I just need to keep you in mind as something larger than life.

Oh how I love holidays.

Today I went into town and met Hooshmand and we went to this huge posh weird housing complex behind Brighton station where he lives so he and a witness could sign his tenancy agreement; then I left and actually got lost for about 5 minutes which was really disconcerting because I generally feel like I know Brighton like the back of my hand now, but then I inexplicably ended up by Aldi and it was okay. Went to Rob's and luckily he was in to sign his tenancy agreement, then walked to Doig's to get his signed and I was going to head straight to the post office to send them all off but then you know, Doig happened.

So instead I stayed and we watched about seven episodes of the Vampire Diaries and ordered indian take-away and talked about life and it was really nice - haven't had quality Doig time in a while. Ummm now I'm home and super chilled out despite the fact I haven't heard back from that fish and chip place yet and my room's a fucking tip. But it's okay because I have three whole months to serve fish and chips and clean my room and do a whole host of other things. Tomorrow I plan on sending off the tenancy agreements and cleaning my room and dying my hair and playing the Sims 3... it's a hard life :)

Also today I listened to this song like 1029048234 times because a) I FUCKING LOVE EMO MUSIC AND I DON'T EVEN CARE and b) I was wearing my new Taking Back Sunday hoodie for the first time so every time I look down at my left sleeve and see the name printed there I'm like I KNOW LET'S LISTEN TO TAKING BACK SUNDAY... marketing, eesh. (Also I forget that this video has all the Fight Club montages in it and it makes me even more happy).

i don't think about you all the time, but when i do i wonder why

I really like that my housemate James has lots of things that I can play with like a big glow in the dark stick and a dj set and circus things, and I like that today we had a bbq and it was really sunny and I spent hours drinking cider and smoking cigarettes and learning circus tricks with sticks and tassles and things and running around and listening to Fatboy Slim and I didn't feel fat or ugly or inadequate I just felt nice.

Tomorrow Triston and I are going to my parent's house for dinner and to help my dad cut the garden hedge, and we're staying over and then on Sunday we're going to Slamdunk festival at Hertfordshire Uni which I'm really looking forward to because it will be all emo and nostalgic, and then Monday will probably be pretty shitty cos I'll be knackered but I'll have to cram revise, and then Tuesday morning it's my 3 hour exam and then I'll be free as a bird with a french fry :)

Don't you love it when you realise the house is empty so instead of doing revision you watch re-runs of Supersize vs. Superskinny and then cry because one of the supersize girls is only a few stone heavier than you so you eat a whole tub of chicken tikka sandwich filler and a big bag of crisps and then throw up and then eat two more big bags of crisps and then throw up and because you're upset you do it really violently and manage to get it all over your hair and face and clothes and bathroom floor

I know I do

Four kicks who's strutting now?

So despite the fact that I still have one more deadline and an exam to go, I've decided to give myself some time off (from time off) and make a SUMMER list of all the exciting things I want to do in my glorious 3 months of vague freedom - getting a full time job aside.

BOOKS TO READ


Hamlet - Shakespeare (I feel like such a failure of an English student when I realise I've never read this)
ALL THE DICKENS
Beloved - Toni Morrison
By Way of Swann's - Marcel Proust
The Aeneid - Virgil
ALL THE CHUCK PALAHNIUK
Filth - Irvine Welsh
The Rainbow - D.H. Lawrence
The Fall of the House of Usher and other stories - Edgar Allen Poe
The Bonfire of the Vanities - Tom Wolfe
Vanity Fair - William Thackeray

THINGS TO WATCH 


Game of Thrones
Vampire Diaries
re-watch Pushing Daisies
Dark Shadows
General trash - 90210, the OC, Gossip Girl... ALL THESE THINGS I'VE NEVER WATCHED BUT SHOULD BECAUSE THEY WILL ENRICH MY MIND

THINGS TO DO


19th June - picking dad up from Gatwick airport
21st June - Cat's burfday shindig
23rd June - Emily Harris' shindig
1st July - Kimya Dawson
5th July - Die Antwoord

General other times - DO FUN THINGS but also get a job. Really Sophie, get a job.

I wanna be a hero when I grow up

Acts I've seen live (this is most definitely a partial list, as there are two festivals where I was so twatted that I can't really remember any bands I saw, oops):

1. Adam Green
2. Admiral Fallow
3. Airborne Toxic Event
4. The Anomalies
5. Anti Flag
6. Arcade Fire
7. Astronautalis
8. Badly Drawn Boy
9. Beggarz Fixx
10. Ben Caplan & the Casual Smokers
11. Benjamin Francis Leftwich
12. Ben Tatham
13. Bernhoft
14. Biffy Clyro
15. BIGkids
16. Bitches
17. Blink 182
18. Bloc Party
19. Born Gold
20. BOYCOM
21. Brand New
22. Cajun Dance Party
23. Carly Bryant
24. Carnival Collective
25. Cats and Cats and Cats
26. Chet Faker.
27. Cocknbull Kid
28. Congo Natty
29. The Correspondents
30. Cypress Hill
31. Dan le Sac vs Scroobius Pip
32. Danananakroyd
33. Darwin Deez
34. Daughter
35. Deaf Club
36. Dirty Pretty Things
37. Dizzee Rascal
38. Doorly.
39. Editors
40. Ellen and the Escapades
41. Emma Louise
42. The Enemy
43. Fall Out Boy
44. Fatboy Slim
45. Feeder
46. Films of Colour
47. Florence and the Machine
48. The Fratellis
49. Frightened Rabbit
50. Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.
51. Gogol Bordello
52. Gross Magic
53. Guns n Roses
54. Heathers
55. I Am the Avalanche
56. Ida Maria
57. Imperial Leisure
58. Islet
59. Jack's Mannequin
60. The Jezabels
61. Jim Lockey and the Solemn Sun
62. Joe Corbin
63. Jordan Cook aka Reignwolf
64. Joe Driscoll
65. Jumping Ships
66. Kaiser Chiefs
67. Kalakuta Millionaires
68. Karima Francis
69. Kimya Dawson
70. Kings of Leon
71. The Killers
72. The Libertines
73. Los Campesinos!
74. The Maccabees
75. Mallory Knox
76. Manchester Orchestra
77. Martin Creed
78. Master Shortie
79. Metric
80. The Midnight Beast
81. Mindless Self Indulgence
82. Modest Mouse
83. Momerath
84. Mr B the Gentleman Rhymer
85. Mystery Jets
86. New Groove Formation
87. Paramore
88. Patrick Wolf
89. Pendulum
90. Plain White T's
91.. Professor Elemental
92. Quantic
93. Queens of the Stone Age
94. The Raconteurs
95. Shy FX
96. The Skints
97. Slow Club
98. The Special Ks
99. The Subways
100. Submotion Orchestra
101. Swanton Bombs
102. Taking Back Sunday
103. Tegan and Sara
104. Tenacious D
105. Theme Park
106. Tin Roots
107. The Town Heroes
108. Trippple Nippples
109. Two Door Cinema Club
110. Two Jackals
111. Vampire Weekend
112. Weezer
113. We are Scientists
114. The Xcerts
115. Yeah Yeah Yeahs
116. Yukon Blonde
117. Zebrahead
118. Lower Than Atlantis
119. Say Anything
120. Motion City Soundtrack
121. Funeral for a Friend
122. The Audition
123. MC Lars


So yeah this isn't everything because I didn't keep a band list for Reading 2010, Playgroup or Shambala and also 5 bands inexplicably disappeared while I was alphabetising them and PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS EVER AGAIN MY BRAIN IS SO DEAD okay bye

so hi my mother and my best friend are the same person

Now is probably a good a time as any to admit to myself/ the internet/ the world the problems I have with food.  I've only recently realised how obsessed I've always been with it in one way or another; in bed the other night I was contemplating some childhood memories and it dawned on me how many of the most vivid ones involve food - not necessarily the happiest or most important memories - but nevertheless I've retained them. Probably the most interesting of these are:

1. We never kept crisps in the house, until when I was probably about 7 or 8 and the football world cup was on and my dad bought a huge box of Walkers cheese and onion crisps. I was allowed one packet every day when the match was on, but I remember sneaking some away afterwards and eating up to four packets a day.
2. When I was very young, as soon as my plate was set down in front of me, I had an obsessive habit with immediately separating out what I was and wasn't going to eat. My mum always recollects how it was surprisingly hard to get me to eat a whole meal for a long time, and then suddenly it was impossible to get me to stop.
3. Similar to the last one but much more amusing, is another obsessive habit I had of re-enacting the scene in the Lion King where Timone and Pumba introduce Simba to eating insects - so I'd say all the lines and only eat a mouthful when Timone or Pumba or Simba eat an insect in the film, and then start the scene all over again.
4. (God these are all coming back to me now) I used to love drawing people, particularly my friends and family, and every time I'd draw someone I'd write their name and age above their picture, and whether they were skinny, normal or fat.

I honestly don't know when I started to put on weight; I guess it was about 7 or 8, but I was always tall for my age and I don't ever remember wearing clothes designed for my age even when I was tiny. I think my issues have possibly got worse recently; when I was in France over Easter my parents and sister were cooing over a photo of me they found when I was about two or three - but all I could really think was how fat I looked in it.

So there were periods when I was a teenager when I actively tried to eat less, and I was probably my skinniest right after I broke up with Sophia the first time. Then in year 12 when I was getting the shit bullied out of me for coming out, I started making myself throw up. The first time it happened was when I got home from a house party really, really drunk - I needed to be sick but it wasn't coming so I just helped it along a bit. I don't know, the incident doesn't really stick out in my mind as the start of anything. I've never, ever thought of myself as bulimic even when I was doing it 2-3 times a week during sixth form - partly because I reckoned I never did enough for it to count, and partly because I didn't think I was losing weight (which I wasn't, but I get a horrible suspicion sometimes that the reason I've put on so much weight at university is because I've mostly stopped). I couldn't even admit to myself properly in my diary, just drawing a little square by the date so I'd know I'd thrown up that day.

Things were (and still are) especially bad when I'm left on my own - I almost always order a shit ton of food, eat it really quickly and then throw up. This happened a lot more during sixth form because my parents went to France a lot, but much less since I've been at university because I'm almost always around Triston. But when I'm not, the binging and purging has been worse - before I tended to only do it alone at home, but since it's also been the toilets of fast food restaurants and in my car at service stations.

Anyway, I've vaguely been on a diet for the past few months, and probably the most unintentional good that I've done is start a blog (http://thingswhichieat.blogspot.co.uk/ if you're super bored) where I solely record what I eat and drink every day. When I started it I was scared I'd become more obsessed, but I actually feel really proud when I can write a post where everything is reasonably healthy and I haven't over-eaten. The (vx) symbols are when I've voluntarily thrown up, (ivx) is where I've involuntarily thrown up.

It's a long haul, and nobody knows any of this apart from Cat, but it's been a relief to get it all down. I could go on forever about everything else to do with food that's happened in my life; like how there was a huge book this girl had written of everything she ate in a year at an art exhibition in Hungary and my sister had to tear me away from it because I just stood there and read it the whole time we were there, or how (I don't know if this is really related or not) I'm incredibly terrified of cooking for other people and I still get super paranoid even making food for Triston and I'm always convinced everything's burnt or tastes horrible. Anyway, I'll stop now.

Turn me back into the pet I was when we met.

Bah, last night wasn't very fun in the end. Got nice and drunky and druggy at big house for pike's birthday, then went to Volks but the queue was ridiculous so ended up at Concorde (completely forgetting it was a star wars themed night, which if everything had turned out okay probably would have been hilarious). Triston couldn't get in cause the bouncer said he was too fucked, which I hadn't really noticed up until then but then realised that he could barely string a sentence together and had the scariest fucked eyes I've ever seen on him.


The girls insisted I went in without him and he'd be fine, so I paid a fiver to get in but even within the first 10 minutes I wasn't enjoying myself at all cause all I could do was worry about him and what he was doing. Went and had a cigarette and a weep on Lizzy, who said that if I really thought he couldn't get home on his own and I wasn't going to have a good time anyway, I should take him home. So Tess came with me to find him, agreed that he needed someone with him, so I left.

Getting him home was okay, probably because I didn't want to have to deal with him on a bus and so paid 12 quid for a taxi, but it got us home super quickly. Got the majority of his clothes off and put him to bed (his bed), and thought everything would be fine, but at some point he woke up and came into my room and really pissed me off/ kinda freaked me out because he just wouldn't leave. I tried to explain multiple times that I loved him but I didn't want to have to look after him any more tonight, and if he loved and respected me he'd go back to his room and go to bed and I'd talk to him in the morning cause I just needed some peace and quiet. After each explanation he'd say 'yes okay okay, I will' to which I'd say '.. now, Triston, I want you to go now', to which he'd reply with something completely incomprehensible, or half started sentences like 'you seem to think that..' or 'because I...' and then look at me for an answer as if he'd said the whole thing, or (most frustratingly at all) 'just chill out, sophie, sophie, just calm down, don't worry', but then he still wouldn't fucking leave.

In the end I threatened to go downstairs and get Butch to come up and make him leave me alone, and only when I was halfway down the stairs I heard him say 'fuck this' and go back into his room.

I watched glee for a few hours, slept from 6am to around 8:30am, then went to the post office to post the paperwork for the house next year (finally) and now I don't know. I just swear to god he'd better treat me like royalty today, but I know he won't and I know he'll try to deny being that fucked/ being incomprehensible/ upsetting and scaring me because he's too fucking proud for his own good.
I wasted 18 quid on that boy last night, plus the mandy we'd been saving for ages for a big night, plus an awesome night out with pretty much all our close friends. I know deep down that it was the right thing to do because there's no way he would have gotten home by himself, and he would have got bored waiting outside Concorde eventually and wandered off, but right now I really wish I had just left him there.