I could stay a while, but sooner or later I'll break your smile
And I can tell a joke, but one of these days I'm bound to choke
And we might share a kiss, but I feel like I can't go through with this
And I bet we could build a home, but I know the right thing for me to do
Is to leave you alone
I'm beginning to like you so you probably won't get what I'm going to do
I'm walking away from you
It probably don't make no sense to you
But I'm trying to save you
From all of the things that I'll probably say or do
And I'm beginning to like you
It's a shame
What a lame way to live
But what can i do?
Well I hope you appreciate
What I do...
I'm a martyr for my love for you.
Tuesday 28 December 2010
how can someone so inconsistent mess up so consistently?
I'm currently reading Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close; the main character is called Oskar and he likes to invent things in his mind. These are my favourites, of the ones I've come across so far.
1. What about little microphones? What if everyone swallowed them, and they played the sounds of our hearts through little speakers, which could be in the pouches of our overalls? When you skateboarded down the street at night you could hear everyone's heartbeat, and they could hear yours, sort of like sonar. One weird thing is, I wonder if everyone's hearts would start to beat at the same time, like how women who live together have their menstrual periods at the same time, which I know about, but don't really want to know about. That would be so weird, except that the place in the hospital where babies are born would sound like a crystal chandelier in a houseboat, because the babies wouldn't have had time to match up their heartbeats yet. And at the finish line at the end of the New York City marathon it would sound like war.
2. In bed that night I invented a special drain that would be underneath every pillow in New York, and would connect to the reservoir. Whenever people cried themselves to sleep, the tears would all go to the same place, and in the morning the weatherman could report if the water level of the Reservoir of Tears had gone up or down, and you could know if New York was in heavy boots. And when something really terrible happened, like a nuclear bomb, or at least a biological weapons attack - an extremely loud siren would go off, telling everyone to get to Central Park to put sandbags around the reservoir.
3. "Grandma? Over." "Yes? Over." "Why are matches so short? Over." "What do you mean? Over." "Well they always seem to run out. Everyone's always rushing at the end, and sometimes even burning their fingers. Over." "I'm not very smart," she said, insulting herself like she always does before she gives an opinion, "but I think the matches are short so they can fit in your pocket. Over." "Yeah," I said, balancing my chin on my hand, and my elbow in on the windowsill. "I think that, too. So what if pockets were a lot bigger? Over." "Well, what do I know, but I think the people might have a hard time reaching the bottoms of them if they went much lower. Over." "Right," I said, switching hands because that one was getting tired, "so, what about a portable pocket? Over." "A portable pocket? Over." "Yeah. It would be sort of like a sock, but with a Velcro outside, so you could attach it to anything. It's not quite a bag, because it actually becomes part of what you're wearing, but it's not quite a pocket either, because it's on the outside of your clothes, and also you can remove it, which would have all sorts of advantages, like how you could move things from one outfit to another easily, and how you could carry bigger things around, since you can take the pocket off and reach your arm all the way in. Over." She put her hand against the part of her nightgown that covered her heart and said, "That sounds like one hundred dollars. Over." "A portable pocket would prevent a lot of finger burns from short matches," I said.
4. An ambulance drove down the street between us, and I imagined who it was carrying, and what had happened to him. Did he break an ankle attempting a hard trick on his skateboard? Or maybe he was dying from third-degree burns on ninety percent of his body? Was there any chance I knew him? Did anyone see the ambulance and wonder if it was me inside?
What about a device that knew everyone you knew? So when an ambulance went down the street, a big sign on the roof could flash
DON'T WORRY! DON'T WORRY!
if the sick person's device didn't detect the device of someone he knew nearby. And if the device did detect the device or someone he knew, the ambulance could flash the name of the person in the ambulance, and either
IT'S NOTHING MAJOR! IT'S NOTHING MAJOR!
or, if it was something major,
IT'S MAJOR! IT'S MAJOR!
And maybe you could rate the people by how much you loved them, so if the device of the person in the ambulance detected the device of the person he loved the most, or the person who loved him the most, and the person in the ambulance was really badly hurt, and might even die, the ambulance could flash
GOODBYE! I LOVE YOU! GOODBYE! I LOVE YOU!
5. What if the water that came out of the shower was treated with a chemical that responded to a combination of things, like your heartbeat, and your body temperature, and your brain waves, so that your skin changed colour according to your mood? If you were extremely excited your skin would turn green, and if you were angry you'd turn red, obviously, and if you felt like shiitake you'd turn brown, and if you were blue you'd turn blue.
Everyone could know what everyone else felt, and we could be more careful with each other, because you'd never want to tell a person whose skin was purple that you're angry at her for being late, just like you would want to pat a pink person on the back and tell him, "Congratulations!"
Another reason it would be a good invention is that there are so many times when you know you're feeling a lot of something but you don't know what the something is. 'Am I frustrated? Am I actually just panicky?' And that confusion changes your mood, it becomes your mood, and you become a confused, gray person. But with the special water, you could look at your orange hands and think, 'I am happy! That whole time I was actually happy! What a relief!'
1. What about little microphones? What if everyone swallowed them, and they played the sounds of our hearts through little speakers, which could be in the pouches of our overalls? When you skateboarded down the street at night you could hear everyone's heartbeat, and they could hear yours, sort of like sonar. One weird thing is, I wonder if everyone's hearts would start to beat at the same time, like how women who live together have their menstrual periods at the same time, which I know about, but don't really want to know about. That would be so weird, except that the place in the hospital where babies are born would sound like a crystal chandelier in a houseboat, because the babies wouldn't have had time to match up their heartbeats yet. And at the finish line at the end of the New York City marathon it would sound like war.
2. In bed that night I invented a special drain that would be underneath every pillow in New York, and would connect to the reservoir. Whenever people cried themselves to sleep, the tears would all go to the same place, and in the morning the weatherman could report if the water level of the Reservoir of Tears had gone up or down, and you could know if New York was in heavy boots. And when something really terrible happened, like a nuclear bomb, or at least a biological weapons attack - an extremely loud siren would go off, telling everyone to get to Central Park to put sandbags around the reservoir.
3. "Grandma? Over." "Yes? Over." "Why are matches so short? Over." "What do you mean? Over." "Well they always seem to run out. Everyone's always rushing at the end, and sometimes even burning their fingers. Over." "I'm not very smart," she said, insulting herself like she always does before she gives an opinion, "but I think the matches are short so they can fit in your pocket. Over." "Yeah," I said, balancing my chin on my hand, and my elbow in on the windowsill. "I think that, too. So what if pockets were a lot bigger? Over." "Well, what do I know, but I think the people might have a hard time reaching the bottoms of them if they went much lower. Over." "Right," I said, switching hands because that one was getting tired, "so, what about a portable pocket? Over." "A portable pocket? Over." "Yeah. It would be sort of like a sock, but with a Velcro outside, so you could attach it to anything. It's not quite a bag, because it actually becomes part of what you're wearing, but it's not quite a pocket either, because it's on the outside of your clothes, and also you can remove it, which would have all sorts of advantages, like how you could move things from one outfit to another easily, and how you could carry bigger things around, since you can take the pocket off and reach your arm all the way in. Over." She put her hand against the part of her nightgown that covered her heart and said, "That sounds like one hundred dollars. Over." "A portable pocket would prevent a lot of finger burns from short matches," I said.
4. An ambulance drove down the street between us, and I imagined who it was carrying, and what had happened to him. Did he break an ankle attempting a hard trick on his skateboard? Or maybe he was dying from third-degree burns on ninety percent of his body? Was there any chance I knew him? Did anyone see the ambulance and wonder if it was me inside?
What about a device that knew everyone you knew? So when an ambulance went down the street, a big sign on the roof could flash
DON'T WORRY! DON'T WORRY!
if the sick person's device didn't detect the device of someone he knew nearby. And if the device did detect the device or someone he knew, the ambulance could flash the name of the person in the ambulance, and either
IT'S NOTHING MAJOR! IT'S NOTHING MAJOR!
or, if it was something major,
IT'S MAJOR! IT'S MAJOR!
And maybe you could rate the people by how much you loved them, so if the device of the person in the ambulance detected the device of the person he loved the most, or the person who loved him the most, and the person in the ambulance was really badly hurt, and might even die, the ambulance could flash
GOODBYE! I LOVE YOU! GOODBYE! I LOVE YOU!
5. What if the water that came out of the shower was treated with a chemical that responded to a combination of things, like your heartbeat, and your body temperature, and your brain waves, so that your skin changed colour according to your mood? If you were extremely excited your skin would turn green, and if you were angry you'd turn red, obviously, and if you felt like shiitake you'd turn brown, and if you were blue you'd turn blue.
Everyone could know what everyone else felt, and we could be more careful with each other, because you'd never want to tell a person whose skin was purple that you're angry at her for being late, just like you would want to pat a pink person on the back and tell him, "Congratulations!"
Another reason it would be a good invention is that there are so many times when you know you're feeling a lot of something but you don't know what the something is. 'Am I frustrated? Am I actually just panicky?' And that confusion changes your mood, it becomes your mood, and you become a confused, gray person. But with the special water, you could look at your orange hands and think, 'I am happy! That whole time I was actually happy! What a relief!'
Monday 27 December 2010
Saturday 25 December 2010
New Years Resolutions.
1. Attend all my seminars and registered lectures.
2. Read more books.
3. Drink more wine.
4. Be quieter during sex.
That's all, I always make too many anyway. This way I have two for mind (a university education and books) and two for body/ soul (wine is good for the soul and sex is good for the body, even quiet sex). Done :)
2. Read more books.
3. Drink more wine.
4. Be quieter during sex.
That's all, I always make too many anyway. This way I have two for mind (a university education and books) and two for body/ soul (wine is good for the soul and sex is good for the body, even quiet sex). Done :)
sweet like a candy cane hanging from the tree, I will stripe you red and green
Today has been altogether pretty awesome :)
I received a fair few beautiful gifts; a hip flask from my sister and her boyfriend, speakers for my laptop, a lovely jumper dress, a JULIA NUNES t-shirt and bumper sticker, a gorgeous golden lion necklace - to name a few. But I think my all time favourite gift is from my mother; three beautiful first edition books including Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. I've only read the first four pages and already decided that he's pretty much my favourite contemporary author.
“We laughed and laughed, together and separately, out loud and silently, we were determined to ignore whatever needed to be ignored, to build a new world from nothing if nothing in our world could be salvaged, it was one of the best days of my life, a day during which I lived my life and didn’t think about my life at all.”
I received a fair few beautiful gifts; a hip flask from my sister and her boyfriend, speakers for my laptop, a lovely jumper dress, a JULIA NUNES t-shirt and bumper sticker, a gorgeous golden lion necklace - to name a few. But I think my all time favourite gift is from my mother; three beautiful first edition books including Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. I've only read the first four pages and already decided that he's pretty much my favourite contemporary author.
“We laughed and laughed, together and separately, out loud and silently, we were determined to ignore whatever needed to be ignored, to build a new world from nothing if nothing in our world could be salvaged, it was one of the best days of my life, a day during which I lived my life and didn’t think about my life at all.”
Thursday 23 December 2010
I got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine
I have rarely felt a) so festive b) so happy c) so hungry ALL the time (slightly worried I may be pregnant).
I think it goes to show that heaps of Christmas decorations, mince pies and a determination to feel Christmassy definitely does not necessarily lead to a warm fuzzy festive feeling. We have a sparsely decorated Christmas tree (I was too ill so dad decorated it - his 'minimalistic' creativity leaves something to be desired, plus he threw a load of decorations out last year including ALL the tinsel) and nowhere else in the house is decorated. I've had precisely one mince pie so far, and I haven't had a particularly strong determination to FEEL festive; it's just happened. yay :)
The happiness is due to a number of things; mainly at the moment, fun times with Cat last night and viewings of Easy A - disputably one of the best films ever.
I think it goes to show that heaps of Christmas decorations, mince pies and a determination to feel Christmassy definitely does not necessarily lead to a warm fuzzy festive feeling. We have a sparsely decorated Christmas tree (I was too ill so dad decorated it - his 'minimalistic' creativity leaves something to be desired, plus he threw a load of decorations out last year including ALL the tinsel) and nowhere else in the house is decorated. I've had precisely one mince pie so far, and I haven't had a particularly strong determination to FEEL festive; it's just happened. yay :)
The happiness is due to a number of things; mainly at the moment, fun times with Cat last night and viewings of Easy A - disputably one of the best films ever.
Monday 20 December 2010
Failed New Years Resolutions for 2010 (oops):
1. Get a job
2. Get a tattoo
3. Floss more regularly
4. Don't become an alcoholic/ smoke a lot/ do drugs (MAJOR FAIL)
Achieved New Years Resolutions for 2010 (yay):
1. Go to Cambridge or Sussex
2. Get at least one more piercing
3. Befriend more straight men
4. Keep my existing friends
5. Start university well
6. Go to at least 10 gigs
New Years Resolutions for 2011 still to come... I need to have a think.
1. Get a job
2. Get a tattoo
3. Floss more regularly
4. Don't become an alcoholic/ smoke a lot/ do drugs (MAJOR FAIL)
Achieved New Years Resolutions for 2010 (yay):
1. Go to Cambridge or Sussex
2. Get at least one more piercing
3. Befriend more straight men
4. Keep my existing friends
5. Start university well
6. Go to at least 10 gigs
New Years Resolutions for 2011 still to come... I need to have a think.
Sunday 19 December 2010
There's no-one I can talk to like I talk to myself, she said
There's no clothes I can buy
That make me feel like myself, she said
So I put on clothes to make me look like someone else instead
And as a matter of fact I don't like to be seen
Cause I'm not satisfied with myself, she said
There no perfume I can buy
To make me smell like myself, she said
So I put on perfume to make me smell like someone else in bed
And as a matter of fact I don't like to be scented
I don't like to smell myself, she said
There no one I can talk to like I talk to myself, she said
So I play games to make them think I'm someone else - it's inbred
And as a matter of fact I don't like to be seen
Cause I'm not satisfied with myself, she said
Saturday 18 December 2010
I love you in the morning, when you're still hungover.
fuck it, exploiting my personal life is what I'm best at. I'm not going to put them all here, but some.
3. The way he kisses.
4. The way he can pick me up and swing me around
9. His ability to play guitar and sing well. On Thursday night after we had sex, he sat on the bed naked with his guitar and played Soco Amaretto Lime by Brand New and Creep by Radiohead. He looked and sounded so fucking beautiful that I became all overwhelmed/ wasn't sure what I'd done to deserve him and cried during both songs. He laughed and told me to stop being so cute. I vowed to myself that I'd never forget those moments, ever.
15. How he appreciates my body even though I don't think it's very pretty at all.
17. His smell.
19. How he puts up with me looking like a massive hobo 87% of the time.
25. The way he looks first thing in the morning, especially his messy hair.
26. How he's really warm all the time.
30. How he worries about me a fair amount but strives to hide it from me (something I've only discovered recently) e.g. The ball on my tongue bar keeps coming off, and after I had driven home on Friday after dropping him back at Sussex he told me that he was mega worried it would fall off while I was driving and I'd choke and crash - I thought it was one of the most endearing things I've ever heard.
3. The way he kisses.
4. The way he can pick me up and swing me around
9. His ability to play guitar and sing well. On Thursday night after we had sex, he sat on the bed naked with his guitar and played Soco Amaretto Lime by Brand New and Creep by Radiohead. He looked and sounded so fucking beautiful that I became all overwhelmed/ wasn't sure what I'd done to deserve him and cried during both songs. He laughed and told me to stop being so cute. I vowed to myself that I'd never forget those moments, ever.
15. How he appreciates my body even though I don't think it's very pretty at all.
17. His smell.
19. How he puts up with me looking like a massive hobo 87% of the time.
25. The way he looks first thing in the morning, especially his messy hair.
26. How he's really warm all the time.
30. How he worries about me a fair amount but strives to hide it from me (something I've only discovered recently) e.g. The ball on my tongue bar keeps coming off, and after I had driven home on Friday after dropping him back at Sussex he told me that he was mega worried it would fall off while I was driving and I'd choke and crash - I thought it was one of the most endearing things I've ever heard.
passed out on the overpass, Sunday best and broken glass.
Today is a good day. I got home from Cat's at just the right time; the trains were still running so I didn't have to wait but it had just started snowing heavily so the journey home was the prettiest ever :)
My parents were meant to have a party tonight but cancelled cause of the weather; disappointing for them, but it now means that we're snowed in with insane amounts of champagne, wine and cheese. I'm not complaining, today I've had a lot of red wine and goats cheese on toast and it's been beautiful. I also watched Cabaret with my mother and made a substantial list of all the things I love about that boy which I may or may not put on here at some point. Happy, happy, happy.
My parents were meant to have a party tonight but cancelled cause of the weather; disappointing for them, but it now means that we're snowed in with insane amounts of champagne, wine and cheese. I'm not complaining, today I've had a lot of red wine and goats cheese on toast and it's been beautiful. I also watched Cabaret with my mother and made a substantial list of all the things I love about that boy which I may or may not put on here at some point. Happy, happy, happy.
Tuesday 14 December 2010
time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
I have a huge Julia Nunes fetish right now, no word of a lie. I'm also quite concerned for my bestest friend in the whole world and wish her a speedy recovery - *virtual warm fuzzy feelings*. I really want my purse back from Brighton so that I can start buying/ ordering beautiful Christmassy related gifts and whatnot.
Monday 13 December 2010
How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love (love)
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love.
yay for life :)
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love.
yay for life :)
Sunday 12 December 2010
i just can't look, it's killing me
Happy as a happy thing :) Alex Jordan's coming to visit tomorrow during the day if he passes his driving test; Katy, Rosie and Sarah are coming in the evening for chilli con carne and Mean Girls, and on Tuesday none other than that lovely lovely boy is coming to stay for a couple of days.
As a side note, mega kudos to Julia Nunes for making an 'N Sync song sound cool.
As a side note, mega kudos to Julia Nunes for making an 'N Sync song sound cool.
if you think you need a fix, i'm not the fixing kind
Highlights of today so far:
1. Watching a guy on the telly trying to beat the world record for the number of watermelons punched in a minute
2. Going to the shop and buying Glamour magazine and a packet of skips.
... so maybe I need to start getting out more.
1. Watching a guy on the telly trying to beat the world record for the number of watermelons punched in a minute
2. Going to the shop and buying Glamour magazine and a packet of skips.
... so maybe I need to start getting out more.
Friday 10 December 2010
how could this be done by such a smiling sweetheart?
Good morning :) These are the music videos to the 10 most played songs on my iTunes (in order)... cause they're nice. The only exception is that number 7 should technically be Die by the Drop by The Dead Weather, but Youtube wouldn't let me embed the video :(
Thursday 9 December 2010
Show a little tenderness, no matter if you cry
I lost my virginity on a living room floor, stoned and listening to Portishead. It was one of the best experiences of my entire life.
my heart's got a tricky valve that beats for nobody but you
I've decided to try and keep up this blog more regularly; I'm pretty much home for Christmas now and my creative outlet has waned somewhat since going to Uni. Wishlist maybe? I haven't done one in ages after all:
1. Triston in my bed for a long time
2. To be better so that I can get up and about and drive around and be merry again
3. Normal hair again (right now it looks about half the length it actually is, because it's all stuck up and matted and I have what looks suspiciously like a dread at the back)
4. A McChicken sandwich, chips and two pints of Coke - yes, two
5. My purse; I left it in Brighton so I can't do Christmas shopping or Internet shopping or go to the pub/ buy alcohol or cigarettes or do anything remotely fun
6. New clothes - two pairs of jeans and three dresses would be beautiful
um, that's about it really.
Tuesday 7 December 2010
can't say that i've been good all year, but i've been making resolutions to get you here
Been to hospital, had my appendix out, lots of hurty hurt and pain etc etc. boring facts about life and mumbo jumbo and nothing which means much to anyone apart from me myself and i.
it's christmas soon, yay. i miss Triston James Spicer and I want him in my bed - there, i said it.
My mother's thoughts on Triston - 'he's a very good looking young man isn't he, and hasn't he got wonderful hair!'
yes, yes he does. it's going to be a long holiday.
i miss sex too.
it's christmas soon, yay. i miss Triston James Spicer and I want him in my bed - there, i said it.
My mother's thoughts on Triston - 'he's a very good looking young man isn't he, and hasn't he got wonderful hair!'
yes, yes he does. it's going to be a long holiday.
i miss sex too.
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