up in my lonely room where i'm dreaming of you, oh what can i do? i still need you girl.

so module results today; i got a C in geography which is basically a bit shit cause i need an A to get into Sussex which is where i majorly want to go. my mother was oh so supportive and helpful as usual.

Me: mum, i'm worried i'm not going to get into university.
Mum: well you see, i don't really know what the appropriate maternal response is here. i could tell you that it's all going to be fine and you'll get the grades, but i don't know if you will so that'd be lying. i could tell you that you can always take a gap year and re-apply and it doesn't really matter, but it does matter so i'd also be lying. so i'm going to be honest - i'm fucking shitting myself for you.
Me: ... ta.
Mum: more wine?

i'm not quite sure people really understand/appreciate my mother at her best, so i've provided some visual aids:














this is my aunt Dibs, my sister, me and my mumma (just LOOK at her xD) when we went to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show and my mum insisted that everyone dressed up for it... nobody else was.














mum back when she was cool ish.. i rly wish she had kept that t-shirt so i could sneakily steal it.


















oh madre.

And all my broken hearts, and all my forgettable false starts, well you can have them right now.

when the smaller picture is the same as the bigger picture, you know you're fucked.

so i have laryngitis, yum.

romance is boring.

I don't want to sound trite but you were perfect
The way you look could seriously make nature dysmorphic
I wish that you would kiss me 'til the point of paralysis
The way I flail my arms in front of you, it just embarrasses
I'll never turn my body clock back
And think about the things I'm glad I left out
Some things are best left unsaid.

and i wonder if i'm just built this way.

god i love the french.

if you see me walking down the street and i start to cry, walk on by.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Disorder:	High
Antisocial Disorder:	Moderate
Borderline Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Disorder:	Very High
Narcissistic Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:	Moderate
Dependent Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

Symptoms of Histrionic Personality Disorder:
Needs to be the center of attention
Dresses or acts provocatively
Rapidly-shifting and shallow emotions
Exaggerates friendships
Overly-dramatic, occassionally theatrical speech
easily influenced; highly suggestible

i don't know WHAT they're talking about ish.

she said 'i'll show you a picture of tomorrow, there's nothing changing it's all sorrow'

today i'm going to do some homework and drink some tea and go to katy's house and eat chinese and watch movies and paint my nails and buy some blue tac and maybe go to the bank and um.
i think i'm getting sick :(

and when i see you, i really see you upside down.

take a glorious bite out of the whole world.

bands/artists i've seen live (vaguely in order, ones in italics are my favourites):

2008:
1. Anti Flag
2. Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.
3. Taking Back Sunday
4. Dizzee Rascal
5. Biffy Clyro
6. The Enemy
7. The Fratellis
8. Ida Maria
9. The Subways
10. Dirty Pretty Things
11. We Are Scientists
12. Editors
13. The Raconteurs
14. The Killers
15. Mindless Self Indulgence
16. Plain White Ts
17. Feeder
18. Tenacious D
19. Adam Green
20. Cajun Dance Party
21. Mystery Jets
22. Heathers
23. Kimya Dawson

2009:
24. Danananakroyd
25. Manchester Orchestra
26. Airborne Toxic Event
27. Fall Out Boy
28. Jack's Mannequin
29. Kaiser Chiefs (about half their set i think?)
30. Kings of Leon
31. Metric
32. Patrick Wolf
33. Brand New
34. Vampire Weekend
35. Yeah Yeah Yeahs
36. Bloc Party
37. Master Shortie
38. 3OH!3
39. Astronautalis
40. Tegan and Sara

2010:
41. Islet
42. Swanton Bombs
43. Los Campesinos!

we kid ourselves there's future in the fucking, but there is no fucking future

last night was Los Campesinos!

well let's put it this way; we met both of the support bands which included a stoned moustacheod crazy guy and a tony skins lookalike drummer who was quite yummy even by my shitty gay standards; we got pictures of them WITH JEFF and we acted vaguely like groupies which was very exciting. the venue was tiny in the middle of an industrial estate and it was BRIGHT BLUE and the inside was all orange and disco ish and flashing. we met a load of cool people (predominantly ginger males, coincidentally) and a gay couple and a diehard fan in a leather jacket who sort of looked like mr bean and seriously looked as if he was about to cry everytime los campesinos! played anything ever. i went a little bit crazy, and by the time we left i looked almost as rough as i did after 3 days at reading festival (except maybe slightly less dirty). i also stole a tambourine and lost a shoe.

i'll pull you to me like the moon and the sea

so i'm not really a worrying sort of person, but it seems to be all i've been doing recently. i'm worried about my exams and especially getting an A in geography which i'm pretty much failing in, i'm worried about my mother and her burgeoning alcoholism, i'm worried about my weight and general exponentially mong appearance, and i'm worried about my bestest friend cat (if you're reading this i love youu zillions and i propa hope you get better soon). i'm worried about growing up and not really being ready for it at all, i'm worried about leaving for uni and leaving those i love behind and i'm worried about making friends/ being accepted at Sussex. i'm worried about getting a job in the summer and i'm worried about my recent inability to keep food down. i'm worried about my motivation and conscientiousness and determination and will power, namely the lack of it.

where did it all go wrong?

nice things:
1. i got an A in my ethics essay today
2. i have TRIDENT SOFT
3.

4. los campesinos! on wednesday night

nasty things:
1. school work is rubbish
2. FOOD IS RUBBISH, i need to find some good nom again.
3. er
4. shower curtains? *shudder*

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/reginakelsey

you almost encourage my happiness, but i know best

i've been a fool before, wouldn't like to get my love caught in the slammin' door

men who could quite possibly turn me straight:

i know i have two of damon albarn, but he's immense and all.

you wrote your number on my hand but it came off in the rain

my new favourite to win, i think :) either this girl or this girl:

if it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?

i would kill for sheryl crow's voice, no joke.

it's times like this i think too much.

My face has turned red

But it's not from something you just said

Oh I'm blushing on the inside

It's those damn green eyes

And panel by panel and piece by piece this all fits together but its not what you think

Oh there I go again

But you're listening to every word I say

and I'm trying not to give it away

I like to keep my cards so close

You like to keep that console on

And all my broken hearts and all my forgettable false starts

well you can have them right now

but you better not look away

You can have 'em right now but you better not look away

this is me tying to be brave.

i wish that just for one day, everyone would say exactly what they wanted to say.

enlighten me please, anyone who tries to deny you must be out of their minds. it seems i've stepped over lines you've drawn again and again but it was an honest mistake. i'm sitting out dances on the wall trying to forget everything that isn't you and i guess this is growing up. it's the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you and you were on my mind at least nine tenths of yesterday. i don't know what to say except fuck you; she doesn't deserve to be in a place like this, she's as pretty as a car crash. i thought i'd cry for you forever, but i couldn't so i didn't. nobody likes me baby if i cry. i won't regret saying these things that i'm saying, maybe it sounds mean but i really don't think so - you asked for the truth and i told you. the truth hurts worse than anything i could bring myself to say to you. i know i said i loved you but i'm thinking i was wrong and i'm the first to admit that i'm still pretty young. tell me that you love me like you think you want to be loved, baby that's just me. broken hearts hurt but they make us strong, everyone says you've just got to let it go. i'm not saying it was your faul but you know you could have done more. every time that we meet i skip a heart beat, i'm wishing my life away with these things i'll never say. i cried so hard that you pushed me further away, you've won me over in spite of me but i won't fall down, won't succumb to your vicious ways and you can push me out a window but i'll get right back up. don't let people make you think that just because you're young you're useless, although i said i hate you but i'd never change a thing. i'd swim the ocean for you, maybe together we could get somewhere. do you realise that when you are young the things you take seriously mean nothing at all, oh in five years time you might just prove me wrong. let's not forget what happened in the past, this shit's making me crazy. raindrops are falling on my head but that doesn't mean that i am dead. i'll be waiting in line just to see if you care, cause this love is all i have to give and maybe that's what it takes for me to be with you. yes i've been broken hearted, blue since the day we parted. how do you know when to let go, i want passion in my eyes and when i wake up i want life to be a surprise. i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now, and love just like blood will always stain.
i look in your direction but you pay me no attention, don't you know that i belong arm in arm with you baby? nothing compares to a quiet evening alone but i could use someone like you. she doesn't love me but she keeps me company, everything's alright. i don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you. i feel like i wouldn't like me if i met me, but she's elecrtic. she took me down and said girls like you are over-rated so save your breath. what can i do but wallow in you unintentionally? i tried to do handstands for you but everytime i fell on you; i'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you. if love is just a game then how come i've never won? if love is just a game, why is it no fun? i've learnt that the best way to get along with love is to love the other person slightly less than you get in return; take all the courage you have left, wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head. we are human after all.

i'm a burning effigy of everything i used to be

^__^ aw man, i would so go straight for a bit of robbie.
















er, going to france tomorrow which is all fun larks except not really.

i smoke and i drink and everytime i blink i have a tiny dream

reasons why life is good:
1) my hair is no longer ginger
2) i have the snuggliest ABERCROMBIE & FITCH hoody; it's the first designer thing i think i've ever owned, and it's buff
3) we have a shitload of chinese food at my house
4) i have £54 in my bank account
5) it's half term

reasons why life is bad:
1) i keep getting awful mood swings where i laugh hysterically at the smallest thing, and then weep over nothing in the space of about half an hour
2) the new skins is rubbish and it makes me die a little bit inside
3) i have no valentine
4) i've put on a ton of weight
5) there's no super good music around.

tremble little lion man, you'll never settle any of your scores.

i've just had a massive wave of 'i really, really don't want to be me anymore' and idk why, i never get this ever.

believe me, you're lying

an attempt to explain my life right now in a series of abstract but majorly related (ish) treats:


















What I want from you
Is empty your head
They say be true
Don't stain your bed
We do what we need to be free
And it leans on me
Like a rootless tree

What I want from us
Is empty our minds
We fake a fuss
And fracture the times
We go blind
When we've needed to see
And it leans on me
Like a rootless...

So fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
It's nothing to you
And if you hate me, hate me, hate me
Then hate me so good that you can let me out
Let me out of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out,
Let me out of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out.

we're over, it's done, you've hit the homerun.

=) i don't really have a lot to say but i feel like rambling. my fingers are cold and i found a super nice purse the other day; whenever anybody mentions anna i feel like i'm about to throw up and i'm pissed off that ben hasn't replied to my facebook message cause it took all the fucking good will i had to send it.
i quite want to look like ani difranco ish. my english coursework is due in tomorrow and i haven't done much but i'm suprisingly un-worried. actually it's not that suprising, i don't worry about much at all and it's both an advantage and the probable root of my entire shit-ness.

an eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.

:) i like parties and alcohol and kisses and cuddles, not so much anna campbell and her big fat lies though.

you can thank your lucky stars that everything i wish for will never come true

some things i'd like to change:
1) the way i look
2) the way others perceive me
3) the school i go to
4) people's attitudes to homosexuality (the negative or stereotyped ones)
5) my mother's eating habits
6) my panic attacks
7) the way i act when i'm upset/ in pain
8) global food insecurity
9) the increasing growth in biofuels (it's BAD)
10) subsidies and tariffs
11) inequality
12) racism/ prejudice
13) narrow mindedness
14) my singing/dancing/art skills
15) parts of my childhood/adolescence
16) the way i deal with relationships
17) snobbery
18) childrens' attitudes to reading (i'd make it fun and exciting!)
19) my sexuality

today i've learnt that smoking two marlboro menthols and drinking a can of coke makes me sick, and that katy is amazing at washing hair and all about free trading zones and neo-liberalism and that Othello was about 40 years older than Desdemona and that my legs look thinner in leggings than jeans and that BLINK 182 MIGHT PLAY AT READING THIS YEAR.

um yeah, i have new hair and it's purpley reddish brown and SILKY SMOOTH thanks to katy's afore mentioned hair washing skills :D.

my name is tristan, and i am alive

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i wish i was your favourite girl

i wish you thought i was the reason you were in the world
i wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
i wish the way that i dressed was your favourite kind of style
i wish that you couldn't figure me out, but you'd always want to know what i was about
i wish you'd hold my hand when i was upset
i wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

ridicule is nothing to be scared of.

i think i was about 15 when these were taken, bloooody hell.

keep your love lockdown.

i'm excited for life!




(kudos to charlotte for the instigation of this obsession btw)

all we need is a little bit of momentum

These are the reasons why i think my mother is secretly bisexual/gay:
1) she dated a woman at university
2) she was part of a predominantly gay and lesbian dance troop who dressed up in neon hotpants and feathers and danced through London during Gay Pride week
3) she somehow got my sister a part-time job at the leading gay and lesbian hairdressers in Soho
4) on her facebook it says she is interested in men and women

These are the reasons why i think my father is secretly bisexual/gay:
1) he drinks mineral water and exotic juices.
2) he plays squash
3) he doesn't like beer, football or rugby (or in fact any sport, except squash)
4) he dresses well
5) he doesn't flinch when i ask him to buy me tampons
6) he cooks and cleans more than any normal heterosexual man should
7) when i complained about the dryness of my skin the other day, he said 'i get that too sometimes, you just need to exfoliate and moisturise twice a week'


and they dare question the reasons for my sexuality confusion?!?! jesus christ. at dinner today i asked my mum if she thought i was odd; she said 'yes, but it doesn't matter'. Then there was an awkward silence, and she said 'you just... march to a different tune, but it's okay because you're very warm'.

warm? WARM?! what the hell does that even mean, oh dear and good grief and also mon dieu.

a kiss is just a kiss; i think that's what fools say.

so i've been in a shite mood all evening; i've cried hysterically, been exponentially harsh to everyone i've spoken to, gabbled incomprehensibly to cat and purposely listened to the most depressing music i could find and wallowed in my own general failings at life.

vaguely told sophia about all of the above, and she sends me this:






god damnnn i love that girl ^__^

swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)

don't let me get me.

1) MY 160GB IPOD CAME TODAY, therefore life is complete
2) um
3) i'm going out for a CURRY in WEST BYFLEET with various uncool people, oh my life and it's inexplicable tales/situations
4) the t-shirt i'm wearing is still slightly damp cos it hasn't been ironed yet but i'm gonna wear it anyway cos i'm hardcore/foolish like that

5)

This may never start, i'll tear us apart. Can i be your enemy?

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
You tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in.
Today was nice; minimal lessons with young fancyable teachers, pissing around with interesting and abnormal people (as abnormal as you get at the marist anyway), nothing nasty and unexpected and lots of mellow yellow.

the worst mistakes make the best memories

i fell in love with the girl at the rock show.

don't worry about me baby, i'm just what you might call live entertainment.

soooo i said i wouldn't procrastinate today, but i've been up for about an hour and a half and only written the title of my english coursework =/. interessant.





^ i've also watched this video about four times already, jesus sophieee.


‘A Story About The Impossibility of Innocence’ – Klinkenbourg. Compare And Contrast The Ways In Which Your Three Chosen Writers Present The Idea Of The Loss of Innocence.

ummm? they all grow up and fuck each other.. i haven't a clue.

We got no class, no taste, no shirt and shitfaced.

1) i have a newly found love for Nickelback
2) i dislike my lack of motivation/absent mindedness
3) ummmmmm yeah i'm distracted already

And I'm saying nothing in the past or future will ever feel like today.

so i didn't get into Cambridge :\
i'm vaguely upset but i'm not distraught; i think that it'd be a shitload of work and all the people would be really weird and i'd most likely get kicked out in the first year... but it would've been nice to prove to some people that i'm not altogether a useless (if quite funny) tramp.

well anyway, at least now i can work towards getting into Sussex which to be fair i LOVED the look of when i went there. i'll be in the gay capital of England, studying all sorts of philosophical homoerotic literature & it'll be fun =) and hopefully meeting gay girls who look like this:















(probably just wishful thinking, but you know).

you make me lose my buttons, yeah you make me spit.

i don't think i've EVER been so unprepared for school.














i've been pretty productive today in other ways though; i cleared out a huge amount of shit in my room so it's vaguely normal/habitable now :) i also went to the bank to open a current account and i've got an appointment tomorrow, so i'm hoping this is going to make me less shit with money and actually encourage me to KEEP some for more than a couple of days.




i may have uploaded this video before; but i don't care cause it's one of my favourites and it's beautiful.

i spend late nights trying to pick up love off the floor.

you're like the rest of the human race, you're one of a kind.

let's go down to the east river
and throw something in
something we can't live without
and then let's start again.


















i eat too much and i laugh too long, maybe i'll like too much of you when i'm gone.

oh, let's go back to the start.

feel better today :) i ate seven clementines earlier and felt kinda sick, oh dear.

You, in a simple grey coat, in a simple white room.

jesus christ what the fuck is wrong with me. i'd write all this down in my diary but i've just started a new one for the new year; it's green and leather and beautiful and i don't want to fill it with sad things before i've even started it properly.
i don't understand why i feel the constant need for attention and affection, i don't understand why i get so weird and i don't understand why i feel so fucking lonely so much of the time even when i'm surrounded by people.
i don't even know what i want anymore; i used to think that i wanted a girlfriend but i don't think i do cause i'm the shittiest person in relationships ever. i get so worked up and excited about being with the fucking person i don't even make the effort to appreciate them properly and then i go and fuck it all up by saying something really out of order or being too clingy or too distant or too indifferent or too attached, i don't even have a clue anymore. i'm starting to see a pattern with the way relationships work with me and it's a horrible one. then i thought that maybe i just want somebody to be with like as a comfort, but i don't want that either cause that's just selfishness on both parts and i hate that, i want someone who i can actually fucking like for who they are. no not even like, like proper, proper appreciate and smile at and find everything they do funny and cool but not in a cheesy way, just in a nice way. i don't really give a fuck what they think about me, as long as they act like they care and make me feel like i'm vaguely getting somewhere with my silly attempt at romance. but i don't want that either really cause it's meaningless and pointless. it's stupid cause often i like meaningless events and situations a lot more than meaningful ones because you can fuck it all up and say whatever the fuck you want and do whatever the fuck you want and it doesn't matter because it doesn't mean anything to you or to anyone involved.
gah and i hate the way i get so numb over things like this, like i can't talk about it cause if i do other people will think i'm being stupid or out of character cause i never really take things seriously and i'm so fucking mellow about everything but i'm not really, i'm fucking not, i just hate being upfront and i hate confrontation and i hate hot-headedness but most of all i hate how selfish i'm becoming. see, look how many fucking times i've said 'i' in this rant, it's ridiculous and self obsessed and stupid and all the things i find unattractive in other people. jesus fucking christ whatever, i'm just gonna write lyrics now.


all i said to you, all i did for you seems so silly to me now. when you were mine, you were sorta my best friend so i was blind. i know that girl is taking up your time, but i don't care cause i love you baby that's no lie.. i love you more than i did when you were mine. i could fight your beautiful words and mourn your beautiful loss. Throw me out of your beautiful lifestyle and call your beautiful name. i'm gonna spend another year alone, it's fuck and run even when i was seventeen. tell me you love me, come back to haunt me, oh i'll rush back to the start. just break me into small parts, let go in small doses - but spare some for spare parts, you might find some good ones. you are so lame, you always disappoint me. it's kind of like our running joke but it's really not funny. i just want you to live up to the image that i create, i see you and i'm so dissatisfied. i see you and i dilate. i have nothing more to say to you; open your eyes, open your mind, and maybe then i'll consider conversing again. words of glass will only cut my skin, and there's no room for scars here. the world is my oyster and the road is my home, and i know that i'm better off alone.

i feel odd.

You say that I treat you like a book on a shelf
I don't take you out that often 'cause I know that I completed you and that's why you are here
That's the reason you stay here
How awful that must feel
You said you could be my dream I could have you every night
And if by morning, I'd forgotten you, well no big deal, that'd be alright
'Cause you're the reoccurring kind
You are the reoccurring kind
You never really leave my mind
Are you the love of my lifetime?
'Cause there have been times I've had my doubts
We were just kids when I first kissed you in the attic of my parents' house, and I wish we were there now
It took so long to figure out
What this book has been about

Now I write when I'm away, letters that you'll never read
You said go explore those other women, the geography of their bodies, but there's just one map you'll need
You're a boomerang you'll see
You will return to me

'Cause if you don't, then this book is all lies
If you don't, then my plans would all be ruined
If you don't, I'll start drinking like the way I drank before
Oh, and I, I just won't have a future anymore.


this song explains things better than i ever could. i don't mind, it's just the lack of substance that's the problem.

I never meant to be the needle that broke your back.

Come along Fool
A direct hit of the senses you are disconnected
It’s not that it’s bad…it’s not that it’s death
It’s just on the tip of your tongue, and you're so silent

Wanting to live and laugh all the time
Sitting alone with your tea and your crime
Children with kids, and people with parents
Anywhich way there’s no past and no presence
When the day comes and all of them bums
Will reveal enchanting persons
Come along...

When it's a rut and baby's no luck
Half of it's misunderstanding love
The war we have won we're winning again
Within ourselves and within our friends
Come along...

i would change my life to better suit your mood, cause you're so smooth.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

This year WILL be better than last year; it's not going to be hard to be honest cause i'm off to university in October which is without a doubt the most exciting thing that i've ever looked forward to, ever.

http://www.ussu.info/minisites/index.php?cat_id=130