere with my silly attempt at romance. but i don't want that either really cause it's meaningless and pointless. it's stupid cause often i like meaningless events and situations a lot more than meaningful ones because you can fuck it all up and say whatever the fuck you want and do whatever the fuck you want and it doesn't matter because it doesn't mean anything to you or to anyone involved.
gah and i hate the way i get so numb over things like this, like i can't talk about it cause if i do other people will think i'm being stupid or out of character cause i never really take things seriously and i'm so fucking mellow about everything but i'm not really, i'm fucking not, i just hate being upfront and i hate confrontation and i hate hot-headedness but most of all i hate how selfish i'm becoming. see, look how many fucking times i've said 'i' in this rant, it's ridiculous and self obsessed and stupid and all the things i find unattractive in other people. jesus fucking christ whatever, i'm just gonna write lyrics now.


all i said to you, all i did for you seems so silly to me now. when you were mine, you were sorta my best friend so i was blind. i know that girl is taking up your time, but i don't care cause i love you baby that's no lie.. i love you more than i did when you were mine. i could fight your beautiful words and mourn your beautiful loss. Throw me out of your beautiful lifestyle and call your beautiful name. i'm gonna spend another year alone, it's fuck and run even when i was seventeen. tell me you love me, come back to haunt me, oh i'll rush back to the start. just break me into small parts, let go in small doses - but spare some for spare parts, you might find some good ones. you are so lame, you always disappoint me. it's kind of like our running joke but it's really not funny. i just want you to live up to the image that i create, i see you and i'm so dissatisfied. i see you and i dilate. i have nothing more to say to you; open your eyes, open your mind, and maybe then i'll consider conversing again. words of glass will only cut my skin, and there's no room for scars here. the world is my oyster and the road is my home, and i know that i'm better off alone.