in the blue stained glass church you gathered up my heart.

1) i have a new found love for red nail varnish

2) mum told me not to stay up late but i think i'm going to

3) i felt more heterosexual today than i have in ages and it made me feel a bit ill but i'm not sure why

4) i've decided i want bright blue hair this summer

5) whenever i watch the gilmore girls i want to jump into the telly set and start making out with lauren graham because she's beautiful.

i was crying when i met you, now i'm dying to forget you.

i've realised that i always want what i can't have in a big way... a prime example of this: i only ever REALLY fancy straight girls and gay boys. silly sophie.

crazy eyes have you, are they gray or blue?

HELLO HELLO - THE CAT EMPIRE.

GRAY OR BLUE - JAYMAY.

WARM HANDS - AN HORSE.

today's going to be EPIC MINT AWESOME KOOL FRIGGIN BEANZZZZZZ.

hey, things won't be strange any day now.

i think my life is turning into a sitcom again - today has been very surreal so far and it's only 11am.

i got to Ascot station at about 8am, and sat on the platform with all the business men and women. There was a girl next to me stirring her coffee, and a man riding a bicycle that was squeaking, and something clicking inside the ticket office and it was weirdly all in sync and formed a sort of beat... and i actually convinced myself that everybody was going to suddenly burst into song and do jazz hands up and down the platform; but they didn't :(

then i got onto the train and i was sitting behind a really really sad lady and a man who i think was her psychiatrist, cause she was talking about how low she's been feeling and how she thinks that everyone stares at her and are plotting against her, and he was going 'mhmm, mhmm' and writing things down and he kinda looked like Dr Finch from Running With Scissors so that was pretty cool.

then i got to camberly and i got a bit lost so i phoned laura who told me where to go; and i buzzed the buzzer of Church House but nobody answered, but then a mexican man came up to me and punched in the pin number and let me in and we went into a really empty entrance foyer with nothing but a few chairs and a coffee table and a fire alarm. and i said 'where's the theory test room?' and he pointed to a door and said 'there but eez not open yet' so i said thank you and sat down and he went through another door.

i listened to adam green a lot and sang for a while, and then i realised that my theory test was meant to start in 5 minutes but nobody had turned up yet. so i looked at the confirmation letter... and realised that it was yesterday. YESTERDAY.

so then i left and did a bit of shopping, and got a train home. and on the train this time i was in a carriage with a really, really loud chinese man on his mobile who was literally yelling in chinese the whole way; there was a fat blonde guy next to me muttering under his breath 'shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up' and a girl in bright pink trousers and a red coat in front of me laughing away to herself, and it was a bit special.

then i got to the station and walked to south ascot newsagents and bought some food and ting, and i saw some girl in year 11 at the marist who grinned and waved at me but i wasn't sure who she was so i walked away. THEN on the way home there was a dead frog lying in the middle of the pavement; it really confused me cause there were no ponds or anything nearby and i couldn't understand how it came to be there, and it made me think of Magnolia and i was like SHIT AM I IN MAGNOLIA?!!!! and i expected it to suddenly rain frogs... but it didn't.

um, and now i'm home.

i watched The Silence Of The Lambs with my mumma last night cause i had never seen it before and i really liked it.

it had jodie foster in it too, which is ALWAYS a bonus.

and i'm winning you with words cause i have no other way.

today i'm losing and finding EVERYTHING.

i've lost:

1) my phone

2) my provisional driving license (i have my theory test tomorrow).

3) the one person whose been into me for forever

4) the hope that my ex girlfriend really has vanished from my life... she came soaring back into it last night.

5) my neopets password (although i swear it's been the same forever but i must have changed it for some silly reason)

6) almost all of my music on this computer - i had to move it upstairs and dad's making me delete it all.

i've found:

1) Gray or Blue by Jaymay

2) Fuck Was I by Jenny Owen Youngs

3) Under My Bed by Meiko

4) a last fm account

5) that i'm more sensitive than i thought i was

6) that it's NEVER good idea to re-engage with somebody who fucked you up to the point of breakdown... twice.

7) that blisters truly are vile

8) that i hate losing things.

"Why are we so full of restraint? Why do we not give in all directions? Is it fear of losing ourselves? Until we do lose ourselves there is no hope of finding ourselves." - Henry Miller

Love me, because love doesn't exist, and I have tried everything that does.

i LOVE this book almost more than life itself.

1. "I'm sorry for my inability to let unimportant things go, for my inability to hold on to the important things."

2. "Sometimes I imagined stitching all of our little touches together. How many hundreds of thousands of fingers brushing against each other does it take to make love? Why does anyone ever make love?"

3. "I don't think that there are any limits to how excellent we could make life seem."

4. ""The only thing more painful than being an active forgetter is to be an inert rememberer."

5. "If we communicated with something like music, we would never be misunderstood, because there is nothing in music to understand...... But until we find this new way of speaking, until we can find a nonapproximate vocabulary, nonsense words are the best thing we've got. Ifactifice is one such word."

6. "I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others -- The only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad."

7. "I want an infinitely blank book and the rest of time... ...why didn't I learn to treat everything like it was the last time, my greatest regret is how much I believed in the future. "

8. "It has shown me that everything is illuminated in the light of the past. It is always along the side of us...on the inside, looking out. "

9. "If there is no love in the world, we will make a new world, and we will give it walls, and we will furnish it with soft, red interiors, from the inside out, and give it a knocker that resonates like a diamond falling to a jeweller's felt so that we should never hear it. Love me, because love doesn't exist, and I have tried everything that does."


and this quote isn't from Everything Is Illuminated but it's a quote i found from him on the internet and i think it's beautiful.

10. "I went to a tattoo parlor and had YES written onto the palm of my left hand, and NO onto my right palm, what can I say, it hasn't made my life wonderful, its made life possible, when I rub my hands against each other in the middle of winter I am warming myself with the friction of YES and NO, when I clap my hands I am showing my appreciation through the uniting and parting of YES and NO, I signify "book" by peeling open my hands, every book, for me, is the balance of YES and NO, even this one, my last one, especially this one. Does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all, everything changed,
the distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn't the world, it wasn't the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don't know, but it's so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it."

i have a feeling today's going to be peaceful and nice.

as bad as i am, i'm proud of the fact that i'm worse than i seem.

tegan and sara are one of those bands that you can truly love but not listen to for months, and then suddenly chance upon a song by them that you haven't heard in ages and be like WOW I FRIGGIN' LOVE THIS BAND!!!! and that way, you can fall in love with them over and over again and it's very nice.

1. The Con

2. You Wouldn't Like Me

3. Divided

4. Here I Am

5. Underwater

6. And Darling

7. Fix You Up

8. Back In Your Head

9. Call It Off

10. Not Tonight

they say it's puppy love; we say it's full grown.

'You need not to find a cure for everything that makes you weak. You need not to reach for the stars when life becomes so dark and when the wind does blow against the grain, you must follow your heart.'

so today's been okay; i went to the seaside with my parents and we listened to pink floyd in the car on the way there, and we put down flowers for my grand-parents in the cemetery in Melplash. i always get really upset when i see graves that obviously haven't been visited in a long time, so i usually end up clearing the grass and dirt and dust off strangers' graves... it makes me feel peaceful :)

'where would we be without our painful childhoods?'

i got into a really bad mood last night, one of the worst moods i've had in ages. i snapped at kitty a little bit but i didn't mean to and i'm not sure what got into me, i guess maybe i just needed a bit of a ARGHH.

''can't repeat the past?' he cried incredulously. 'why of course you can!'

i had to study The Great Gatsby for my English AS that i did on wednesday; i only really got into the book a couple of nights before the exam, i had sort of disregarded it before then and i wish i hadn't.

i want:

1. darker hair

2. a chin piercing

3. intensive conditioner that smells like papaya

4. to stop being so schizo

5. a BIG ipod

6. to know everything about everything

7. more time.

'some places are like people: some shine and some don't.'

i watched The Shining for the first time the other day; i got really excited cause i didn't realise that's what the 30 Seconds To Mars music video for The Kill was based on, and i found it quite clever and cool.

i have seen the most incredible light in your eyes.

The beer i had for breakfast was a bottle of mad dog and my 20/20 vision was fifty percent off. you said punch-buggy red and punched me right in my left eye; i said don't you mean pediddle? and i lit his house on fire. he came home on acid; i was holding his shotgun, i was dressed like tina turner in beyond thunder dome. he said don't shoot, i said i won't i love you you're my friend, i handed him my wig and shot myself in the head.

then i stuffed a box of tissues in the hole in my skull, i got in my mazda and i drove to the mall.. i got a big johnson shirt and some silicone tits and when i pulled out the tissues they were covered with shit. and the beer i had for breakfast was a box of cheap white wine and the boom box on my shoulder was a box of clementines; i ate every single one without noticing the mould, you said you're gross my darling, i said no i'm rock and roll!

even though i'd never ever been in a band, i got cool as black ice tattooed on my hand and the christians gave me comic books as if i would be scared of burning in hell, well i was already there. and the beer i had for breakfast silver bullet in the brain and the beer i had for lunch was a bottle of night train, and the beer i had for dinner was my crazy neighbor's pills, we had to sit down on skateboards just to make it down the hill. then i peed my pants and you stole the groom's cigar and some old man made me watch him masturbate locked in his car, when i got back to the apartment you were face down on the floor, you said don't go to bed yet let's go get a 64.

and the beer i had for breakfast was a pint of jim beam and a fifth of peach schnapps and some warm sunny d, and you said bottoms up just as i bottomed out. i tried to scream fuck you but blood was pouring out my mouth... evan dando never planned on telling you the truth and your leonardo i.d. card is your fountain of youth, you can be a teenager for your whole fucking life, just find some pretty sucker and make that bitch your wife.

i guess by now you all know my friend danny broke his neck; he was driving home from sirens when he got into a wreck. first i cried for him and then i cried for me, haunted by the ghost of the girl i used to be. but the rocks with holes are warm in my hands and i buried my toes in the hot hot sand and the silver pink pony kisses me and says you've come a long, long way and you deserve to be really happy.

you should capture my view; cause i don't want nothing else but you :)

http://www.thelakeroom.com/

adam green is one of my favourite people in the world; i think if i grow up to be exactly like him i wouldn't be missing out on ANYTHING, except perhaps quite a lot of friends and my sanity/health.

i really want to play on farm frenzy but i think it's broken, what a fucking liberty.

Fire it up.

oh the joys of being home alone. today i drew a hydrograph and diagrams to show the development of an occluded front depression, and i also slept for about three hours and ate a mango and listened to a lot of Bowie. oh, and i watched about a gazillion episodes of Friends; PIVOT! and also I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU, YOU BROKE MY FRIDGE and also HI I'M CHANDLER AND I MAKE JOKES WHEN I'M UNCOMFORTABLE and also GREENS DON'T QUIT.... WHAT? I'M A TRIBBIANI, AND TRIBBIANI'S QUIT!

oh god, someday i'm going to realise how uncool i really really really am. i'm going to write a list SUPER DUPER COOL songs now which i think if you download ALL of them and listen to them over and over again while playing on some mindless computer game and drinking a tonne of pomegranate juice, you might JUST feel a little bit like you're me.

1. One Heavy February 2008 - Architecture In Helsinki

2. Carry Me Home - Blamma! Blamma!

3. Couch On Fire - Boo and Boo Too

4. Colourful Life - Cajun Dance Party

5. Mr Blue - Catherine Feeny

6. Perfect Fit - Clues

7. Newsflash - Diplo

8. Temper, Temper - Envy on The Coast

9. Hit It - Fannypack

10. Wait - Get Set Go

11. Drive Away My Heart Tonight - Ida Maria

12. Hand On Your Heart - Jose Gonzalez

13. Rememo - Kings Of Leon

14. Pass That Joint - Lesbian Afternoon

15. Wishing Well - Love Is All

16. The Casino Brawl - Luke Pickett

17. Welcome To Nowhere - The Mint Chicks

18. Dreamboat - Mirah

19. Fire It Up - Modest Mouse

20. Northwestern Girls - Say Hi

21. We've Been Here Before - Sean Na Na

22. Strange Victory, Strange Defeat - Silver Jews

23. Setting Fire To Sleepy Towns - The Sleeping Years

24. Something Left To Give - The Starting Line

that feeling of love..

http://www.mediafire.com/?am5o3x3mx2m

and it was cold and it rained so i felt like an actor.

1. Five Years - David Bowie

today was interesting. i told my super holy catholic Ethics teacher that i'm gay, and she was all like I ACCEPT YOU AS A STUDENT... but i've got to go and see her on monday afternoon and i'm super intrigued about what she's gonna say/do; i think she's going to WHIP me and make me say 50 hail mary's and make me go and pray in the convent or something equally exciting and dramatic :)!

2. Ziggy Stardust - David Bowie

i'm quite tempted to call my kid Ziggy. my mumma cried at dinner earlier cause she had to make 9 people redundant today; then earlier i came downstairs to find her walking about going 'i want some more wine, i need to get pissed!' and i'm vaguely worried.


















i have lots of vaguely important exams vaguely soon; i'm feeling too mellow to be worried. i think it's all the Bowie.

3. Star - David Bowie


what else happened today? we watched The Age Of Innocence in English this morning; it was quite dull but it had Winona Ryder in it so that was yummy.















um, Holly told me she loved me which was funny but very creepy also.

I want:
1. an eyebrow bar
2. a chin piercing
3. mumma to be more happy
4. to look a bit like a young Bowie
5. lots of lime flavoured jelly

i'm going to play Farm Frenzy 2 now and download Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps).

don't go loco, have a nice mug of cocoa!

1. Wasted Time - Kings Of Leon
2. This Month, Day 10 - CSS

so i'm feeling pretty cheerful :) yesterday was nice-ish, i didn't have to go to school cause i'm sick (cough cough) and i slept in until 12, and then i watched Run Fatboy Run and ate some noodles which put me in a ridiculously good mood, then i slept some more, then i vaguely revised for geography and ye =)

oh and i went to the doctors and he did some funny tests and got me to say 99 a lot and felt my back, and decided that i've got a viral infection and i've also torn a ligament in my rib from coughing so much, oopsie.

today i went into school and revised for geography and wrote a french essay and learnt about THE GOODNESS OF GOD which was pretty riveting; i also convinced Sarah i had swine flu, caught Anna glancing at me (good thing or bad thing?) and sneaked home early cause we didn't have PE last thing.

Laura and I have decided to get tattoos together when we hit 18, and i'm pretty sure i want the number 32 on the back of my neck. It's been my favouritest number ever since i can remember and i'm pretty sure i won't grow out of it... but the question is, normal numerals or roman ones?





<-- imagine that, but as XXXII... and on me :)
















but again, the number 32.. and vaguely smaller. and nicer sort of italic writing.. and a bit further up on the left.. actually scratch that photo, that's not really what i want at all.











do do do do.

we're trying to escape inevitability.

1. Black Hole - The Silent Years

2. Rain - Bishop Allen

3. Tonight I Have To Leave It - Shout Out Louds

4. Cigarettes & Alcohol - Oasis

5. This Is Just The Beginning - The Reason

so it's 1pm, and i'm going to be home alone until tomorrow afternoon... i feel a breakdown coming on already; i'm horrendously shit at looking after myself.

this morning i went to Costcutters to buy myself some food for the weekend; i freaked out and ended up buying some dairylea dunkers, a can of red bull, two mangoes and some lime flavoured jelly.

oh goddddd this whole 'reaching maturity' thing better hurry up before i do something very very stupid.

i would offer you my pulse if i thought it would be useful.

i want:

1. my cough/sore throat/bruised rib to miraculously disappear


2. warmer hands


3. to meet ani difranco


4. a chin piercing


5. smaller hips


6. to be a bit crazy in a quirky way and not a really worrying way


7. to able to sing exactly like regina spektor


8. to pass my driving test super soon so i can drive around and listen to nice music and feel more at peace with life


9. to look a bit like a tiger


10. a girlfriend with charisma and determination and a nice smell


11. to stop being so god damn immature


12. something vaguely exciting to happen


13. a big tub of something yummy


14. to be more motivated


15. to be able to talk to my mum and sister about personal stuff more without cringeing - they know i'm gay, but does that give me permission to say COR LOOK AT THOSE TITS in front of them when we're watching a pretty lady on television? =/ tough call.


16. to be 16 again


17. to know everything about everything, but in a modest kinda way

there we go, one want for every year of my life :)

cos without rules and regulations, life is just a series of surprises.

so today was okay-ish, i've been feeling a bit spaced out/melancholy though.. i had my french oral exam and my SURPRISE article was about electrically powered bicycles : but it was alright, afterwards madame said my understanding was excellent but my accuracy was average.

so i guess i always know what i want to say, but it doesn't always come out right.

1. Your Next Bold Move - Ani DiFranco


2. America - Simon & Garfunkel


3. My Hero - Foo Fighters

i swear i'm always going to think i'm cooler than i actually am. this morning was the handing over assembly; Roisin whose head girl announced all the posts, and when she said SOPHIE CALVERT IS OUR NEW RE CAPTAIN i had to walk across the stage to 'jesus christ superstar' and behind me on a projector screen was a picture of me pointing to a Mary statue kinda funnily and grinning.

the funny thing is i wasn't even vaguely embarassed; i don't think i could do much more to ridicule myself at that school to be very honest.

my parents are in france, alice is in london and i think jana's with her boyfriend although she may be upstairs sleeping. bahhhh, i probably should have gone to kitty's house.

today at lunch everyone was talking about willies and having sex with boys and i felt pretty left out. i wonder if i'll ever turn straight; girls are a lot nicer looking and more sensitive and creative and friendly than boys. they're also more intimidating, which i think gives them character and allure and ting.

i found something crying, it was my soul.

it's okay really though, cos my cat's shiny and sleek and beautiful.

she did have mouse guts stuck to her belly the other day though, oh dear.

i really want an iguana; i'd call him Mustafa and i could carry him around on my shoulder.

which way to happy?

so i don't know really.
got my french speaking exam on friday, so you know, that devrait interessant. aujourd hui mrs ruddock went a bit crazy in notre lesson and gave us all Mr Men livres to read and put on Edith Piaf for the rest of the lesson; c'etait refreshing in a way.
i'm thinking maybe i should start DOING SOMETHING. you know, anything... just something. well i'm taking my driving test soonish so that's quite exciting; the other day i did reverse bay parking perfectly for the first time and my driving instructor looked like he was going to cry, so that was quite nice.















these are things that make me happy: kitty easdale and her house and her super duper coolness, when it rains super super hard, having vaguely meaningful conversations with people i don't really know, the collective sound of people taking off their seatbelts at the end of a flight, the way ani difranco says 'fuck', the way adam green says 'vagina', the way regina spektor says '32', when dad goes out and panic buys something i really like to have like blueberry juice or orange highlighter pens or houmus, when my sister's home, the way that when you blow bubbles sometimes they bounce off things instead of popping, thinking about when kimya dawson hugged me, quoting nice films like juno and almost famous and girl, interuppted and running with scissors and hellraiser and SHROOMS (well not so much shrooms but i only watched it the other day with alice and we laughed and laughed at it's super duper cheesy but kinda has a cool plot ish), when my hair behaves, pretty girls with big eyes and determined characters, reading old diaries.
















these are things that irritate/frustrate me ish: when people take off their seatbelts before the sign's been switched off so it's less in unison, people who don't appreciate postsecret/juno/the miracle of bubbles.... errr, yeah, not that much irritates me really :)

so all the posts of responsibility at school have been announced, and i'm RE CAPTAIN which is a bit of a big big joke but it's quite a funny one. my friend molly summed it up by saying 'sophie, you're RE captain? but you're a lesbian, you smoke, you drink, you've done drugs, you lie, you cheat and you steal... you've pretty much broken all the 10 commandments, how fucking brilliant'.

1. Take Me To The Riot - Stars
2. Missed The Boat - Modest Mouse
3. Bomb This Track - Mindless Self Indulgence
4. Year Of The Cat - Al Stewart
5. Dog Days Are Over - Florence And The Machine
6. Hips Are Bad - Rachael Cantu
7. Notion - Kings Of Leon
8. Alcohol - CSS
9. Sunbeams and Some Beans - Kimya Dawson

il y a quelque chansons qu'interesse moi beaucoup en ce momente, et je crois qu'un jour peut-etre tout cette chansons sera vraiment grande et populaire et pas seulement numero sept. OOH je suis pense de une autre chanson qui est plus populaire que les chansons mentionees - Positive Tension a Bloc Party. Oui, ca, c'est fantastique innit.

pourquoi vous etes devez devenir trop hysteriques? - Party du Bloc.

so anyway.