What if I fall and hurt myself, would you know how to fix me?
What if I went and lost myself, would you know where to find me?
If I forgot who I am, would you please remind me
Oh, cause without you things go hazy.

Normally I find lyrics like this pretty cheesy and dull, but they're so achingly relevant when put in the right context of my recent unstable state of mind and Triston's comforting involvement that I can't even listen to this song all the way through without shedding a tear.

I could put my arm around every boy I see, but they'd only remind me of you.

so yeah it's kinda sad.

LEICESTER TOMORROW.

  

i love you too much to leave, don't like you enough to stay

So 2000 Trees was pretty bloody good; back in Ascot recovering before heading off to Leicester on Wednesday which i'm indescribably excited about!

you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins.

Going to 2000 Trees festival tomorrow eeeeeeeee!! I'm suddenly very excited, mainly to see these guys but for the whole shenanigan in general:

i waste all my time just thinking of you.

I miss him so much.

So I dyed my hair red today, and it was possibly the most positive hair colouring experience I've ever had... as much as I love Cat and Katy and Sarah and my sister and anyone else who has ever dyed my hair, it was so much more comforting doing it myself and knowing exactly how much I was applying and where, etc. I bleached it first using peroxide creme (you can get ones with varying percentages of hydrogen peroxide in them, but the guy in Sally's said that any will do the job so I got the lowest one - so as not to completely destroy my hair - which was 6%) mixed with blue powdered bleach. I bleached my roots first but my whole head was still pretty uneven so I bleached my whole hair again, then dyed it with Live Colour XXL in Red passion. Resultssss:

sexy bag on my head after bleaching for the 1st time

result after first bleaching... bit patchy

after first bleaching

after second bleaching, WOW YELLOW!

after the whole bottle had been applied

yeahhhh so it was really messy...

Just after the dye had been rinsed out :) 

final result! well still a bit damp but y'know

they don't love you like I love you

So I definitely didn't spend £35 on hair products today...

2 packets of XXL Live red hair dye (red passion)
John Frieda shampoo and conditioner for red hair
1 litre of creme peroxide
1 sachet of powdered bleach
1 bottle of Osmo intensive deep repair hair treatment
1 sachet of ion reconstructor treatment

ahhh wish me luck! i've got the bleach on my roots as we speak... (only bleaching my roots because they're darker than the tips, and the tips are already pretty blonde)

home is when i'm alone with you

I think that one of the most significant things I learnt this year is that 'Torn' by Natalie Imbruglia is not an original; it's a cover by a band called Ednaswap - they were both released at roughly the same time and it was the Imbruglia version that became famous. I think it might be just because I've always been a massive fan of the song and assumed it was an original that it's BLOWN MY MIND.

Anyway, the original is better (in my opinion) - it has a lot more feeling.

when paper meets the ink, over thinking is the chink in my armour

Drove to Brighton pretty spur of the moment yesterday morning and it was the best decision EVER. Got to Jordann, Loxham and Pom's new house right next to Sainsburys which is where Triston is staying right now, had a cup of tea and a fag and a catch up. Then Triston and I walked into town where we bought some food, ciders and beers and sat on the beach where it was stupidly lovely weather. Later on Holly, Richie, Pike, Eric, Emily B and her boyfriend, Will and Christie joined us and it was so nice because I had no idea there were still that many people in Brighton. I went swimming in the sea in my underwear with Holly and it was SO liberating and lovely.

In the evening Triston and I stayed in with Loxham and Jordann and drank a lot and played video games, and then had quiet sneaky sex on the blow up mattress on their living room (shh Laura Ellis, I definitely NEVER mention sex in my blog!).

I won't be left dancing alone to songs from the past.

So I've been back in Ascot for two and a half days and I'm already ridiculously homesick for Brighton and Sussex campus and East Slope :(

Only two and a half months to go, oh yay. On the plus side I am going to loads of festivals and hopefully becoming an event steward which means I can go to even more festivals and stuff. But still, no drugs or sex or the beautiful beautiful town of Brighton or flat parties or sitting on the beach all day or spending hours talking with random groups of friends or sitting in Doig's room watching crap telly or smoking lots or getting messy and dancing the night away or strangers' house parties in town or... you get the idea.

oh i'm hoping you'll understand, and not let go of my hand

Today I woke up at 10:30, threw on some clothes and walked to Library Square where I met Triston who had just come out of an exam - we had a cigarette and waited until Eleanor turned up and then we walked to our new house in Coldean which took about half an hour. I was very very excited to see the house and it didn't disappoint; decent sized bedrooms, squishy sofas, nice garden, etc. Walked back, met Charlie at the bus stop and went straight into town. Bought a load of random crap I didn't need like some more nail varnish and a pretty notebook and a pen (actually I kind of needed the pen) and a Nandos meal (extra hot chicken pitta, chips and coleslaw, can't go wrong). I also got my lip pierced, and I was weirdly more nervous about it than I've ever been about any piercing before - probably because it really was an impulse decision and because I anticipated a lot of pain (which I was kind of right about, still not as bad as my anti tragus though). then I realised that Triston would probably be kinda angry cause I hadn't told him beforehand and cause he really wants a lip piercing and cause he's always said that one wouldn't suit me, so I went to Ann Summers and bought some sexy underwear with which to reconcile with him.

Errr then I came home and partook in some illegal activity and then realised I have an exam tomorrow at 9:30am so I read the rest of The Great Gatsby which I'm being examined on and had a nap and now I'm in a public computer room on campus eating a tuna sandwich with some difficulty because of aforementioned lip piercing.

I'm also being examined on this guy tomorrow which is quite nice because I love love love love him.

ANIMALS


Have you forgotten what we were like then
when we were still first rate
and the day came fat with an apple in its mouth

it's no use worrying about Time
but we did have a few tricks up our sleeves
and turned some sharp corners

the whole pasture looked like our meal
we didn't need speedometers
we could manage cocktails out of ice and water

I wouldn't want to be faster
or greener than now if you were with me O you
were the best of all my days
- Frank O Hara

she looks like the real thing, she tastes like the real thing

One more exam to go, one more exam to go, one more exam to go. Then Cat and end of term parties and frolicking and lovely lovely Brighton all to myself. YAY. I'm well into Radiohead right now.

and I will learn to cook for you, that's one thing that I plan to do

i'm coming up only to hold you under

I want more soul making moments in life, like when a group of us were sitting on Charlie's bed and spontaneously started singing Animal by Miike Snow or when I had that long catch up with Alex Kirkham or when I saw a man die in a Hungarian tube station or when I drive Cat and her friends to college or when I eat food in public and then spit it out laughing or when food doesn't mean that much to me (which only happens very occasionally like when I'm on amphetamines or when I get jealous) or when I'm at a festival or when Triston tells me beautiful incredible things about life and love without even realising it or when I get drunk with my family or when I get nauseous because I'm so angry or yesterday when I found out that both of my great grandmothers committed suicide by sticking their heads in gas ovens.
I also found out that I'm one sixteenth Jewish, so that's nice I suppose. It's incredible how much of the time I feel like I don't know what's going on, or who I really am or what I'm doing in life - and I think the more of these moments the better because they make me feel more real and more wanted and more living.

in your eyes I see the eyes of somebody I knew before, long long long ago.

stop your messin' around

Hi i'm Sophie and I do stupid things like get bitten by horses

and buy useless but mildly amusing things like this

i'm wide awake and i can see the perfect sky is torn.

i'm very naive, that's all i have to say right now.

I buried a bone 
and darling you don't know him
darling you don't know him
darling you don't know

and just where you are
might be the right place
might be that sweet space
but you don't know

well look me in the head
I've got nothing on my mind
I've been waiting for you 
all this time

and I'd seen a path turn to an old road
but the secret's too slow
and we're too fast

look me in the mouth
I've got nothing in my smile
I've been waiting for you
you're just my style

look me in the gut
I've got fear from my own name
I'd dig it up for you 
if you'd do the same

you should go home before your money's all gone

:) yeahhh so at this rate it looks like i'll be handing in my portfolio 24 hours late, i'll just have to deal with the 5% cut off my mark. I've always handed in everything else on time and been getting 2:1s so i'm not particularly anxious.

today i'm going to smoke and read Everything is Illuminated for the umpteemth time and write stuff. 

Things I have done today instead of writing the 3000 word portfolio that is due in on Wednesday:

1. Slept till 3pm
2. Had sex
3. Sat in Charlie's room with a load of people
4. Went to East Slope bar and had a roast
5. Sat in Charlie's room with a load of people
6. Sat in Charlie's room with a load of people
7. Sat in Charlie's room with a load of people
8. Went to shop with Alia, bought stuff
9. Cooked and ate stuff
10. Watched half an episode of Psychoville till Box of Broadcasts crashed
11. Smoked a cigarette

... oh dear.

somebody's got to be interested in how i feel just cause i'm here and i'm real

Things I have done today instead of writing the 3000 word portfolio that is due in on Wednesday:

1. Had sex
2. Bought bacon and beans
3. Cooked and ate bacon and beans
4. Sat outside talking with Triston, Butch, Doig and James
5. Smoked a cigarette
6. Facebooked
7. Went to the library and spent an hour finding and taking out books (so sort of productive yay)
8. Got back, realised none of the books are very relevant
9. Facebooked
10. Smoked a cigarette, went to Flat 40 and spoke to Emily, who says she has just woken up from a refreshing nap.
11. Came back, had a nap.
12. Woke up, facebooked and went on youtube
13. Walked to shop, bought pesto, cheese and a carton of Ribena
14. Cooked and ate pasta with pesto and cheese

I'm currently drinking my carton of Ribena and wondering what to do next. I might make a crown out of cardboard and officially crown myself the Queen of Procrastination.

shake, shake, shake senora!

1. I've decided to give up drinking as it makes me sick/ sleepy/ weepy and take drugs all the time instead - so apologies in advance if I die

2. I went to a MEXICAN themed party last night which involved a lot of chimichangas, ponchos, Harry Belafonte and tequila. It was very very fun yes it was, confirmed by the fact that when a security guard came to shut down the party he said that he didn't even get a complaint or phone call - they could just hear it from the security office at the other side of campus.

3. Doig was possibly the fucked i've ever seen him (on a combination of alcohol and other substances) and came out with THE best lines:

'Holly and Charlie are the same person; they just have different pictures on their heads'

(whispering to me) 'Don't say fourty... never say fourty...'

(to Triston) 'You are very, very spiderman'

(to me, pointing to my chest) 'Boob. You are... boob. You have one boob'

(to Edd) 'I am very in love with you' ... he then proceeded to push Edd against a wall and make noises which I can only describe as 'HURGH'



Go on, have a little boogie (you know you want to)

I saw this guy on Thursday night at Jam - my friend organised a night there and it was pretty fucking mental in a very good way. lots of electro swing and whisky and friends and drugs and dancing on the stage and getting thrown off the stage and knowing nearly everyone there and cigarettes on the beach after the club closed :)

I met him down by the bay, he said life is a stranger that won't go away. He took me by surprise and I felt for the first time what it's like to be alive. 


I met him down by the sea, he said I looked like someone he knew. I said 'I don't know anyone, so how could I possibly know you?'


I'm a soldier, but I don't know how to fight. I'm your best friend but I'm scared to see you tonight. I am the darkness but I want to be the light, oh how I want to be. Oh how I want to be. 

under the bridge downtown is where i drew some blood

You do not always know what I am feeling.

Last night in the warm spring air while I was

blazing my tirade against someone who doesn't interest

              me, it was love for you that set me

afire, 

and isn't it odd? for in rooms full of

strangers my most tender feelings

           writhe and

bear the fruit of my screaming. Put out your hand,

isn't there

an ashtray, suddenly, there? beside

the bed? And someone you love enters the room

and says wouldn't

you like the eggs a little

different today?

And when they arrive they are

just plain scrambled eggs and the warm weather

is holding.

For Grace, After a Party - Frank O'Hara.

^ I fucking love my course at the moment, for reasons such as this indescribably beautiful poem. 

In a few weeks I will get time to realise it's right before my eyes.

Brief update. I have NO money and so have been eating excessive amounts of noodles and sardines which is quite literally the only food I have left from the boxes of food my parents so lovingly gave me at the start of the year.

Triston and I are quite possibly the most broke couple I know; to the extent that not only are neither of us going out/ drinking/ buying anything desirable or necessary, but he's been working extra shifts all week, both of us have resorted to 'giving up' smoking (i.e. scrounging cigarettes and bits of tobacco from anyone sympathetic) and i've been wearing the same pair of tights for a week because I can't afford to do any laundry or get a bus into town and buy some... yum!

Aside from that, I'm having probably the most fun in my life that i'm ever going to have ever. The weather is nice, my course is suddenly surprisingly fun and engaging and there are always friendly people about :)

you used to kiss me, but it was just on the cheek

these are so achingly relevant.

Everyone is a fucking napoleon

Fucked off at pretty much everyone and everything UGHHHHHHHHH.

Except for Triston, he's still pretty fucking great.

Run like a race for family when you hear like you're alone
the rusty gears of morning
 and faceless busy phones
we gladly run in circles
but the shape we meant to make is gone

And love is a tired symphony
you hum when you're awake
and love is a crying baby
mama warned you not to shake
and love's the best sensation
hiding in the lion's mane

So i'll clear the road, the gravel
and the thornbush in your path
that burns a scented oil
that i'll drip into your bath
the water's there to warm you
and the earth is warmer when you laugh

And love is the scene i render
when you catch me wide awake
and love is the dream you enter
though i shake and shake and shake you
and love's the best endeavor
waiting in the lion's mane.

there is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself

Portugal was great and fun and ALSO great fun :) Lots of sightseeing and walking about and taking pictures of views/ castles/ churches, but weirdly I think I've finally grown up enough to appreciate that sort of thing

which is nice.

At slow speed we all seem focused, in motion we seem wrong.

Things Which I Am Looking Forward To (vaguely in order of short, medium and long term although not really)


1. Seeing Caitlin tomorrow
2. Going to Portugal on Friday!
3. Going to France on the 19th
4. 2000 Trees festival
5. Shambala festival
6. Possible Amsterdam in August/ going away with Cat
7. Dying my hair
8. Having a house next year
9. Being able to share baths with Triston
10. Having a double bed, a garden and generally more space 
11. Cat going to university - she really, really needs a break and some fun times
12. Getting to study modules I actually want to/ have chosen next year
13. Going back to uni in a few weeks
14. Summer barbecues and beach trips
15. When mum retires and finally chills out (fingers crossed)
16. Mum and dad moving away somewhere nicer than Sunningshithill
17. My sister becoming a fully fledged dentist/ wife/ mother
18. Graduating!!
19. Writing my very first book/ getting a decent book published
20. BABIES.

errr I think I need to stop now before I get too excited... okay one more

21. NAMING MY BABIES - Mathilda, Oscar, Imogen, Theo, Nathan, etc etc.

all the memories of the pubs and the clubs and the drugs and the tubs we shared together - stay with me forever

Massively cheesy line coming up, but Monday was absolutely magical. I drove down to East Slope, Triston and I jumped into Jeff and drove off towards the coast with the windows down and Brand New blaring without any particular intention or place to get to.

We drove along the coast for around half an hour, past villages and white cliffs and the sunny sea to our right the whole time - came into a town called Newhaven which advertised a FORT as one of it's features, so we parked up and had a gander at a pretty cool World War II fort complete with huge gun emplacements and old storage compartments for, er, weapons and stuff. Climbed to the top of the nearest cliff, had a leisurely cigarette overlooking the sea and then set off on a proper lovely (if very windy) walk along the cliff tops.

Found Jeff again after a couple of hours and set off again towards the next town (Seaford) and found the best pub known to humanity! It was right in the middle of the countryside but you could still see the sea, with a huge beer garden, cheap food and lots of lovely ales for Triston :)

On the drive home we passed the village of Lewes which is really pretty and I would recommend to anyone - cobbled streets, old fashioned pubs and it's very own castle. Stopped off at a Tescos for pizza and booze, before coming home, watching films (The Prestige, The Mexican, Up) and getting beautifully tiddly.

Today and tomorrow I'm doing some really weird job where I have to go to a Tesco store (in Reading today and then Kent tomorrow) and ask to film people while they get interviewed about what improvements they want to see in that Tescos... I have a feeling it's not going to go so well, because a) not many people like to be filmed and b) they're there to shop. But hey, I wasn't going to pass up £8 an hour :)

you hollow out my hungry eyes.

A dear friend of mine just brought this band back into my life - yesssssssssssssss THANK YOU. I feel 14 and emo again, it's fucking ace.

Well I saw you with your hands above your head
Spinning around, trying not to look down
But you did, and you fell, hard on the ground
Then you stumbled around for a good ten minutes
And I said I'd never seen anyone look so dumb before
And you laughed and said I still know how to turn you on though

You're the only one who
Drags me kicking and screaming through fast dreams
You're the only one who
Knows exactly what I mean

And I probably forgot to tell you this
Like that time when I forgot to tell you about the scar
Remember how uncomfortable that made you feel?
See you're not what I expected
But you're the only one who knows how to handle me
And you're such a great kisser and I know that you agree

I hope you can forgive me for that time
When I put my hand between your legs
And said it was small
Cause its really not at all
I guess there's just a part of me that likes to bring you down
Just to keep you around
Cause the day that you realize how amazing you are
You're gonna leave me

You're the only one who
Holds my hair back when I'm drunk and get sick
You're the only one who
Knows exactly what I mean.

mysterious girl, i wanna get close to you ;)

Little perks of today:

1. seeing grown men choosing Mothers Day cards in Clinton's
2. bath with a Lush bubble bar
3. rediscovering an AMAZING CD in Jeff
4. getting to park in mum's office car park so I don't have to pay ridiculous Windsor parking fares
5. waking up to texts from Triston
6. breakfast in Starbucks
7. finding a lovely present for Alice

And theatre and dinner in China Town later :) good, good day.

Track listing on said AMAZING CD (it's one from my alphabet collection, hence all the songs beginning with M)

1. Mysterious Girl - Peter Andre
2. My Humps - Black Eyed Peas
3. My Favourite Game - The Cardigans
4. Music When The Lights Go Out - The Libertines
5. Music Is My Hot Hot Sex - CSS
6. Ms Jackson - Outkast
7. Mr Brightside - The Killers
8. Movies - Alien Ant Farm
9. Move Along - All American Rejects
10. Moose - Heathers
11. Monster Hospital - Metric
12. Monkey Wrench - Foo Fighters
13. Momentum - The Hush Sound
14. Mmmbop - Hanson
15. The Mixed Tape - Jack's Mannequin
16. Misery Business - Paramore
17. Milkshake - Kelis
18. Meddle - Little Boots
19. Margie - Heathers
20. Magic Position - Patrick Wolf

jizzzzzzz

well holy moly, me oh my, you're the apple of my eye

I've realised that since coming to university I've become extremely accustomed to being around people ALL THE TIME... now whenever I'm at home sitting in my room alone (like now) I feel at a loss and I'm not sure what to do with myself; it's really hard to believe that I used to do this every single day after school for years and years =|

But it's okay, I've had a fair number of visitors and I've been out lots too which has been very fun. Yesterday and today I was back in Brighton for mine and Triston's six month anniversary which was beautiful and stuff, and I've got some interesting plans for the next few weeks so this is nice.

Friday 1st April - theatre with Katy and Rosie in London followed by my sister's birthday dinner in China Town with family
Saturday 2nd - Mother's Day celebrations with my sister and mum
Sunday 3rd - actual Mother's Day, probable more celebrations
Tuesday 5th - catch up and piss up with Laura!
Wednesday 6th - working in a Tescos in Reading interviewing and filming customers
Thursday 7th - working in a Tescos in Kent interviewing and filming customers
Friday 8th - going to Portugal!

Then I've got a lovely week of fun and frolics around Ascot (although I should probably be working on my 3000 word essay in this time but shh) before two weeks in France :)
yay and fun and also wahey

where is my mind?

Home is strange, that's all I have to say right now.

so pick up the pace and enjoy the race, cause nothingness is nice

GOOD NEWS: i'm home and it's sunny!

BAD NEWS: i have probable glandular fever, cystitis and possible kidney infection.

fun fun fun fun fun. i'm weirdly not too hung up about it though, going to the doctor's in a bit to get some lovely antibiotics and then it'll all be fine and dandy and i can go about my silly little ways. i think it's just hard to get down when the weather is this good :)

i need some sleep, i can't go on like this

END OF TERM END OF TERM END OF TERM END OF TERM END OF TERM END OF TERM END OF TERM!

last night was the bestest night that there ever was in the whole history of humankind. possibly... i feel fucking weird today though.

^ very true dat, i love postsecrets.

I had the itch to fly and I flew

Essay done, best feeling everrrr :D Except maybe sex. and eating peanut butter...



i used to fucking hate placebo but they're weirdly growing on me.

Good to know that if I ever need attention all I have to do is die

a) break up in a week yay
b) essay due in which i haven't started on wednesday nay
c) got cystitis nay
d) got lots of sex this morning yay
e) eating onion rings yay
f) er. triston's at work nay
g) butch is here to visit YAY

1. Last night I went to a reggae/ska night at this pub called The Hydrant and it was very fun because lots of fun people were there including Leon the magician, but also I got really drunk but this was okay too cause Triston took me home and we got monster munch on the way.

2. Charlie's away until tonight so Triston, Holly and I made him a TREASURE HUNT spanning across Flat 40 and Flat 44, 'citing tealeaf

3. I started my period today so i'm a bit ouchie and weird

4. I look nice though

5. Now i'm going to put a sign on our front door that says PLEASE DON'T SHUT THE DOOR! SOPHIE'S KEY IS BENT =( because this is the truth and i keep getting locked out.



^ this is one of the bands that played at the pub last night ;D it was crazy and fun and also crazy fun.