when there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire.

i'm in such a fucking melancholic/angry/couldn't give a shit mood. i hardly ever get like this but when i do it's fucking horrible; i should probably be writing this down in my diary but the computer's nearer and i can type fast.
it's just like my mum ACTUALLY couldn't give a fuck about anything to do with me anymore; i know she's going through shit at work and she's probably going to get fired soon, so maybe i'm just being a bit self obsessed and naive. it just seems fucking unfair, she complains that i don't tell her enough personal shit but then when i do she doesn't even have the fucking audacity to listen to what i'm trying to say.

i want to tell her all the things i've realised about myself like how i'm SUPER naive and how i automatically trust everybody i meet and how i'm not sure if it's a good thing or not, or how i've realised i must have been gay from a young age cause i always dressed up like Spiderman at nursery instead of Snow White or whatever and i had a crush on this teacher called Debbie and besides it's HER fucking fault cause she was the one who took me to all those Gay Prides in London and got me to wave those fucking little rainbow flags cause it looked cute or whatever.

i'm also angry at myself because why the fuck do i ALWAYS forget how manipulative/backstabbing/sadistic my ex girlfriend is? literally, i give her chance after fucking chance and all she does is make me feel like this.. and then SHE'S the one who somehow comes across as the victim. and i've been so fucking NICE to her, it's like i'm mother fucking teresa or summat and i swear i get fucking nothing in return EVER. so she bought me a rose on our 4 month anniversary and she made cupcakes and she gave me shivers when we kissed, big fucking deal, when we had a major argument i was the one who stayed up all night writing her some notebook on EVERYTHING i loved about her and then walked to fucking South Ascot in the rain to post it, and it's not like she'd even think of doing something like that and even if she did it wouldn't matter because she's a fucking liar so none of it would even MEAN anything.

and over the past few days i've been SO fucking polite and nice to her because i didn't want anything to flare up and i REALLY didn't want one of our massive, blown out of proportion spiteful arguments that we used to have all the time because there's no point; the reason we argued in the past was so that we'd know each other better and move on in our relationship or whatever but now we're not even together so it's just a whole load of heated, angry NOTHING. and she doesn't get that, she really doesn't, ALL the texts she's sent me have included snide remarks on how much HAPPIER she is now that she's not with me, and how much i fucking HURT her but how it's okay now cause her new boyfriend's fucking cock sorts it all out.

'thanks, i guess it's hard getting used to everything being so good for a change XP maybe is karma or something haha ^_^'

hahahaha, how fucking FUNNY; what an evil cunt.

(sorry, i swear a lot when i'm angry).