my name is tristan, and i am alive

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i wish i was your favourite girl

i wish you thought i was the reason you were in the world
i wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
i wish the way that i dressed was your favourite kind of style
i wish that you couldn't figure me out, but you'd always want to know what i was about
i wish you'd hold my hand when i was upset
i wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

ridicule is nothing to be scared of.

i think i was about 15 when these were taken, bloooody hell.

keep your love lockdown.

i'm excited for life!




(kudos to charlotte for the instigation of this obsession btw)

all we need is a little bit of momentum

These are the reasons why i think my mother is secretly bisexual/gay:
1) she dated a woman at university
2) she was part of a predominantly gay and lesbian dance troop who dressed up in neon hotpants and feathers and danced through London during Gay Pride week
3) she somehow got my sister a part-time job at the leading gay and lesbian hairdressers in Soho
4) on her facebook it says she is interested in men and women

These are the reasons why i think my father is secretly bisexual/gay:
1) he drinks mineral water and exotic juices.
2) he plays squash
3) he doesn't like beer, football or rugby (or in fact any sport, except squash)
4) he dresses well
5) he doesn't flinch when i ask him to buy me tampons
6) he cooks and cleans more than any normal heterosexual man should
7) when i complained about the dryness of my skin the other day, he said 'i get that too sometimes, you just need to exfoliate and moisturise twice a week'


and they dare question the reasons for my sexuality confusion?!?! jesus christ. at dinner today i asked my mum if she thought i was odd; she said 'yes, but it doesn't matter'. Then there was an awkward silence, and she said 'you just... march to a different tune, but it's okay because you're very warm'.

warm? WARM?! what the hell does that even mean, oh dear and good grief and also mon dieu.

a kiss is just a kiss; i think that's what fools say.

so i've been in a shite mood all evening; i've cried hysterically, been exponentially harsh to everyone i've spoken to, gabbled incomprehensibly to cat and purposely listened to the most depressing music i could find and wallowed in my own general failings at life.

vaguely told sophia about all of the above, and she sends me this:






god damnnn i love that girl ^__^

swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)

don't let me get me.

1) MY 160GB IPOD CAME TODAY, therefore life is complete
2) um
3) i'm going out for a CURRY in WEST BYFLEET with various uncool people, oh my life and it's inexplicable tales/situations
4) the t-shirt i'm wearing is still slightly damp cos it hasn't been ironed yet but i'm gonna wear it anyway cos i'm hardcore/foolish like that

5)

This may never start, i'll tear us apart. Can i be your enemy?

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
You tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in.
Today was nice; minimal lessons with young fancyable teachers, pissing around with interesting and abnormal people (as abnormal as you get at the marist anyway), nothing nasty and unexpected and lots of mellow yellow.

the worst mistakes make the best memories

i fell in love with the girl at the rock show.

don't worry about me baby, i'm just what you might call live entertainment.

soooo i said i wouldn't procrastinate today, but i've been up for about an hour and a half and only written the title of my english coursework =/. interessant.





^ i've also watched this video about four times already, jesus sophieee.


‘A Story About The Impossibility of Innocence’ – Klinkenbourg. Compare And Contrast The Ways In Which Your Three Chosen Writers Present The Idea Of The Loss of Innocence.

ummm? they all grow up and fuck each other.. i haven't a clue.

We got no class, no taste, no shirt and shitfaced.

1) i have a newly found love for Nickelback
2) i dislike my lack of motivation/absent mindedness
3) ummmmmm yeah i'm distracted already

And I'm saying nothing in the past or future will ever feel like today.

so i didn't get into Cambridge :\
i'm vaguely upset but i'm not distraught; i think that it'd be a shitload of work and all the people would be really weird and i'd most likely get kicked out in the first year... but it would've been nice to prove to some people that i'm not altogether a useless (if quite funny) tramp.

well anyway, at least now i can work towards getting into Sussex which to be fair i LOVED the look of when i went there. i'll be in the gay capital of England, studying all sorts of philosophical homoerotic literature & it'll be fun =) and hopefully meeting gay girls who look like this:















(probably just wishful thinking, but you know).

you make me lose my buttons, yeah you make me spit.

i don't think i've EVER been so unprepared for school.














i've been pretty productive today in other ways though; i cleared out a huge amount of shit in my room so it's vaguely normal/habitable now :) i also went to the bank to open a current account and i've got an appointment tomorrow, so i'm hoping this is going to make me less shit with money and actually encourage me to KEEP some for more than a couple of days.




i may have uploaded this video before; but i don't care cause it's one of my favourites and it's beautiful.

i spend late nights trying to pick up love off the floor.

you're like the rest of the human race, you're one of a kind.

let's go down to the east river
and throw something in
something we can't live without
and then let's start again.


















i eat too much and i laugh too long, maybe i'll like too much of you when i'm gone.

oh, let's go back to the start.

feel better today :) i ate seven clementines earlier and felt kinda sick, oh dear.

You, in a simple grey coat, in a simple white room.

jesus christ what the fuck is wrong with me. i'd write all this down in my diary but i've just started a new one for the new year; it's green and leather and beautiful and i don't want to fill it with sad things before i've even started it properly.
i don't understand why i feel the constant need for attention and affection, i don't understand why i get so weird and i don't understand why i feel so fucking lonely so much of the time even when i'm surrounded by people.
i don't even know what i want anymore; i used to think that i wanted a girlfriend but i don't think i do cause i'm the shittiest person in relationships ever. i get so worked up and excited about being with the fucking person i don't even make the effort to appreciate them properly and then i go and fuck it all up by saying something really out of order or being too clingy or too distant or too indifferent or too attached, i don't even have a clue anymore. i'm starting to see a pattern with the way relationships work with me and it's a horrible one. then i thought that maybe i just want somebody to be with like as a comfort, but i don't want that either cause that's just selfishness on both parts and i hate that, i want someone who i can actually fucking like for who they are. no not even like, like proper, proper appreciate and smile at and find everything they do funny and cool but not in a cheesy way, just in a nice way. i don't really give a fuck what they think about me, as long as they act like they care and make me feel like i'm vaguely getting somewhere with my silly attempt at romance. but i don't want that either really cause it's meaningless and pointless. it's stupid cause often i like meaningless events and situations a lot more than meaningful ones because you can fuck it all up and say whatever the fuck you want and do whatever the fuck you want and it doesn't matter because it doesn't mean anything to you or to anyone involved.
gah and i hate the way i get so numb over things like this, like i can't talk about it cause if i do other people will think i'm being stupid or out of character cause i never really take things seriously and i'm so fucking mellow about everything but i'm not really, i'm fucking not, i just hate being upfront and i hate confrontation and i hate hot-headedness but most of all i hate how selfish i'm becoming. see, look how many fucking times i've said 'i' in this rant, it's ridiculous and self obsessed and stupid and all the things i find unattractive in other people. jesus fucking christ whatever, i'm just gonna write lyrics now.


all i said to you, all i did for you seems so silly to me now. when you were mine, you were sorta my best friend so i was blind. i know that girl is taking up your time, but i don't care cause i love you baby that's no lie.. i love you more than i did when you were mine. i could fight your beautiful words and mourn your beautiful loss. Throw me out of your beautiful lifestyle and call your beautiful name. i'm gonna spend another year alone, it's fuck and run even when i was seventeen. tell me you love me, come back to haunt me, oh i'll rush back to the start. just break me into small parts, let go in small doses - but spare some for spare parts, you might find some good ones. you are so lame, you always disappoint me. it's kind of like our running joke but it's really not funny. i just want you to live up to the image that i create, i see you and i'm so dissatisfied. i see you and i dilate. i have nothing more to say to you; open your eyes, open your mind, and maybe then i'll consider conversing again. words of glass will only cut my skin, and there's no room for scars here. the world is my oyster and the road is my home, and i know that i'm better off alone.

i feel odd.

You say that I treat you like a book on a shelf
I don't take you out that often 'cause I know that I completed you and that's why you are here
That's the reason you stay here
How awful that must feel
You said you could be my dream I could have you every night
And if by morning, I'd forgotten you, well no big deal, that'd be alright
'Cause you're the reoccurring kind
You are the reoccurring kind
You never really leave my mind
Are you the love of my lifetime?
'Cause there have been times I've had my doubts
We were just kids when I first kissed you in the attic of my parents' house, and I wish we were there now
It took so long to figure out
What this book has been about

Now I write when I'm away, letters that you'll never read
You said go explore those other women, the geography of their bodies, but there's just one map you'll need
You're a boomerang you'll see
You will return to me

'Cause if you don't, then this book is all lies
If you don't, then my plans would all be ruined
If you don't, I'll start drinking like the way I drank before
Oh, and I, I just won't have a future anymore.


this song explains things better than i ever could. i don't mind, it's just the lack of substance that's the problem.

I never meant to be the needle that broke your back.

Come along Fool
A direct hit of the senses you are disconnected
It’s not that it’s bad…it’s not that it’s death
It’s just on the tip of your tongue, and you're so silent

Wanting to live and laugh all the time
Sitting alone with your tea and your crime
Children with kids, and people with parents
Anywhich way there’s no past and no presence
When the day comes and all of them bums
Will reveal enchanting persons
Come along...

When it's a rut and baby's no luck
Half of it's misunderstanding love
The war we have won we're winning again
Within ourselves and within our friends
Come along...

i would change my life to better suit your mood, cause you're so smooth.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

This year WILL be better than last year; it's not going to be hard to be honest cause i'm off to university in October which is without a doubt the most exciting thing that i've ever looked forward to, ever.

http://www.ussu.info/minisites/index.php?cat_id=130