I felt you in my legs before I ever met you.

Things I am afraid of 


1. Death in various forms, but mainly including:
- drowning in a submarine
- killed by a shark
- murdered brutally
2. Somebody I love dying, like mum or dad or alice or aunty dibs or cat or katy or triston.
3. Losing a limb.
4. Going deaf or blind or dumb.
5. Getting stuck somewhere small where nobody can hear me like in a lift alone or a toilet cubicle.
6. Big insects, mainly spiders
7. Large fish and other sea creatures
8. Going crazy early on in life
9. Becoming addicted to something.
10. War
11. Being infertile
12. My diaries getting destroyed
13. Being friendless and alone
14. Living somewhere where I don't feel safe; actually just generally feeling unsafe.
15. Losing all faith and motivation for anything and becoming a recluse
16. Breaking up with Triston
17. Never being able to go to all the places I want to go to
18. Japanese horror films
19. Ghosts and ghost stories
20. The idea of Hell and the Devil
21. Unpleasant revelations.

change your heart - it will astound you

SUCH A HAPPY MOOD!

1. Cat's coming to Sussex in September
2. The money from the sale of my Reading festival ticket has finally become available so I am no longer massively broke
3. Triston's coming to stay on Tuesday
4. Cat's coming to Sussex in September
5. Shambala next week
6. Cat's coming to Sussex in September
7. Cat's coming to Sussex in September
8. Cat's coming to Sussex in September

my heart's got a tricky valve that beats for nobody but you

'Life is GOOD; everyone just overreacts, even me.'

This is something I need to remember more. Been feeling a bit rubbish and sorry for myself because I've been ill and had to come home from Leicester early, but I need to man up and realise that this summer has been pretty fucking wicked so far. I've been to two incredible festivals, been up to Leicester to see my sexy boy twice, been to Brighton and spent time on the beach with some amazing uni friends which I didn't really think I'd see at all over the summer, had some lovely times with old friends from school and even lovelier times with Kitty especially when she came to stay for the last week of term, AND I've still got another festival to look forward to as well as Triston coming to stay and moving into a beautiful new house in September.

Seriously Sophie, cheer the fuck up. 

http://8tracks.com/carolinehood/smile-for-god-sakes

:) 

they say 'my God is a good God and he cares'

Warning: this post is massively honest. I doubt my parents are here but if you are, I implore you not to read this.


Okay, here goes.

Things I Have Done In My First Year At University: 


1. Had sex with a man
2. Had a one night stand with a semi famous person
3. Had sex on a beach
4. Given head
5. Had cunnilingus from a man
6. Had sex outdoors
7. Had anal sex
8. Touched myself in front of a man
9. Watched a man jerk off
10. Had ketamine
11. K holed
12. Had mdma
13. Had ecstacy
14. Had cocaine
15. Had 2CB
16. Had TFMPP
17. Snorted a mystery power
18. Went to a fancy dress party dressed as milk
19. Been extremely stoned
20. Had my appendix taken out
21. Gone on the Pill
22. Had cystitis - a lot
23. Got so drunk i've had to be put to bed
24. Played Burnout 3... a lot
25. Been clubbing and actually enjoyed it
26. Been to lectures
27. Skipped lectures
28. Got my tongue pierced
29. Got my anti tragus pierced
30. Got my lip pierced
31. Left an exam an hour early
32. Got bitten by a horse
33. Spent £100 on underwear in one go
34. Bought a metal snorter
35. Lived away from home
36. Had people hear me having sex
37. Had laughing gas
38. Hallucinated whilst on drugs
39. Been sexually harassed on a train
40. Smoked a lot
41. Went to a fancy dress party as Edward Scissorhands
42. Had a pregnancy scare
43. Taken the morning after pill
44. Watched a DJ perform in a club who i'm friends with
45. Been in love with a boy
46. Overdosed on paracetamol and ibuprofen
47. Got fingered in a club
48. Went to a major political protest
49. Sneaked alcohol into a club
50. Taken drugs on a bus
51. Been to Leicester
52. Got stoned on a beach
53. Read lots of new books
54. Watched lots of new films
55. Been introduced to lots of new music
56. Had my boobs named
57. Had sex in the shower
58. Been trapped in a field full of bulls
59. Not come home till 9 in the morning
60. Got kicked out of a club
61. Tried and failed to learn how to cook
62. Had sex in a stranger's house
63. Felt like I had a sense of purpose
64. Felt like I had no purpose at all.

damn you insomnia

What if I fall and hurt myself, would you know how to fix me?
What if I went and lost myself, would you know where to find me?
If I forgot who I am, would you please remind me
Oh, cause without you things go hazy.

Normally I find lyrics like this pretty cheesy and dull, but they're so achingly relevant when put in the right context of my recent unstable state of mind and Triston's comforting involvement that I can't even listen to this song all the way through without shedding a tear.

I could put my arm around every boy I see, but they'd only remind me of you.

so yeah it's kinda sad.

LEICESTER TOMORROW.

  

i love you too much to leave, don't like you enough to stay

So 2000 Trees was pretty bloody good; back in Ascot recovering before heading off to Leicester on Wednesday which i'm indescribably excited about!

you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins.

Going to 2000 Trees festival tomorrow eeeeeeeee!! I'm suddenly very excited, mainly to see these guys but for the whole shenanigan in general:

i waste all my time just thinking of you.

I miss him so much.

So I dyed my hair red today, and it was possibly the most positive hair colouring experience I've ever had... as much as I love Cat and Katy and Sarah and my sister and anyone else who has ever dyed my hair, it was so much more comforting doing it myself and knowing exactly how much I was applying and where, etc. I bleached it first using peroxide creme (you can get ones with varying percentages of hydrogen peroxide in them, but the guy in Sally's said that any will do the job so I got the lowest one - so as not to completely destroy my hair - which was 6%) mixed with blue powdered bleach. I bleached my roots first but my whole head was still pretty uneven so I bleached my whole hair again, then dyed it with Live Colour XXL in Red passion. Resultssss:

sexy bag on my head after bleaching for the 1st time

result after first bleaching... bit patchy

after first bleaching

after second bleaching, WOW YELLOW!

after the whole bottle had been applied

yeahhhh so it was really messy...

Just after the dye had been rinsed out :) 

final result! well still a bit damp but y'know

they don't love you like I love you

So I definitely didn't spend £35 on hair products today...

2 packets of XXL Live red hair dye (red passion)
John Frieda shampoo and conditioner for red hair
1 litre of creme peroxide
1 sachet of powdered bleach
1 bottle of Osmo intensive deep repair hair treatment
1 sachet of ion reconstructor treatment

ahhh wish me luck! i've got the bleach on my roots as we speak... (only bleaching my roots because they're darker than the tips, and the tips are already pretty blonde)

home is when i'm alone with you

I think that one of the most significant things I learnt this year is that 'Torn' by Natalie Imbruglia is not an original; it's a cover by a band called Ednaswap - they were both released at roughly the same time and it was the Imbruglia version that became famous. I think it might be just because I've always been a massive fan of the song and assumed it was an original that it's BLOWN MY MIND.

Anyway, the original is better (in my opinion) - it has a lot more feeling.

when paper meets the ink, over thinking is the chink in my armour

Drove to Brighton pretty spur of the moment yesterday morning and it was the best decision EVER. Got to Jordann, Loxham and Pom's new house right next to Sainsburys which is where Triston is staying right now, had a cup of tea and a fag and a catch up. Then Triston and I walked into town where we bought some food, ciders and beers and sat on the beach where it was stupidly lovely weather. Later on Holly, Richie, Pike, Eric, Emily B and her boyfriend, Will and Christie joined us and it was so nice because I had no idea there were still that many people in Brighton. I went swimming in the sea in my underwear with Holly and it was SO liberating and lovely.

In the evening Triston and I stayed in with Loxham and Jordann and drank a lot and played video games, and then had quiet sneaky sex on the blow up mattress on their living room (shh Laura Ellis, I definitely NEVER mention sex in my blog!).

I won't be left dancing alone to songs from the past.

So I've been back in Ascot for two and a half days and I'm already ridiculously homesick for Brighton and Sussex campus and East Slope :(

Only two and a half months to go, oh yay. On the plus side I am going to loads of festivals and hopefully becoming an event steward which means I can go to even more festivals and stuff. But still, no drugs or sex or the beautiful beautiful town of Brighton or flat parties or sitting on the beach all day or spending hours talking with random groups of friends or sitting in Doig's room watching crap telly or smoking lots or getting messy and dancing the night away or strangers' house parties in town or... you get the idea.

oh i'm hoping you'll understand, and not let go of my hand

Today I woke up at 10:30, threw on some clothes and walked to Library Square where I met Triston who had just come out of an exam - we had a cigarette and waited until Eleanor turned up and then we walked to our new house in Coldean which took about half an hour. I was very very excited to see the house and it didn't disappoint; decent sized bedrooms, squishy sofas, nice garden, etc. Walked back, met Charlie at the bus stop and went straight into town. Bought a load of random crap I didn't need like some more nail varnish and a pretty notebook and a pen (actually I kind of needed the pen) and a Nandos meal (extra hot chicken pitta, chips and coleslaw, can't go wrong). I also got my lip pierced, and I was weirdly more nervous about it than I've ever been about any piercing before - probably because it really was an impulse decision and because I anticipated a lot of pain (which I was kind of right about, still not as bad as my anti tragus though). then I realised that Triston would probably be kinda angry cause I hadn't told him beforehand and cause he really wants a lip piercing and cause he's always said that one wouldn't suit me, so I went to Ann Summers and bought some sexy underwear with which to reconcile with him.

Errr then I came home and partook in some illegal activity and then realised I have an exam tomorrow at 9:30am so I read the rest of The Great Gatsby which I'm being examined on and had a nap and now I'm in a public computer room on campus eating a tuna sandwich with some difficulty because of aforementioned lip piercing.

I'm also being examined on this guy tomorrow which is quite nice because I love love love love him.

ANIMALS


Have you forgotten what we were like then
when we were still first rate
and the day came fat with an apple in its mouth

it's no use worrying about Time
but we did have a few tricks up our sleeves
and turned some sharp corners

the whole pasture looked like our meal
we didn't need speedometers
we could manage cocktails out of ice and water

I wouldn't want to be faster
or greener than now if you were with me O you
were the best of all my days
- Frank O Hara

she looks like the real thing, she tastes like the real thing

One more exam to go, one more exam to go, one more exam to go. Then Cat and end of term parties and frolicking and lovely lovely Brighton all to myself. YAY. I'm well into Radiohead right now.

and I will learn to cook for you, that's one thing that I plan to do

i'm coming up only to hold you under

I want more soul making moments in life, like when a group of us were sitting on Charlie's bed and spontaneously started singing Animal by Miike Snow or when I had that long catch up with Alex Kirkham or when I saw a man die in a Hungarian tube station or when I drive Cat and her friends to college or when I eat food in public and then spit it out laughing or when food doesn't mean that much to me (which only happens very occasionally like when I'm on amphetamines or when I get jealous) or when I'm at a festival or when Triston tells me beautiful incredible things about life and love without even realising it or when I get drunk with my family or when I get nauseous because I'm so angry or yesterday when I found out that both of my great grandmothers committed suicide by sticking their heads in gas ovens.
I also found out that I'm one sixteenth Jewish, so that's nice I suppose. It's incredible how much of the time I feel like I don't know what's going on, or who I really am or what I'm doing in life - and I think the more of these moments the better because they make me feel more real and more wanted and more living.

in your eyes I see the eyes of somebody I knew before, long long long ago.

stop your messin' around

Hi i'm Sophie and I do stupid things like get bitten by horses

and buy useless but mildly amusing things like this

i'm wide awake and i can see the perfect sky is torn.

i'm very naive, that's all i have to say right now.

I buried a bone 
and darling you don't know him
darling you don't know him
darling you don't know

and just where you are
might be the right place
might be that sweet space
but you don't know

well look me in the head
I've got nothing on my mind
I've been waiting for you 
all this time

and I'd seen a path turn to an old road
but the secret's too slow
and we're too fast

look me in the mouth
I've got nothing in my smile
I've been waiting for you
you're just my style

look me in the gut
I've got fear from my own name
I'd dig it up for you 
if you'd do the same

you should go home before your money's all gone

:) yeahhh so at this rate it looks like i'll be handing in my portfolio 24 hours late, i'll just have to deal with the 5% cut off my mark. I've always handed in everything else on time and been getting 2:1s so i'm not particularly anxious.

today i'm going to smoke and read Everything is Illuminated for the umpteemth time and write stuff. 

Things I have done today instead of writing the 3000 word portfolio that is due in on Wednesday:

1. Slept till 3pm
2. Had sex
3. Sat in Charlie's room with a load of people
4. Went to East Slope bar and had a roast
5. Sat in Charlie's room with a load of people
6. Sat in Charlie's room with a load of people
7. Sat in Charlie's room with a load of people
8. Went to shop with Alia, bought stuff
9. Cooked and ate stuff
10. Watched half an episode of Psychoville till Box of Broadcasts crashed
11. Smoked a cigarette

... oh dear.

somebody's got to be interested in how i feel just cause i'm here and i'm real

Things I have done today instead of writing the 3000 word portfolio that is due in on Wednesday:

1. Had sex
2. Bought bacon and beans
3. Cooked and ate bacon and beans
4. Sat outside talking with Triston, Butch, Doig and James
5. Smoked a cigarette
6. Facebooked
7. Went to the library and spent an hour finding and taking out books (so sort of productive yay)
8. Got back, realised none of the books are very relevant
9. Facebooked
10. Smoked a cigarette, went to Flat 40 and spoke to Emily, who says she has just woken up from a refreshing nap.
11. Came back, had a nap.
12. Woke up, facebooked and went on youtube
13. Walked to shop, bought pesto, cheese and a carton of Ribena
14. Cooked and ate pasta with pesto and cheese

I'm currently drinking my carton of Ribena and wondering what to do next. I might make a crown out of cardboard and officially crown myself the Queen of Procrastination.

shake, shake, shake senora!

1. I've decided to give up drinking as it makes me sick/ sleepy/ weepy and take drugs all the time instead - so apologies in advance if I die

2. I went to a MEXICAN themed party last night which involved a lot of chimichangas, ponchos, Harry Belafonte and tequila. It was very very fun yes it was, confirmed by the fact that when a security guard came to shut down the party he said that he didn't even get a complaint or phone call - they could just hear it from the security office at the other side of campus.

3. Doig was possibly the fucked i've ever seen him (on a combination of alcohol and other substances) and came out with THE best lines:

'Holly and Charlie are the same person; they just have different pictures on their heads'

(whispering to me) 'Don't say fourty... never say fourty...'

(to Triston) 'You are very, very spiderman'

(to me, pointing to my chest) 'Boob. You are... boob. You have one boob'

(to Edd) 'I am very in love with you' ... he then proceeded to push Edd against a wall and make noises which I can only describe as 'HURGH'



Go on, have a little boogie (you know you want to)

I saw this guy on Thursday night at Jam - my friend organised a night there and it was pretty fucking mental in a very good way. lots of electro swing and whisky and friends and drugs and dancing on the stage and getting thrown off the stage and knowing nearly everyone there and cigarettes on the beach after the club closed :)

I met him down by the bay, he said life is a stranger that won't go away. He took me by surprise and I felt for the first time what it's like to be alive. 


I met him down by the sea, he said I looked like someone he knew. I said 'I don't know anyone, so how could I possibly know you?'


I'm a soldier, but I don't know how to fight. I'm your best friend but I'm scared to see you tonight. I am the darkness but I want to be the light, oh how I want to be. Oh how I want to be. 

under the bridge downtown is where i drew some blood

You do not always know what I am feeling.

Last night in the warm spring air while I was

blazing my tirade against someone who doesn't interest

              me, it was love for you that set me

afire, 

and isn't it odd? for in rooms full of

strangers my most tender feelings

           writhe and

bear the fruit of my screaming. Put out your hand,

isn't there

an ashtray, suddenly, there? beside

the bed? And someone you love enters the room

and says wouldn't

you like the eggs a little

different today?

And when they arrive they are

just plain scrambled eggs and the warm weather

is holding.

For Grace, After a Party - Frank O'Hara.

^ I fucking love my course at the moment, for reasons such as this indescribably beautiful poem. 

In a few weeks I will get time to realise it's right before my eyes.

Brief update. I have NO money and so have been eating excessive amounts of noodles and sardines which is quite literally the only food I have left from the boxes of food my parents so lovingly gave me at the start of the year.

Triston and I are quite possibly the most broke couple I know; to the extent that not only are neither of us going out/ drinking/ buying anything desirable or necessary, but he's been working extra shifts all week, both of us have resorted to 'giving up' smoking (i.e. scrounging cigarettes and bits of tobacco from anyone sympathetic) and i've been wearing the same pair of tights for a week because I can't afford to do any laundry or get a bus into town and buy some... yum!

Aside from that, I'm having probably the most fun in my life that i'm ever going to have ever. The weather is nice, my course is suddenly surprisingly fun and engaging and there are always friendly people about :)

you used to kiss me, but it was just on the cheek

these are so achingly relevant.

Everyone is a fucking napoleon

Fucked off at pretty much everyone and everything UGHHHHHHHHH.

Except for Triston, he's still pretty fucking great.

Run like a race for family when you hear like you're alone
the rusty gears of morning
 and faceless busy phones
we gladly run in circles
but the shape we meant to make is gone

And love is a tired symphony
you hum when you're awake
and love is a crying baby
mama warned you not to shake
and love's the best sensation
hiding in the lion's mane

So i'll clear the road, the gravel
and the thornbush in your path
that burns a scented oil
that i'll drip into your bath
the water's there to warm you
and the earth is warmer when you laugh

And love is the scene i render
when you catch me wide awake
and love is the dream you enter
though i shake and shake and shake you
and love's the best endeavor
waiting in the lion's mane.