de-activating this blog for the time being because I don't have anything to say anymore.

my idea of fun

I've been thinking recently about changing this blog into something more creative; attempting to assemble my simultaneously manic and mundane thoughts into some form of short stories or creative pieces, maybe mixed with stuff I come across in my uni reading that I like - poems and quotes from books and whatnot.

I don't know, I might even start a new blog altogether. I'm feeling pretty directionless on the creativity front, so with 2013 looming I'm trying to give myself a push up the arse.

She partly drew aside the curtain of the long low garret-window, and called our attention to a number of bird-cages hanging there; some, containing several birds. There were larks, linnets and gold-finches- I should think at least twenty.
'I began to keep the little creatures,' she said, 'with an object that the wards will readily comprehend. With the intention of restoring them to liberty. When my judgement should be given. Ye-es! They die in prison, though. Their lives, poor silly things, are so short in comparison with Chancery proceedings, that, one by one, the whole collection has died over and over again. I doubt, do you know, whether one of these, though they are all young, will live to be free! Ve-ry mortifying, is it not?' 

- Bleak House, Chap. XIV.

well all the apostles, they're sitting in swings
saying "i'd sell off my savior for a set of new rings
and some sandles with the style of straps that cling best to the era"
so all of the businessers in their unlimited
hell where they buy and they sell and they sell all their
trash to each other but they're sick of it all
and they're bankrupt on selling
and all of the angels
they'd sell off your soul for a set of new wings and anything gold
they remember
the people they loved their old friends
and i've seen through them all 
seen through them all and seen through most everything
all the people you knew were the actors
all the people you knew were the actors
well, i'll go to college and i'll learn some big words
and i'll talk real loud
goddamn right i'll be heard
you'll remember all the guys that said all those big words he must've
learned in college
and it took a long time
i came clean with myself
i come clean out of love with my lover
i still love her
loved her more when she used to be sober and i was kinder. 

Life is okay; Triston and I have both got this weird stomach bug though so we're not eating very much at all but I guess this can only be a good thing for me. 

tickle me green, i'm too naive

As I stood on the small frosty platform waiting for a train that seemed an eternity away, I looked up at the painfully blue sky. The sharp twangy taste of green olives haunted my mouth and my coarse hair obscured my vision in the biting wind and I placidly contemplated others near me. An impatient, foot tapping, expensive coat wearing doll glared about her, angry at the way things are and where is that god damn train and I wonder if those shoes are still on offer where was that place again and oh my god I can't believe that slut Lorraine last night oh whatever his shoulders weren't broad enough for me anyway and where is that god damn train.

As her thoughts steadily wafted about in a cloud of banality, I buried myself, looking down into the dark, cold, slightly clammy gap between my dress and the inner stitching of my coat, breathing in the odour of my deodorant and a dress that hadn't quite dried properly and Triston's Calvin Klein eau de toilette and that unmistakeable scent of crisp, clean cold. I pulled my upper lip towards my nose to sniff the aloe vera of my cheap lip balm, left a sticky residue on my philtrum and unburied myself from the little haven of familiarity.

A rustling sound caught my hazy attention and I glanced towards a spindly tree to my right, with bleak branches leaning precariously over the platform. Balanced on one of these branches were two young squirrels, entwined in each other, kicking, biting, nuzzling, their bushy tails moving delicately in the early evening rawness. I looked at the man to the right of me; large, red, with glazed eyes and a small attractive mouth, warm dragon's breath smoking from it into the numb air. I thought about my father; how thin and yellow he would appear next to this confident beast. I thought about whether red or yellow was a more attractive pallor. I thought about whether 'beast' was an insult or a heavily-laden compliment. I decided on olive.

(work in progress)

I just want to know something today

Good things in my life

• I'm keeping on top of my university studies and actually enjoying them so far which is generally keeping me very happy; it took me a while to realise that my uni progress and attendance (or lack of it) contributes to my mood and sad phases more than I had ever imagined. 
• Things with Triston are lovely, it's our 2 year anniversary in 6 days. 
• I moved into a new house around 3 weeks ago (which I may or may not have mentioned on this blog), and it's honestly pretty much the only place I've ever truly felt at home. It's just got such a laid back, well humoured atmosphere and everybody is generous and warm and open - we even have big sit down family dinners that everyone contributes to and I'm a bit wine drunk and feel like I'll tear up typing this so I'll stop, but suffice to say I feel so safe and happy in this home.
• I'm pretty happy body conscious wise at the moment - it's a bit of an understatement to say that I have ups and downs regarding my self image and the way I feel about my weight, but right now I'm fairly confident and I've got some new clothes which helps. I don't feel beautiful (honestly I think women very rarely do), but I don't feel vile either. 

Bad things in my life

• I'm really pretty concerned for a very special person in my life and probably my favourite person in the whole world, and I wish them a healthy recovery from the depths of my heart. Baby, I'm here for you whenever you need me and whatever you need me for: just say the word. 
• I went home for my mother's birthday yesterday; the older we both get, the more I realise just how much I really dislike her. I love her and I'll always love her because I don't have much choice, but my god is she one of the most frustrating human beings I've ever known. A particularly delightful quote from the family lunch; "Now Sophie I don't want to sound anti-feminist, but in all honesty you're probably best off just marrying a rich man and spending your life popping out babies for him and spending his money." I'd like to point out here that my mother went to Cambridge university, has always been able to support herself and brings home more money than my dad does. So it's not a "This is my philosophy in life and you should follow it.", it's more a "You're useless at everything anyway, so why bother?" 
• My hair is falling out at an alarming rate. As a 20 year old relatively healthy female, I'm thinking I should probably go and see a doctor about this. My hair is probably about a quarter as thick as it was a few months ago; when it's wet in the shower, simply running my fingers through it causes huge masses to just slide out and I'm not going to lie, it's pretty god-damn terrifying. 
• General money issues, but I'm trying not to get too worked up about it because I don't want to become my mother. I basically can't afford my rent for the whole of this term unless I get a job; I still technically have some form of paid work with UK Transcription - but going by the ridiculous amount of reading I've been given already for uni, I'm not realistically going to be able to both succeed in my studies and have a part time job. It's something I need to think about, but for the moment not a huge concern. 

you are not the sun.

Decided to forsake my limited budget to go on a decadent shopping spree - something I haven't done in a long while, but I was so bored of all my clothes and really needed a little perk :)

New Look, £20, possibly can't make out the pattern but it's got little skulls all over it - looks really nice on, although I need to get a push up bra to wear with it otherwise it makes my chest look a bit frumpy.

 

And Primark's rubbish and hardly has anything on their website, but I also got a plain purple swishy skirt with a little black belt for £6, because the only two skirts I ever wear are flowery so I wanted something plain so I can wear more JAZZY tops and whatnot without looking mental. Then I got a white dress with multi-coloured flowers and butterflies on it; not something that would usually catch my eye but it really suited me on and it was reduced from £15 to a fiver, bargain!

Then I also bought six pairs of black tights because I always need new tights as I can't seem to wear a pair for more than two days without ripping them, and realised that I literally owned no tights that weren't ripped or had holes. Bought some coconut conditioner for £1.99 and dis for 3 squids...

 

 

 

... because my hair is quite literally a) falling out at an alarming rate every time I wash it and b) feels like straw 99% of the time. Ummmm I also bought a Subway for lunch and a peach cooler from Costa (serously, get one, they're incredible). So this amounts to, er, a lot of money, oops.

 

 



 

 



 



nobody likes you, everyone left you, they're all out without you having fun

Oh me, my fickle self and I. I'm house-sitting for my parents this week; been in Ascot since Sunday and Triston was with me until Thursday, when I decided that his presence was far too smothering and constraining for my delicate and introverted nature to handle so I sent him packing in a fit of selfish self-absorped fury.

Okay, bit of an exaggeration - in reality I just wanted to be on my own for a few days to see if the last two independent maturing years at university made me any less horrendously bad at being self-sufficient and coping at being alone for longer than an afternoon.

They didn't.

On the plus side I have two very affectionate cats, full reign over a Sky + telly and a fully equipped swishy kitchen to cook up some crazy treats in. On the down side... well, everything else.

i've come a long way since the essence up on east slope hill

Acts seen at Shambala (did the very sensible thing of jotting them down as I saw them in my phone this time, as I can hardly remember anything I saw last year due to my insatiable thirst for alcohol/narcotics):

Only Joe
The Resonators
Bison
The Boxettes
Beleruche
Billy Bragg
The Destroyers
Kakatsitsi
The Apples
Coda
Dizraeli and the Small Gods
Molotov Jukebox
Joe Driscoll
Shambala Beatbox Orchestra
The Twinkle Brothers
Vieux Farka Toure

I knew one song of Dizraeli's and had heard of Billy Bragg and Joe Driscoll but that's about it, but they were all amazing - this is what I love about Shambala, discovering new wonderful things :)

Today 21st

Flying from Toulouse to Gatwick, landing 5:45pm. My sister's picking me up and we're driving back to Brighton together, and I'll probably take her out for drinks or dinner or something. Triston's working until 10pm anyway so I'll have no real need or want to hang around Coldean.

Tomorrow 22nd

Go to the bank and cash cheque
Take out money for Shambala
Go to Aldi to buy cheap spirits
Go to Sainsbury's/ Asda for food, beer/ cider and mixers
Possible trip to Big House
Possible shopping for outfits for the 'Boogie Knights' costume theme
Pack for Shambala 

Thursday 23rd

Driving to Shambala with Alice, Triston and Charlie; pick David up on the way in Milton Keynes.

Friday -Sunday 24th-26th

Shambala!

Monday 27th

Drive back from Shambala; drop David back off in Milton Keynes, drop Alice off in Ascot and possibly pick up some stuff.

Tuesday 28th - Friday 31st

Pack up all my shit, email Rodger about getting deposit back, clear out stuff. Invite Cat round to assist with said clearing and packing up of stuff.

Saturday 1st

Move out of Coldean, move into Edburton Avenue!

Sunday 2nd

Settle in, sort out hob and dishwasher. Probably around this time I should also look into starting up work again at UK Transcription.

Monday 3rd -Sunday 9th

House sitting and looking after the cats in Ascot with Triston. Try and get more reading for next term done, but more likely (if the last time Triston and I were alone in Ascot is anything to go by) take advantage of the clean modern fancy kitchen to make lots of delicious food, watch huge amounts of crap telly and have a lot of sex.

Monday 10th - Thursday 20th

Get the rest of holiday reading done, start work again with UK Transcription, order the rest of the books I need for next term, buy/prepare all my stuff for uni, sort out mum's birthday.

Thursday 20th

Term starts


I like plans, plans are nice. Having had a week in the French countryside with little to do and few people to see, the next few weeks are very exciting.

And I'm clearing all the crap out of my room
Trying desperately to figure out what it is that makes me blue
And I wrote an epic letter to you, and it's 22 pages front and back but it's too good to be used
And I tried to be a girl who likes to be used
But I'm too good for that, there's a mind under this hat
And I called them all and told them I've got to move
Feel like running.

I'm in France and the weather has fluctuated between 30 and 40 degrees celsius since I've been here; it's muggy and clammy and full of mosquitoes but the heat is soothing and the mountains are beautiful, and I'm largely at peace.

we're all just waiting to die.

So the last couple of weeks have been interesting; my anxiety has blown through the roof and my general sadness is probably at its most dangerous. I got scarily sad a few days ago, as in vaguely contemplating finding the bridge near Coldean that runs over the A27... not jumping, but sitting on the railings and contemplating life until Triston came and found me. Instead I walked to campus in the hope of either finding this patch of bluebells in the woods that Triston and I visit every year and make me so ruddy happy, or at least finding the bench at the top of the hill behind campus and sitting there to contemplate. 

Anyway, I found neither of these things but got scared and panicky as it was dark and cold and raining but luckily Tristy phoned me because he had just got home and was panicking because I wasn't there. He came and found me and we swung on the swings on campus and then walked me home in the pouring rain, which despite my internal emotional trauma was really, really romantic. 

I don't know, it comes and goes in waves. Today I'm happy, and I guess that's all that matters for now. 

out come the gaunt ghosts of your thoughts

I was supposed to finish work today, but my boss asked me to stay for longer... to preserve my sanity I bullied him down to me coming in 2/3 days a week so yay, cash moneys but also sort of freedom! Friday night, cooking home-made Indian with the man (beef dansak, onion bhajis, chapattis and bombay potatoes) and watching horror films in honour of Friday 13th. Is it lame that I'm ridiclously excited that I actually get to stay up late tonight and drink cider and watch shit and play on the Sims 3 because I don't have to get up for work tomorrow? FUCK YOU CLUBBING AND DRUGS AND FRIENDS, I'M A HOME BODY NOW.

Except not really, but these kind of things are just bloody beautiful after a long day's work.

there's no one I can talk to like I talk to myself

Apologies for not having posted in an age, my laptop's done yet another wondrous thing and decided not to let me post on my blog - I'm on my desktop now but I'm very rarely on here so yay.

Life is a weird one right now; I'm still undecided as to whether having a full time job over summer is a) a marvellous idea which is cultivating me into a responsible, independent, dollar flashing woman or b) making me feel like a distinctly lost, depressed and still semi-broke student. Either way, I'm exhausted 90% of the time and I feel like I hardly get to see anyone or really do anything.

Saying that, I did go to London for my sister's graduation on Thursday which was bladdy lovely - followed by seeing Die Antwoord which was absolutely insane. I also went to see Kimya Dawson last night which I was a huge messy wreck for, but in a good way. I'm in a bit of a dilemma because I'm supposed to be finishing at this transcription company on Friday which I'm super excited about because I'll actually have my summer back, but at the same time I think my boss might ask me to stay for longer because things seem so hectic at the moment and he keeps complaining about not having enough typists. I can't really turn down the money, but at the same I feel too young and careless for this shit.

I get this horrible sinking feeling sometimes that I'm incredibly irritating to everybody around me, particularly to those who I love the most.

no amount of coffee, no amount of crying.

I've spent today largely feeling very alone. This is disconcerting;  today I went into town and had a chat with Nigel who is the head of Personnel Selection, a recruitment agency I went through to get my waitressing job last week. He was really kind and sweet to me and concerned that I didn't get enough breaks and said that he'd write to the catering company to complain, and assured me he'd phone as soon as any more work came up. While I was there I also saw two of the guys I worked with, who were equally kind and sweet and chatty to me. Then I went to Big House where I spent the afternoon with Holly, Alia and Charlie - who were all (as usual) friendly and good humoured and enquired about how I was and what I'd been up to and we chatted for hours and I played them some music I've gotten into recently which they really liked. Then I got the bus home and Butch, James and Becky all asked where I'd been all day and if I'd had a nice time and again, they were all interested and nice and gave me hugs. And Doig's been texting me today and I've spoken to Cat on facebook, and even though Triston's revising he's been coming in my room occasionally to kiss me and squeeze me and tell me he loves me and make some inside joke or another.

I really don't understand why this isn't enough.

So my hair is purple and even though I've finished for summer I really don't feel like I have yet; I think it's partially because nobody else has finished and partially because I always get into these habits of holing myself up with music and computer games and cigarettes and my diaries - and it's nice up to a point, but then I forget how much being on my own for too long makes me anxious and blue. I mean Triston's about but he's mainly been in his room revising like a mad man for the past few days, and although I know I can always go to him if I'm feeling down I don't like to because he's easily swayed by distractions and he's been doing so well of late.

I want to be this cat.

ummmmm it's late and I should probably sleep but Triston hasn't come in yet so I'll probably just have another cigarette and watch My Strange Addiction because it makes me feel more normal.

start wearing purple

Went on a shopping spree today, which was probably a bad idea seeing as I have hardly any money and no job prospects - but it was really fun and therapeutic so I don't care so much.

(this is Maybelline's 'popsicle' range in Cherry Pop, it smells like cherry sweets and is more like a tinted balm)

And I can't find an image for the ear hanger I got at urban outfitters anywhere, but it's one of these, except the ear pendant is a dangly silver feather with a teal stone above it:

CITING TEALEAF

will you remember to take another breath when your heart's beating like a drum in your chest?

MY SIMS 3 HAS STOPPED WORKING MY SUMMER IS OFFICIALLY OVER... except not really because I was going to buy an expansion pack anyway and I found one on play.com where you can buy the original sims plus an expansion pack for only like 4 quid more than the expansion pack on it's own so YAYYYYYY, except it's going to be here in 3-5 days so what the fuck do I do until then?

I'm not a real person and I don't feel comfortable doing real things yet.

I just need to keep you in mind as something larger than life.

Oh how I love holidays.

Today I went into town and met Hooshmand and we went to this huge posh weird housing complex behind Brighton station where he lives so he and a witness could sign his tenancy agreement; then I left and actually got lost for about 5 minutes which was really disconcerting because I generally feel like I know Brighton like the back of my hand now, but then I inexplicably ended up by Aldi and it was okay. Went to Rob's and luckily he was in to sign his tenancy agreement, then walked to Doig's to get his signed and I was going to head straight to the post office to send them all off but then you know, Doig happened.

So instead I stayed and we watched about seven episodes of the Vampire Diaries and ordered indian take-away and talked about life and it was really nice - haven't had quality Doig time in a while. Ummm now I'm home and super chilled out despite the fact I haven't heard back from that fish and chip place yet and my room's a fucking tip. But it's okay because I have three whole months to serve fish and chips and clean my room and do a whole host of other things. Tomorrow I plan on sending off the tenancy agreements and cleaning my room and dying my hair and playing the Sims 3... it's a hard life :)

Also today I listened to this song like 1029048234 times because a) I FUCKING LOVE EMO MUSIC AND I DON'T EVEN CARE and b) I was wearing my new Taking Back Sunday hoodie for the first time so every time I look down at my left sleeve and see the name printed there I'm like I KNOW LET'S LISTEN TO TAKING BACK SUNDAY... marketing, eesh. (Also I forget that this video has all the Fight Club montages in it and it makes me even more happy).

i don't think about you all the time, but when i do i wonder why

I really like that my housemate James has lots of things that I can play with like a big glow in the dark stick and a dj set and circus things, and I like that today we had a bbq and it was really sunny and I spent hours drinking cider and smoking cigarettes and learning circus tricks with sticks and tassles and things and running around and listening to Fatboy Slim and I didn't feel fat or ugly or inadequate I just felt nice.

Tomorrow Triston and I are going to my parent's house for dinner and to help my dad cut the garden hedge, and we're staying over and then on Sunday we're going to Slamdunk festival at Hertfordshire Uni which I'm really looking forward to because it will be all emo and nostalgic, and then Monday will probably be pretty shitty cos I'll be knackered but I'll have to cram revise, and then Tuesday morning it's my 3 hour exam and then I'll be free as a bird with a french fry :)

Don't you love it when you realise the house is empty so instead of doing revision you watch re-runs of Supersize vs. Superskinny and then cry because one of the supersize girls is only a few stone heavier than you so you eat a whole tub of chicken tikka sandwich filler and a big bag of crisps and then throw up and then eat two more big bags of crisps and then throw up and because you're upset you do it really violently and manage to get it all over your hair and face and clothes and bathroom floor

I know I do

Four kicks who's strutting now?

So despite the fact that I still have one more deadline and an exam to go, I've decided to give myself some time off (from time off) and make a SUMMER list of all the exciting things I want to do in my glorious 3 months of vague freedom - getting a full time job aside.

BOOKS TO READ


Hamlet - Shakespeare (I feel like such a failure of an English student when I realise I've never read this)
ALL THE DICKENS
Beloved - Toni Morrison
By Way of Swann's - Marcel Proust
The Aeneid - Virgil
ALL THE CHUCK PALAHNIUK
Filth - Irvine Welsh
The Rainbow - D.H. Lawrence
The Fall of the House of Usher and other stories - Edgar Allen Poe
The Bonfire of the Vanities - Tom Wolfe
Vanity Fair - William Thackeray

THINGS TO WATCH 


Game of Thrones
Vampire Diaries
re-watch Pushing Daisies
Dark Shadows
General trash - 90210, the OC, Gossip Girl... ALL THESE THINGS I'VE NEVER WATCHED BUT SHOULD BECAUSE THEY WILL ENRICH MY MIND

THINGS TO DO


19th June - picking dad up from Gatwick airport
21st June - Cat's burfday shindig
23rd June - Emily Harris' shindig
1st July - Kimya Dawson
5th July - Die Antwoord

General other times - DO FUN THINGS but also get a job. Really Sophie, get a job.

I wanna be a hero when I grow up

Acts I've seen live (this is most definitely a partial list, as there are two festivals where I was so twatted that I can't really remember any bands I saw, oops):

1. Adam Green
2. Admiral Fallow
3. Airborne Toxic Event
4. The Anomalies
5. Anti Flag
6. Arcade Fire
7. Astronautalis
8. Badly Drawn Boy
9. Beggarz Fixx
10. Ben Caplan & the Casual Smokers
11. Benjamin Francis Leftwich
12. Ben Tatham
13. Bernhoft
14. Biffy Clyro
15. BIGkids
16. Bitches
17. Blink 182
18. Bloc Party
19. Born Gold
20. BOYCOM
21. Brand New
22. Cajun Dance Party
23. Carly Bryant
24. Carnival Collective
25. Cats and Cats and Cats
26. Chet Faker.
27. Cocknbull Kid
28. Congo Natty
29. The Correspondents
30. Cypress Hill
31. Dan le Sac vs Scroobius Pip
32. Danananakroyd
33. Darwin Deez
34. Daughter
35. Deaf Club
36. Dirty Pretty Things
37. Dizzee Rascal
38. Doorly.
39. Editors
40. Ellen and the Escapades
41. Emma Louise
42. The Enemy
43. Fall Out Boy
44. Fatboy Slim
45. Feeder
46. Films of Colour
47. Florence and the Machine
48. The Fratellis
49. Frightened Rabbit
50. Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.
51. Gogol Bordello
52. Gross Magic
53. Guns n Roses
54. Heathers
55. I Am the Avalanche
56. Ida Maria
57. Imperial Leisure
58. Islet
59. Jack's Mannequin
60. The Jezabels
61. Jim Lockey and the Solemn Sun
62. Joe Corbin
63. Jordan Cook aka Reignwolf
64. Joe Driscoll
65. Jumping Ships
66. Kaiser Chiefs
67. Kalakuta Millionaires
68. Karima Francis
69. Kimya Dawson
70. Kings of Leon
71. The Killers
72. The Libertines
73. Los Campesinos!
74. The Maccabees
75. Mallory Knox
76. Manchester Orchestra
77. Martin Creed
78. Master Shortie
79. Metric
80. The Midnight Beast
81. Mindless Self Indulgence
82. Modest Mouse
83. Momerath
84. Mr B the Gentleman Rhymer
85. Mystery Jets
86. New Groove Formation
87. Paramore
88. Patrick Wolf
89. Pendulum
90. Plain White T's
91.. Professor Elemental
92. Quantic
93. Queens of the Stone Age
94. The Raconteurs
95. Shy FX
96. The Skints
97. Slow Club
98. The Special Ks
99. The Subways
100. Submotion Orchestra
101. Swanton Bombs
102. Taking Back Sunday
103. Tegan and Sara
104. Tenacious D
105. Theme Park
106. Tin Roots
107. The Town Heroes
108. Trippple Nippples
109. Two Door Cinema Club
110. Two Jackals
111. Vampire Weekend
112. Weezer
113. We are Scientists
114. The Xcerts
115. Yeah Yeah Yeahs
116. Yukon Blonde
117. Zebrahead
118. Lower Than Atlantis
119. Say Anything
120. Motion City Soundtrack
121. Funeral for a Friend
122. The Audition
123. MC Lars


So yeah this isn't everything because I didn't keep a band list for Reading 2010, Playgroup or Shambala and also 5 bands inexplicably disappeared while I was alphabetising them and PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS EVER AGAIN MY BRAIN IS SO DEAD okay bye

so hi my mother and my best friend are the same person

Now is probably a good a time as any to admit to myself/ the internet/ the world the problems I have with food.  I've only recently realised how obsessed I've always been with it in one way or another; in bed the other night I was contemplating some childhood memories and it dawned on me how many of the most vivid ones involve food - not necessarily the happiest or most important memories - but nevertheless I've retained them. Probably the most interesting of these are:

1. We never kept crisps in the house, until when I was probably about 7 or 8 and the football world cup was on and my dad bought a huge box of Walkers cheese and onion crisps. I was allowed one packet every day when the match was on, but I remember sneaking some away afterwards and eating up to four packets a day.
2. When I was very young, as soon as my plate was set down in front of me, I had an obsessive habit with immediately separating out what I was and wasn't going to eat. My mum always recollects how it was surprisingly hard to get me to eat a whole meal for a long time, and then suddenly it was impossible to get me to stop.
3. Similar to the last one but much more amusing, is another obsessive habit I had of re-enacting the scene in the Lion King where Timone and Pumba introduce Simba to eating insects - so I'd say all the lines and only eat a mouthful when Timone or Pumba or Simba eat an insect in the film, and then start the scene all over again.
4. (God these are all coming back to me now) I used to love drawing people, particularly my friends and family, and every time I'd draw someone I'd write their name and age above their picture, and whether they were skinny, normal or fat.

I honestly don't know when I started to put on weight; I guess it was about 7 or 8, but I was always tall for my age and I don't ever remember wearing clothes designed for my age even when I was tiny. I think my issues have possibly got worse recently; when I was in France over Easter my parents and sister were cooing over a photo of me they found when I was about two or three - but all I could really think was how fat I looked in it.

So there were periods when I was a teenager when I actively tried to eat less, and I was probably my skinniest right after I broke up with Sophia the first time. Then in year 12 when I was getting the shit bullied out of me for coming out, I started making myself throw up. The first time it happened was when I got home from a house party really, really drunk - I needed to be sick but it wasn't coming so I just helped it along a bit. I don't know, the incident doesn't really stick out in my mind as the start of anything. I've never, ever thought of myself as bulimic even when I was doing it 2-3 times a week during sixth form - partly because I reckoned I never did enough for it to count, and partly because I didn't think I was losing weight (which I wasn't, but I get a horrible suspicion sometimes that the reason I've put on so much weight at university is because I've mostly stopped). I couldn't even admit to myself properly in my diary, just drawing a little square by the date so I'd know I'd thrown up that day.

Things were (and still are) especially bad when I'm left on my own - I almost always order a shit ton of food, eat it really quickly and then throw up. This happened a lot more during sixth form because my parents went to France a lot, but much less since I've been at university because I'm almost always around Triston. But when I'm not, the binging and purging has been worse - before I tended to only do it alone at home, but since it's also been the toilets of fast food restaurants and in my car at service stations.

Anyway, I've vaguely been on a diet for the past few months, and probably the most unintentional good that I've done is start a blog (http://thingswhichieat.blogspot.co.uk/ if you're super bored) where I solely record what I eat and drink every day. When I started it I was scared I'd become more obsessed, but I actually feel really proud when I can write a post where everything is reasonably healthy and I haven't over-eaten. The (vx) symbols are when I've voluntarily thrown up, (ivx) is where I've involuntarily thrown up.

It's a long haul, and nobody knows any of this apart from Cat, but it's been a relief to get it all down. I could go on forever about everything else to do with food that's happened in my life; like how there was a huge book this girl had written of everything she ate in a year at an art exhibition in Hungary and my sister had to tear me away from it because I just stood there and read it the whole time we were there, or how (I don't know if this is really related or not) I'm incredibly terrified of cooking for other people and I still get super paranoid even making food for Triston and I'm always convinced everything's burnt or tastes horrible. Anyway, I'll stop now.

Turn me back into the pet I was when we met.

Bah, last night wasn't very fun in the end. Got nice and drunky and druggy at big house for pike's birthday, then went to Volks but the queue was ridiculous so ended up at Concorde (completely forgetting it was a star wars themed night, which if everything had turned out okay probably would have been hilarious). Triston couldn't get in cause the bouncer said he was too fucked, which I hadn't really noticed up until then but then realised that he could barely string a sentence together and had the scariest fucked eyes I've ever seen on him.


The girls insisted I went in without him and he'd be fine, so I paid a fiver to get in but even within the first 10 minutes I wasn't enjoying myself at all cause all I could do was worry about him and what he was doing. Went and had a cigarette and a weep on Lizzy, who said that if I really thought he couldn't get home on his own and I wasn't going to have a good time anyway, I should take him home. So Tess came with me to find him, agreed that he needed someone with him, so I left.

Getting him home was okay, probably because I didn't want to have to deal with him on a bus and so paid 12 quid for a taxi, but it got us home super quickly. Got the majority of his clothes off and put him to bed (his bed), and thought everything would be fine, but at some point he woke up and came into my room and really pissed me off/ kinda freaked me out because he just wouldn't leave. I tried to explain multiple times that I loved him but I didn't want to have to look after him any more tonight, and if he loved and respected me he'd go back to his room and go to bed and I'd talk to him in the morning cause I just needed some peace and quiet. After each explanation he'd say 'yes okay okay, I will' to which I'd say '.. now, Triston, I want you to go now', to which he'd reply with something completely incomprehensible, or half started sentences like 'you seem to think that..' or 'because I...' and then look at me for an answer as if he'd said the whole thing, or (most frustratingly at all) 'just chill out, sophie, sophie, just calm down, don't worry', but then he still wouldn't fucking leave.

In the end I threatened to go downstairs and get Butch to come up and make him leave me alone, and only when I was halfway down the stairs I heard him say 'fuck this' and go back into his room.

I watched glee for a few hours, slept from 6am to around 8:30am, then went to the post office to post the paperwork for the house next year (finally) and now I don't know. I just swear to god he'd better treat me like royalty today, but I know he won't and I know he'll try to deny being that fucked/ being incomprehensible/ upsetting and scaring me because he's too fucking proud for his own good.
I wasted 18 quid on that boy last night, plus the mandy we'd been saving for ages for a big night, plus an awesome night out with pretty much all our close friends. I know deep down that it was the right thing to do because there's no way he would have gotten home by himself, and he would have got bored waiting outside Concorde eventually and wandered off, but right now I really wish I had just left him there.

Went home for the afternoon and was welcomed by the lovely surprise of NEW CLOTHES from my pappa, probably because every time I go home I look like a smelly threadbare but highly loveable tramp.

(this dress is a lot greener in real life, like mint green)

I'M GOING TO BE A FLORAL VISION THIS SUMMER probably, but also clearly my dad also thinks i'm not hippie enough for Brighton cause he also got me THESE:

Also my mum's contribution to my general welfare was twenty quid and two bottles of wine, I really love my parents sometimes/ all the times when they give me things.

ain't this just like the present to be showing up like this?

So yesterday I started walking to uni with every intention of going to my 11am seminar and then to my 4pm seminar, but then I accidentally got on a bus to town instead. Procrastinated by managing to stay in town for over 12 hours, what AM I... I hung out at Big House with Holly, Leon and Steph for a while and we smoked a lot and watched funny youtube videos and ate key lime cheesecake. Then I spent ages persuading Charlie to come to the pub with me, so we went to the World's End and then Doig turned up and then Saffie turned up (who Doig invited cause he wants to get in her pants but I don't think it's going to happen really) and then Hooshmand came (who I invited cause he may be living with us next year so I thought we should really get to know him better) and then Triston came and it was all merry and nice.

Then Triston, Doig, Charlie and I went back to Big House and Triston played nice guitar and Doig and I played card games and then we were going to go to Madame Geisha's to see some guy Doig knows dj but none of us could really be bothered so we watched Black Books with Alia and Dave for a bit instead and then Triston and I shimmied back to Coldean and had the best sex there ever was in the world, probably.

Now with all that procrastination and lack of academic goodness and all the drinking and eating rubbish, today is theoretically going to be a detox day where I get down to some work and eat healthy - the fact that I'm still in bed and am going to town in an hour (although to be fair I do need to, meeting new landlord ahh) makes this likelihood drop to approximately zero.

sit me down, shut me up

i like this girl a lot.

i guess that my truth is just the ghost of my lies

I don't know who I want to be anymore.


'A lazy-arse, scruffy-hair, outa-bed-stumbling, illegal cigarette smoking, freek-mode munchie getting, Nutella right 2 da edge of her white bread spreading, cute boy wif no-front-teeth scoping, 'wat de fok happened last night??? i'm never drinking again!' vowing, head-ache pumping, horse-tranquilizer pill-popping, squishy little cheekie weekie zef rap-rave pixie.'


I want to be the all the girls Jesse Lacey has ever written any song about (even Seventy Times 7), I want to be the protagonist in The Bell Jar and Harry Potter and the His Dark Materials trilogy and Hi there! Supermouse and May and The Outsider and Catcher in the Rye and Chicago the musical and in any horror film that I survive in, and the author of A Clockwork Orange and Fight Club and Everything is Illuminated and The Black Prince and The Handmaid's Tale and House of Hunger and Heart of Darkness and The Great Gatsby and Othello and Never Let Me Go and Great Expectations and every other book that's ever touched me, and I want to be Effy, Emily and Cassie from Skins and Sookie from True Blood and Phoebe from Friends and any female drummer that's ever existed and Rizzo from Grease and Fran from Black Books and Yolandi Visser from Die Antwoord and Hayley Williams and Ani Difranco.
 I want to be ruthless, kind, continually amusing, inexhaustable, thin, good looking, intelligent, humble, proud, dignified, unattainable, intimate, distant, independent, discrete, quietly spoken - a tortured soul, some of the time. I want to be anyone with naturally straight hair or green eyes. I want to be anyone with an accent different to mine. I want to be anyone who has good posture, anyone who can handle their drink, anyone who's thin, anyone with cheek bones, anyone who appears secretive, anyone with a caffeine addiction, anyone who does or doesn't smoke, anyone who doesn't eat, anyone with a marketable talent, anyone who is motivated to succeed in something. 
I want to be French, Spanish, Italian, Brazilian, Australian, Canadian, Mexican, Thai, Swiss, Dutch, Japanese. I want to be a traveller, I want to be a housewife, I want to be a mother, I want to be homeless, I want to be a slut, I want to be a 'mentalist', I want to be a 'hottie', I want to be a weirdo, I want to be a creep, I want to be normal, I want to be insane, I want to be a prude, I want to be an academic, I want to be a druggie, I want to be 'on it', I want to be modest, I want to be a mystery. I want to be approximately every reasonably attractive girl i've ever met. I want beauty, power, pride, but I also want none of these things.
 I want to be a poet, a primary school teacher, a museum curator, an author, a solicitor, a music producer, a film director, a singer, a glass blower, a pub owner, a bookshop owner, a librarian, a cafe owner, a university lecturer, a nurse, a waitress, an astronaut, a philosopher, a professional blogger, a manager of music festivals, a journalist, a magazine editor, a film critic, a greetings card designer, a hairdresser, a spinster, a tramp, a loony. except I really don't want to be an astronaut. I want to be everybody and nobody i've ever met.

Have you forgotten what we were like then
when we were still first rate
and the day came fat with an apple in its mouth

it’s no use worrying about Time
but we did have a few tricks up our sleeves
and turned some sharp corners

the whole pasture looked like our meal
we didn’t need speedometers
we could manage cocktails out of ice and water

i wouldn’t want to be faster
or greener than now if you were with me O you
were the best of all my days

if anyone can watch all 4 minutes and 16 seconds of this without shedding a tear, then I salute you.

the boombox on my shoulder is a box of clementines

So we went 'house hunting' yesterday and by house hunting I mean we looked round two houses that I booked viewings for because nobody else had bothered to book any yet. The first one was massive and super nice and a bit of a maze with a decent garden and free parking for Jeff and it's like 15 minutes walk from town and not massively expensive; Triston and I were really keen straight away but Steph and Henry um-ed and ah-ed because for them it's too far away from the centre of town.

So that was okay because I'd booked another house viewing that afternoon which was a lot closer to town although looked a bit grim and standardly student-like. We went to the beach for a bit and then when it was time to go see the second house they both bailed because it was a hot day and they were having fun and drinking rum and couldn't be bothered to walk back into town to see this house.

So. Triston and I went and saw this house which, as I had suspected, was okay but nothing special, not as big as the first house and a bit more expensive. Also the estate agent said it was their policy for all six people to look around before we could secure it, and as Doig's in India for a month that kind of ruled it out straight away.

Phoned up Steph who was a bit drunk, talked about it for a bit and agreed to go for the first house because her and Henry both agreed that it was really beautiful and not too far. She said that she would phone Becky to run the details past her before we 100% confirmed anything, and I said that was fine as long as she let me know that night or today. Emailed the landlord saying we almost certainly wanted to live there and we just needed to talk to one other girl and would let him know by today.

Texted Steph at 10am today reminding her to phone Becky and haven't got any reply. Just tried phoning her and she won't pick up. The landlord also hasn't replied to my last email so now I'm stressing out and just a bit pissed off to be honest. It feels like I'm the only one who actually really cares and wants to get a house soon, cause I'm the only one that's bothered to actually trawl the internet for hours for houses, so I know that there's really hardly anything out there because we've left it so late. Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Da dee da. Haven't done a real post in a while so I might as well. I've finished all my deadlines for the term which is very exciting, although I haven't really celebrated properly yet because almost everyone I know still has insane amounts of work for next week. Had a beautiful spontaneous barbecue with my housemates (minus Matt, which probably helped) last night coupled with Triston and Butch trying to fix the outside drain which was hilarious - Butch blocked it by throwing a load of old barbecue ash/ charcoaly water down it, silly silly man.

Been getting vague insomnia but nothing too serious, I've just started getting really restless and vaguely panicky right before I'm about to go to sleep. That plus me waking up weirdly early means I've been feeling pretty surreal and manic over the past few days, not necessarily a bad thing.

Ummmm last week of term next week, but I'm gonna stay in Brighton for most of Easter cause I have insane amounts of work to do which I need the campus library for ideally - not actually going back to Ascot at all apart from next weekend for Mothers Day, and then I'm flying to France to meet my parents, Alice and Eddy for a few days from April 8th to the 14th.

blame it on my ADD baby.

so ridiculously obsessed with this song right now.

Me: I want some sex
Triston: well go rub up against a table leg or something, i'm working

TRUE LOVE

Last night I dreamt that my friend Ruth tried to have sex with me and then it turned out that she had a willy and I didn't want to have sex with her and she got really upset and then the next morning I was making tuna sandwiches for Triston and Doig except the tuna looked like pink caviar and I was telling them about Ruth having a willy but they didn't believe me.

I also dreamt that our living room was an aquarium and we had loads of fishes and a shark and a huge tortoise, and we still had the cricket feeder (which we have in real life to feed the bearded dragon) except instead of crickets there were massive spiders in there, and we had to feed them couscous to keep them alive but then some of them turned into butterflies and some of them turned into tiny elephants and I was terrified of the massive spiders but the tiny elephants were really cute.

and i was not the answer so forget you ever thought it was me

Everything is so strange right now; Triston and I have been sleeping ridiculous amounts - I can't remember the last time I got out of bed before 1pm - and missing lots of lectures and stuff and I'm not even really sure why. It's not like we've been going to bed late or going out clubbing or having hectic days or really DOING anything, it's just one endless cycle of lethargy and not really knowing what to do with ourselves.

You know what they say about getting older
It's only a doorway away
You know what they say about it getting colder
In the middle of the day

You can live in the corner of my room
And I will live somewhere between the ceiling and the wall
And if I need anything at all
I'll call out to you,
That's what I'll do

I'll sit out on the front sofa while your hands, they talk to me
All of this dragging around is not as fun as it used to be

Oh here we go again
All that I wanted, all that I needed.

may have already posted this, but I'm seeing them in May and got SUPER excited about it today :)

Take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in
Well you're my favourite bird and when you sing
I really do wish you'd wear my ring
No matter what they say, I am still the king
And now the storm is coming, the storm is coming, yeah. 

New favourite, they were incredible live and it's nice to be passionate about music again. 

i'm not sick but i'm not well

Today I'm dying my hair, la.

I want somebody who will either put out for me or put me out of my misery.

50 Things I Dislike About Myself


1. My belly
2. My stretch marks
3. My hips
4. My legs
5. My hair when it's being useless
6. My eyebrows
7. My sideburns/ snail trail/ occasional boob hair
8. How clumsy I can be
9. How melodramatic I can be
10. How socially awkward I can be
11. How boring I can be
12. How I never really have anything to say any more
13. How I've never really had anything to say
14. How stupid I can be
15. How ignorant I can be
16. How unmotivated and undriven I am most of the time
17. How whenever I'm with somebody I'll imitate the way they talk and the way they do things because I'm not really sure how to be me
18. How I feel so dull and inadequate around Big House, but such a constrained extrovert in my own home
19. How I'm really not very funny any more
20. How I'm really not very intelligent any more
21. How irritated I've become with people
22. How the lustre and excitement of Brighton has almost completely faded already
23. How sad and angry I've become for no real reason
24. How I always tell myself I'll get thin but then never do anything about it except throw up occasionally
25. How trapped I feel but how I hate myself for being so fucking self absorbed and how I should really man up but instead I cry and wallow like an idiot
26. How I feel like not enough tragedy has happened in my life to make me an interesting or worthwhile person
27. How much like my mother I can be
28. How much like my father I can be
29. How selfish I can be
30. How jealous I am, all the time
31. How I feel like I'm causing my own insanity but I'm too weak to do anything about it
32. How I'm not really into music like I used to be
33. How nothing's really exciting any more and how I can't tell if things have become dull or if it's me that's become dull
34. How dependent I am on Triston
35. How scared I can get
36. How I can't handle my alcohol
37. How I lie a lot about small things without really thinking about it
38. How restless I can be
39. How cold I can be towards others when I'm angry
40. How lazy I am
41. How apathetic I can be
42. How I can't sing
43. How I can't draw
44. How I can't dance
45. How I can't really talk to strangers any more without feeling socially inadequate
46. How I can't really talk to anybody any more except Triston and Cat without feeling socially inadequate
47. How I don't even really know how to act in front of my own family
48. How I have this ridiculous obsession with being 'cool' and how I get so frustrated with myself when I'm not exactly how I picture myself to be
49. How I have this ridiculous obsession with 'if I don't do this in a certain way I'm going to die' and I can't stop thinking it no matter how hard I try e.g. if I don't go and make toast and come back to my room before this song finishes, I'm going to die; if I don't get to town before 3pm, I'm going to die. The worst are things I can't even determine, like 'if my tutor's wearing green today, I'm going to die' or 'if the hot water decides not to work today, I'm going to die.'
50. How I can't be completely alone for more than a few hours without doing the following (not necessarily in this order): cry, have a panic attack, eat too much, throw up.

And I feel right at home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my ways.

I feel despondent and distracted 99% of the time; 2012 has not really started well.

Well I don't know; Christmas was beautiful as was New Year in France with Triston and my parents. On New Years Day it was unexpectedly sunny with clear blue skies and crisp cold air so we semi climbed up a snowy mountain with beautiful views and oh my god I'm not sure that I've ever felt quite as happy.

But since then it's really gone downhill - as soon as we got back from France I just didn't feel right and was miserable and boring and cried. Then on the drive back to Brighton we stopped at a service station to get cigarettes, and there was a huge puddle on the slip road leading out which we couldn't pass - Triston and I argued about which way to go and I ended up violently stalling the car and yelling at him and slamming my hands on the horn and swearing and eventually I burst into tears which didn't stop for a long, long time.

Bits have been okay since we got back; we went to visit Doig who has alcohol poisoning from spending New Year's in Scotland and had curry and watched silly films, I was sort of happy then. And Cat briefly came over to pick up her flatlet keys and i hadn't seen her for forever, and I had pretty good sex yesterday, um. It's hard to explain: it's like I'm just indifferent to people and and my course and Brighton and my finances and my appearance and food and drink and music and pretty much anything that has ever happened, is happening or will happen. The only things I really ever feel myself wanting to do are smoke cigarettes and sleep. Occasionally I also want to play on The Sims 3 or go for a walk or have sex.

I'm writing an essay on Madame Bovary which is pretty relevant I guess.

'Deep down, all the while, she was waiting for something to happen. Like a sailor in distress, she kept casting desperate glances over the solitary waster of her life, seeking some white sail in the distant mists of the horizon. She had no idea by what wind it would reach her, towards what shore it would bear her, or what kind of craft it would be - tiny boat or towering vessel, laden with heartbreaks or filled to the gunwhales with rapture. But every morning when she awoke she hoped that today would be the day; she listened for every sound, gave sudden starts, was surprised when nothing happened; and then, sadder with each succeeding sunset, she longed for tomorrow.'