I just need to keep you in mind as something larger than life.

Oh how I love holidays.

Today I went into town and met Hooshmand and we went to this huge posh weird housing complex behind Brighton station where he lives so he and a witness could sign his tenancy agreement; then I left and actually got lost for about 5 minutes which was really disconcerting because I generally feel like I know Brighton like the back of my hand now, but then I inexplicably ended up by Aldi and it was okay. Went to Rob's and luckily he was in to sign his tenancy agreement, then walked to Doig's to get his signed and I was going to head straight to the post office to send them all off but then you know, Doig happened.

So instead I stayed and we watched about seven episodes of the Vampire Diaries and ordered indian take-away and talked about life and it was really nice - haven't had quality Doig time in a while. Ummm now I'm home and super chilled out despite the fact I haven't heard back from that fish and chip place yet and my room's a fucking tip. But it's okay because I have three whole months to serve fish and chips and clean my room and do a whole host of other things. Tomorrow I plan on sending off the tenancy agreements and cleaning my room and dying my hair and playing the Sims 3... it's a hard life :)

Also today I listened to this song like 1029048234 times because a) I FUCKING LOVE EMO MUSIC AND I DON'T EVEN CARE and b) I was wearing my new Taking Back Sunday hoodie for the first time so every time I look down at my left sleeve and see the name printed there I'm like I KNOW LET'S LISTEN TO TAKING BACK SUNDAY... marketing, eesh. (Also I forget that this video has all the Fight Club montages in it and it makes me even more happy).

i don't think about you all the time, but when i do i wonder why

I really like that my housemate James has lots of things that I can play with like a big glow in the dark stick and a dj set and circus things, and I like that today we had a bbq and it was really sunny and I spent hours drinking cider and smoking cigarettes and learning circus tricks with sticks and tassles and things and running around and listening to Fatboy Slim and I didn't feel fat or ugly or inadequate I just felt nice.

Tomorrow Triston and I are going to my parent's house for dinner and to help my dad cut the garden hedge, and we're staying over and then on Sunday we're going to Slamdunk festival at Hertfordshire Uni which I'm really looking forward to because it will be all emo and nostalgic, and then Monday will probably be pretty shitty cos I'll be knackered but I'll have to cram revise, and then Tuesday morning it's my 3 hour exam and then I'll be free as a bird with a french fry :)

Don't you love it when you realise the house is empty so instead of doing revision you watch re-runs of Supersize vs. Superskinny and then cry because one of the supersize girls is only a few stone heavier than you so you eat a whole tub of chicken tikka sandwich filler and a big bag of crisps and then throw up and then eat two more big bags of crisps and then throw up and because you're upset you do it really violently and manage to get it all over your hair and face and clothes and bathroom floor

I know I do

Four kicks who's strutting now?

So despite the fact that I still have one more deadline and an exam to go, I've decided to give myself some time off (from time off) and make a SUMMER list of all the exciting things I want to do in my glorious 3 months of vague freedom - getting a full time job aside.

BOOKS TO READ


Hamlet - Shakespeare (I feel like such a failure of an English student when I realise I've never read this)
ALL THE DICKENS
Beloved - Toni Morrison
By Way of Swann's - Marcel Proust
The Aeneid - Virgil
ALL THE CHUCK PALAHNIUK
Filth - Irvine Welsh
The Rainbow - D.H. Lawrence
The Fall of the House of Usher and other stories - Edgar Allen Poe
The Bonfire of the Vanities - Tom Wolfe
Vanity Fair - William Thackeray

THINGS TO WATCH 


Game of Thrones
Vampire Diaries
re-watch Pushing Daisies
Dark Shadows
General trash - 90210, the OC, Gossip Girl... ALL THESE THINGS I'VE NEVER WATCHED BUT SHOULD BECAUSE THEY WILL ENRICH MY MIND

THINGS TO DO


19th June - picking dad up from Gatwick airport
21st June - Cat's burfday shindig
23rd June - Emily Harris' shindig
1st July - Kimya Dawson
5th July - Die Antwoord

General other times - DO FUN THINGS but also get a job. Really Sophie, get a job.

I wanna be a hero when I grow up

Acts I've seen live (this is most definitely a partial list, as there are two festivals where I was so twatted that I can't really remember any bands I saw, oops):

1. Adam Green
2. Admiral Fallow
3. Airborne Toxic Event
4. The Anomalies
5. Anti Flag
6. Arcade Fire
7. Astronautalis
8. Badly Drawn Boy
9. Beggarz Fixx
10. Ben Caplan & the Casual Smokers
11. Benjamin Francis Leftwich
12. Ben Tatham
13. Bernhoft
14. Biffy Clyro
15. BIGkids
16. Bitches
17. Blink 182
18. Bloc Party
19. Born Gold
20. BOYCOM
21. Brand New
22. Cajun Dance Party
23. Carly Bryant
24. Carnival Collective
25. Cats and Cats and Cats
26. Chet Faker.
27. Cocknbull Kid
28. Congo Natty
29. The Correspondents
30. Cypress Hill
31. Dan le Sac vs Scroobius Pip
32. Danananakroyd
33. Darwin Deez
34. Daughter
35. Deaf Club
36. Dirty Pretty Things
37. Dizzee Rascal
38. Doorly.
39. Editors
40. Ellen and the Escapades
41. Emma Louise
42. The Enemy
43. Fall Out Boy
44. Fatboy Slim
45. Feeder
46. Films of Colour
47. Florence and the Machine
48. The Fratellis
49. Frightened Rabbit
50. Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.
51. Gogol Bordello
52. Gross Magic
53. Guns n Roses
54. Heathers
55. I Am the Avalanche
56. Ida Maria
57. Imperial Leisure
58. Islet
59. Jack's Mannequin
60. The Jezabels
61. Jim Lockey and the Solemn Sun
62. Joe Corbin
63. Jordan Cook aka Reignwolf
64. Joe Driscoll
65. Jumping Ships
66. Kaiser Chiefs
67. Kalakuta Millionaires
68. Karima Francis
69. Kimya Dawson
70. Kings of Leon
71. The Killers
72. The Libertines
73. Los Campesinos!
74. The Maccabees
75. Mallory Knox
76. Manchester Orchestra
77. Martin Creed
78. Master Shortie
79. Metric
80. The Midnight Beast
81. Mindless Self Indulgence
82. Modest Mouse
83. Momerath
84. Mr B the Gentleman Rhymer
85. Mystery Jets
86. New Groove Formation
87. Paramore
88. Patrick Wolf
89. Pendulum
90. Plain White T's
91.. Professor Elemental
92. Quantic
93. Queens of the Stone Age
94. The Raconteurs
95. Shy FX
96. The Skints
97. Slow Club
98. The Special Ks
99. The Subways
100. Submotion Orchestra
101. Swanton Bombs
102. Taking Back Sunday
103. Tegan and Sara
104. Tenacious D
105. Theme Park
106. Tin Roots
107. The Town Heroes
108. Trippple Nippples
109. Two Door Cinema Club
110. Two Jackals
111. Vampire Weekend
112. Weezer
113. We are Scientists
114. The Xcerts
115. Yeah Yeah Yeahs
116. Yukon Blonde
117. Zebrahead
118. Lower Than Atlantis
119. Say Anything
120. Motion City Soundtrack
121. Funeral for a Friend
122. The Audition
123. MC Lars


So yeah this isn't everything because I didn't keep a band list for Reading 2010, Playgroup or Shambala and also 5 bands inexplicably disappeared while I was alphabetising them and PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS EVER AGAIN MY BRAIN IS SO DEAD okay bye

so hi my mother and my best friend are the same person

Now is probably a good a time as any to admit to myself/ the internet/ the world the problems I have with food.  I've only recently realised how obsessed I've always been with it in one way or another; in bed the other night I was contemplating some childhood memories and it dawned on me how many of the most vivid ones involve food - not necessarily the happiest or most important memories - but nevertheless I've retained them. Probably the most interesting of these are:

1. We never kept crisps in the house, until when I was probably about 7 or 8 and the football world cup was on and my dad bought a huge box of Walkers cheese and onion crisps. I was allowed one packet every day when the match was on, but I remember sneaking some away afterwards and eating up to four packets a day.
2. When I was very young, as soon as my plate was set down in front of me, I had an obsessive habit with immediately separating out what I was and wasn't going to eat. My mum always recollects how it was surprisingly hard to get me to eat a whole meal for a long time, and then suddenly it was impossible to get me to stop.
3. Similar to the last one but much more amusing, is another obsessive habit I had of re-enacting the scene in the Lion King where Timone and Pumba introduce Simba to eating insects - so I'd say all the lines and only eat a mouthful when Timone or Pumba or Simba eat an insect in the film, and then start the scene all over again.
4. (God these are all coming back to me now) I used to love drawing people, particularly my friends and family, and every time I'd draw someone I'd write their name and age above their picture, and whether they were skinny, normal or fat.

I honestly don't know when I started to put on weight; I guess it was about 7 or 8, but I was always tall for my age and I don't ever remember wearing clothes designed for my age even when I was tiny. I think my issues have possibly got worse recently; when I was in France over Easter my parents and sister were cooing over a photo of me they found when I was about two or three - but all I could really think was how fat I looked in it.

So there were periods when I was a teenager when I actively tried to eat less, and I was probably my skinniest right after I broke up with Sophia the first time. Then in year 12 when I was getting the shit bullied out of me for coming out, I started making myself throw up. The first time it happened was when I got home from a house party really, really drunk - I needed to be sick but it wasn't coming so I just helped it along a bit. I don't know, the incident doesn't really stick out in my mind as the start of anything. I've never, ever thought of myself as bulimic even when I was doing it 2-3 times a week during sixth form - partly because I reckoned I never did enough for it to count, and partly because I didn't think I was losing weight (which I wasn't, but I get a horrible suspicion sometimes that the reason I've put on so much weight at university is because I've mostly stopped). I couldn't even admit to myself properly in my diary, just drawing a little square by the date so I'd know I'd thrown up that day.

Things were (and still are) especially bad when I'm left on my own - I almost always order a shit ton of food, eat it really quickly and then throw up. This happened a lot more during sixth form because my parents went to France a lot, but much less since I've been at university because I'm almost always around Triston. But when I'm not, the binging and purging has been worse - before I tended to only do it alone at home, but since it's also been the toilets of fast food restaurants and in my car at service stations.

Anyway, I've vaguely been on a diet for the past few months, and probably the most unintentional good that I've done is start a blog (http://thingswhichieat.blogspot.co.uk/ if you're super bored) where I solely record what I eat and drink every day. When I started it I was scared I'd become more obsessed, but I actually feel really proud when I can write a post where everything is reasonably healthy and I haven't over-eaten. The (vx) symbols are when I've voluntarily thrown up, (ivx) is where I've involuntarily thrown up.

It's a long haul, and nobody knows any of this apart from Cat, but it's been a relief to get it all down. I could go on forever about everything else to do with food that's happened in my life; like how there was a huge book this girl had written of everything she ate in a year at an art exhibition in Hungary and my sister had to tear me away from it because I just stood there and read it the whole time we were there, or how (I don't know if this is really related or not) I'm incredibly terrified of cooking for other people and I still get super paranoid even making food for Triston and I'm always convinced everything's burnt or tastes horrible. Anyway, I'll stop now.

Turn me back into the pet I was when we met.

Bah, last night wasn't very fun in the end. Got nice and drunky and druggy at big house for pike's birthday, then went to Volks but the queue was ridiculous so ended up at Concorde (completely forgetting it was a star wars themed night, which if everything had turned out okay probably would have been hilarious). Triston couldn't get in cause the bouncer said he was too fucked, which I hadn't really noticed up until then but then realised that he could barely string a sentence together and had the scariest fucked eyes I've ever seen on him.


The girls insisted I went in without him and he'd be fine, so I paid a fiver to get in but even within the first 10 minutes I wasn't enjoying myself at all cause all I could do was worry about him and what he was doing. Went and had a cigarette and a weep on Lizzy, who said that if I really thought he couldn't get home on his own and I wasn't going to have a good time anyway, I should take him home. So Tess came with me to find him, agreed that he needed someone with him, so I left.

Getting him home was okay, probably because I didn't want to have to deal with him on a bus and so paid 12 quid for a taxi, but it got us home super quickly. Got the majority of his clothes off and put him to bed (his bed), and thought everything would be fine, but at some point he woke up and came into my room and really pissed me off/ kinda freaked me out because he just wouldn't leave. I tried to explain multiple times that I loved him but I didn't want to have to look after him any more tonight, and if he loved and respected me he'd go back to his room and go to bed and I'd talk to him in the morning cause I just needed some peace and quiet. After each explanation he'd say 'yes okay okay, I will' to which I'd say '.. now, Triston, I want you to go now', to which he'd reply with something completely incomprehensible, or half started sentences like 'you seem to think that..' or 'because I...' and then look at me for an answer as if he'd said the whole thing, or (most frustratingly at all) 'just chill out, sophie, sophie, just calm down, don't worry', but then he still wouldn't fucking leave.

In the end I threatened to go downstairs and get Butch to come up and make him leave me alone, and only when I was halfway down the stairs I heard him say 'fuck this' and go back into his room.

I watched glee for a few hours, slept from 6am to around 8:30am, then went to the post office to post the paperwork for the house next year (finally) and now I don't know. I just swear to god he'd better treat me like royalty today, but I know he won't and I know he'll try to deny being that fucked/ being incomprehensible/ upsetting and scaring me because he's too fucking proud for his own good.
I wasted 18 quid on that boy last night, plus the mandy we'd been saving for ages for a big night, plus an awesome night out with pretty much all our close friends. I know deep down that it was the right thing to do because there's no way he would have gotten home by himself, and he would have got bored waiting outside Concorde eventually and wandered off, but right now I really wish I had just left him there.

Went home for the afternoon and was welcomed by the lovely surprise of NEW CLOTHES from my pappa, probably because every time I go home I look like a smelly threadbare but highly loveable tramp.

(this dress is a lot greener in real life, like mint green)

I'M GOING TO BE A FLORAL VISION THIS SUMMER probably, but also clearly my dad also thinks i'm not hippie enough for Brighton cause he also got me THESE:

Also my mum's contribution to my general welfare was twenty quid and two bottles of wine, I really love my parents sometimes/ all the times when they give me things.

ain't this just like the present to be showing up like this?

So yesterday I started walking to uni with every intention of going to my 11am seminar and then to my 4pm seminar, but then I accidentally got on a bus to town instead. Procrastinated by managing to stay in town for over 12 hours, what AM I... I hung out at Big House with Holly, Leon and Steph for a while and we smoked a lot and watched funny youtube videos and ate key lime cheesecake. Then I spent ages persuading Charlie to come to the pub with me, so we went to the World's End and then Doig turned up and then Saffie turned up (who Doig invited cause he wants to get in her pants but I don't think it's going to happen really) and then Hooshmand came (who I invited cause he may be living with us next year so I thought we should really get to know him better) and then Triston came and it was all merry and nice.

Then Triston, Doig, Charlie and I went back to Big House and Triston played nice guitar and Doig and I played card games and then we were going to go to Madame Geisha's to see some guy Doig knows dj but none of us could really be bothered so we watched Black Books with Alia and Dave for a bit instead and then Triston and I shimmied back to Coldean and had the best sex there ever was in the world, probably.

Now with all that procrastination and lack of academic goodness and all the drinking and eating rubbish, today is theoretically going to be a detox day where I get down to some work and eat healthy - the fact that I'm still in bed and am going to town in an hour (although to be fair I do need to, meeting new landlord ahh) makes this likelihood drop to approximately zero.

sit me down, shut me up

i like this girl a lot.

i guess that my truth is just the ghost of my lies

I don't know who I want to be anymore.


'A lazy-arse, scruffy-hair, outa-bed-stumbling, illegal cigarette smoking, freek-mode munchie getting, Nutella right 2 da edge of her white bread spreading, cute boy wif no-front-teeth scoping, 'wat de fok happened last night??? i'm never drinking again!' vowing, head-ache pumping, horse-tranquilizer pill-popping, squishy little cheekie weekie zef rap-rave pixie.'


I want to be the all the girls Jesse Lacey has ever written any song about (even Seventy Times 7), I want to be the protagonist in The Bell Jar and Harry Potter and the His Dark Materials trilogy and Hi there! Supermouse and May and The Outsider and Catcher in the Rye and Chicago the musical and in any horror film that I survive in, and the author of A Clockwork Orange and Fight Club and Everything is Illuminated and The Black Prince and The Handmaid's Tale and House of Hunger and Heart of Darkness and The Great Gatsby and Othello and Never Let Me Go and Great Expectations and every other book that's ever touched me, and I want to be Effy, Emily and Cassie from Skins and Sookie from True Blood and Phoebe from Friends and any female drummer that's ever existed and Rizzo from Grease and Fran from Black Books and Yolandi Visser from Die Antwoord and Hayley Williams and Ani Difranco.
 I want to be ruthless, kind, continually amusing, inexhaustable, thin, good looking, intelligent, humble, proud, dignified, unattainable, intimate, distant, independent, discrete, quietly spoken - a tortured soul, some of the time. I want to be anyone with naturally straight hair or green eyes. I want to be anyone with an accent different to mine. I want to be anyone who has good posture, anyone who can handle their drink, anyone who's thin, anyone with cheek bones, anyone who appears secretive, anyone with a caffeine addiction, anyone who does or doesn't smoke, anyone who doesn't eat, anyone with a marketable talent, anyone who is motivated to succeed in something. 
I want to be French, Spanish, Italian, Brazilian, Australian, Canadian, Mexican, Thai, Swiss, Dutch, Japanese. I want to be a traveller, I want to be a housewife, I want to be a mother, I want to be homeless, I want to be a slut, I want to be a 'mentalist', I want to be a 'hottie', I want to be a weirdo, I want to be a creep, I want to be normal, I want to be insane, I want to be a prude, I want to be an academic, I want to be a druggie, I want to be 'on it', I want to be modest, I want to be a mystery. I want to be approximately every reasonably attractive girl i've ever met. I want beauty, power, pride, but I also want none of these things.
 I want to be a poet, a primary school teacher, a museum curator, an author, a solicitor, a music producer, a film director, a singer, a glass blower, a pub owner, a bookshop owner, a librarian, a cafe owner, a university lecturer, a nurse, a waitress, an astronaut, a philosopher, a professional blogger, a manager of music festivals, a journalist, a magazine editor, a film critic, a greetings card designer, a hairdresser, a spinster, a tramp, a loony. except I really don't want to be an astronaut. I want to be everybody and nobody i've ever met.

Have you forgotten what we were like then
when we were still first rate
and the day came fat with an apple in its mouth

it’s no use worrying about Time
but we did have a few tricks up our sleeves
and turned some sharp corners

the whole pasture looked like our meal
we didn’t need speedometers
we could manage cocktails out of ice and water

i wouldn’t want to be faster
or greener than now if you were with me O you
were the best of all my days

if anyone can watch all 4 minutes and 16 seconds of this without shedding a tear, then I salute you.

the boombox on my shoulder is a box of clementines

So we went 'house hunting' yesterday and by house hunting I mean we looked round two houses that I booked viewings for because nobody else had bothered to book any yet. The first one was massive and super nice and a bit of a maze with a decent garden and free parking for Jeff and it's like 15 minutes walk from town and not massively expensive; Triston and I were really keen straight away but Steph and Henry um-ed and ah-ed because for them it's too far away from the centre of town.

So that was okay because I'd booked another house viewing that afternoon which was a lot closer to town although looked a bit grim and standardly student-like. We went to the beach for a bit and then when it was time to go see the second house they both bailed because it was a hot day and they were having fun and drinking rum and couldn't be bothered to walk back into town to see this house.

So. Triston and I went and saw this house which, as I had suspected, was okay but nothing special, not as big as the first house and a bit more expensive. Also the estate agent said it was their policy for all six people to look around before we could secure it, and as Doig's in India for a month that kind of ruled it out straight away.

Phoned up Steph who was a bit drunk, talked about it for a bit and agreed to go for the first house because her and Henry both agreed that it was really beautiful and not too far. She said that she would phone Becky to run the details past her before we 100% confirmed anything, and I said that was fine as long as she let me know that night or today. Emailed the landlord saying we almost certainly wanted to live there and we just needed to talk to one other girl and would let him know by today.

Texted Steph at 10am today reminding her to phone Becky and haven't got any reply. Just tried phoning her and she won't pick up. The landlord also hasn't replied to my last email so now I'm stressing out and just a bit pissed off to be honest. It feels like I'm the only one who actually really cares and wants to get a house soon, cause I'm the only one that's bothered to actually trawl the internet for hours for houses, so I know that there's really hardly anything out there because we've left it so late. Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Da dee da. Haven't done a real post in a while so I might as well. I've finished all my deadlines for the term which is very exciting, although I haven't really celebrated properly yet because almost everyone I know still has insane amounts of work for next week. Had a beautiful spontaneous barbecue with my housemates (minus Matt, which probably helped) last night coupled with Triston and Butch trying to fix the outside drain which was hilarious - Butch blocked it by throwing a load of old barbecue ash/ charcoaly water down it, silly silly man.

Been getting vague insomnia but nothing too serious, I've just started getting really restless and vaguely panicky right before I'm about to go to sleep. That plus me waking up weirdly early means I've been feeling pretty surreal and manic over the past few days, not necessarily a bad thing.

Ummmm last week of term next week, but I'm gonna stay in Brighton for most of Easter cause I have insane amounts of work to do which I need the campus library for ideally - not actually going back to Ascot at all apart from next weekend for Mothers Day, and then I'm flying to France to meet my parents, Alice and Eddy for a few days from April 8th to the 14th.

blame it on my ADD baby.

so ridiculously obsessed with this song right now.

Me: I want some sex
Triston: well go rub up against a table leg or something, i'm working

TRUE LOVE

Last night I dreamt that my friend Ruth tried to have sex with me and then it turned out that she had a willy and I didn't want to have sex with her and she got really upset and then the next morning I was making tuna sandwiches for Triston and Doig except the tuna looked like pink caviar and I was telling them about Ruth having a willy but they didn't believe me.

I also dreamt that our living room was an aquarium and we had loads of fishes and a shark and a huge tortoise, and we still had the cricket feeder (which we have in real life to feed the bearded dragon) except instead of crickets there were massive spiders in there, and we had to feed them couscous to keep them alive but then some of them turned into butterflies and some of them turned into tiny elephants and I was terrified of the massive spiders but the tiny elephants were really cute.

and i was not the answer so forget you ever thought it was me

Everything is so strange right now; Triston and I have been sleeping ridiculous amounts - I can't remember the last time I got out of bed before 1pm - and missing lots of lectures and stuff and I'm not even really sure why. It's not like we've been going to bed late or going out clubbing or having hectic days or really DOING anything, it's just one endless cycle of lethargy and not really knowing what to do with ourselves.

You know what they say about getting older
It's only a doorway away
You know what they say about it getting colder
In the middle of the day

You can live in the corner of my room
And I will live somewhere between the ceiling and the wall
And if I need anything at all
I'll call out to you,
That's what I'll do

I'll sit out on the front sofa while your hands, they talk to me
All of this dragging around is not as fun as it used to be

Oh here we go again
All that I wanted, all that I needed.

may have already posted this, but I'm seeing them in May and got SUPER excited about it today :)

Take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in
Well you're my favourite bird and when you sing
I really do wish you'd wear my ring
No matter what they say, I am still the king
And now the storm is coming, the storm is coming, yeah. 

New favourite, they were incredible live and it's nice to be passionate about music again. 

i'm not sick but i'm not well

Today I'm dying my hair, la.

I want somebody who will either put out for me or put me out of my misery.

50 Things I Dislike About Myself


1. My belly
2. My stretch marks
3. My hips
4. My legs
5. My hair when it's being useless
6. My eyebrows
7. My sideburns/ snail trail/ occasional boob hair
8. How clumsy I can be
9. How melodramatic I can be
10. How socially awkward I can be
11. How boring I can be
12. How I never really have anything to say any more
13. How I've never really had anything to say
14. How stupid I can be
15. How ignorant I can be
16. How unmotivated and undriven I am most of the time
17. How whenever I'm with somebody I'll imitate the way they talk and the way they do things because I'm not really sure how to be me
18. How I feel so dull and inadequate around Big House, but such a constrained extrovert in my own home
19. How I'm really not very funny any more
20. How I'm really not very intelligent any more
21. How irritated I've become with people
22. How the lustre and excitement of Brighton has almost completely faded already
23. How sad and angry I've become for no real reason
24. How I always tell myself I'll get thin but then never do anything about it except throw up occasionally
25. How trapped I feel but how I hate myself for being so fucking self absorbed and how I should really man up but instead I cry and wallow like an idiot
26. How I feel like not enough tragedy has happened in my life to make me an interesting or worthwhile person
27. How much like my mother I can be
28. How much like my father I can be
29. How selfish I can be
30. How jealous I am, all the time
31. How I feel like I'm causing my own insanity but I'm too weak to do anything about it
32. How I'm not really into music like I used to be
33. How nothing's really exciting any more and how I can't tell if things have become dull or if it's me that's become dull
34. How dependent I am on Triston
35. How scared I can get
36. How I can't handle my alcohol
37. How I lie a lot about small things without really thinking about it
38. How restless I can be
39. How cold I can be towards others when I'm angry
40. How lazy I am
41. How apathetic I can be
42. How I can't sing
43. How I can't draw
44. How I can't dance
45. How I can't really talk to strangers any more without feeling socially inadequate
46. How I can't really talk to anybody any more except Triston and Cat without feeling socially inadequate
47. How I don't even really know how to act in front of my own family
48. How I have this ridiculous obsession with being 'cool' and how I get so frustrated with myself when I'm not exactly how I picture myself to be
49. How I have this ridiculous obsession with 'if I don't do this in a certain way I'm going to die' and I can't stop thinking it no matter how hard I try e.g. if I don't go and make toast and come back to my room before this song finishes, I'm going to die; if I don't get to town before 3pm, I'm going to die. The worst are things I can't even determine, like 'if my tutor's wearing green today, I'm going to die' or 'if the hot water decides not to work today, I'm going to die.'
50. How I can't be completely alone for more than a few hours without doing the following (not necessarily in this order): cry, have a panic attack, eat too much, throw up.

And I feel right at home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my ways.

I feel despondent and distracted 99% of the time; 2012 has not really started well.

Well I don't know; Christmas was beautiful as was New Year in France with Triston and my parents. On New Years Day it was unexpectedly sunny with clear blue skies and crisp cold air so we semi climbed up a snowy mountain with beautiful views and oh my god I'm not sure that I've ever felt quite as happy.

But since then it's really gone downhill - as soon as we got back from France I just didn't feel right and was miserable and boring and cried. Then on the drive back to Brighton we stopped at a service station to get cigarettes, and there was a huge puddle on the slip road leading out which we couldn't pass - Triston and I argued about which way to go and I ended up violently stalling the car and yelling at him and slamming my hands on the horn and swearing and eventually I burst into tears which didn't stop for a long, long time.

Bits have been okay since we got back; we went to visit Doig who has alcohol poisoning from spending New Year's in Scotland and had curry and watched silly films, I was sort of happy then. And Cat briefly came over to pick up her flatlet keys and i hadn't seen her for forever, and I had pretty good sex yesterday, um. It's hard to explain: it's like I'm just indifferent to people and and my course and Brighton and my finances and my appearance and food and drink and music and pretty much anything that has ever happened, is happening or will happen. The only things I really ever feel myself wanting to do are smoke cigarettes and sleep. Occasionally I also want to play on The Sims 3 or go for a walk or have sex.

I'm writing an essay on Madame Bovary which is pretty relevant I guess.

'Deep down, all the while, she was waiting for something to happen. Like a sailor in distress, she kept casting desperate glances over the solitary waster of her life, seeking some white sail in the distant mists of the horizon. She had no idea by what wind it would reach her, towards what shore it would bear her, or what kind of craft it would be - tiny boat or towering vessel, laden with heartbreaks or filled to the gunwhales with rapture. But every morning when she awoke she hoped that today would be the day; she listened for every sound, gave sudden starts, was surprised when nothing happened; and then, sadder with each succeeding sunset, she longed for tomorrow.'

you scumbag you maggot you cheap lousy faggot

MERRY CHREEEEEEEEESTMASSSSSSSSS!

too early for wine? NEVER!

i got a lot to say to you, yeah i got a lot to say.

yes please to all these.

you're not from brighton

FATBOY SLIM TONIGHT OH MY GOD I'M SO EXCITED IT'S UNREAL I MIGHT DO A LITTLE POO

i'll be holding all the tickets and you'll be owing all the fines

Things I have done recently which have been fun:
1. Went to see Benjamin Francis Leftwich
2. Went to see Patrick Wolf
3. Went to see Laugh or the Polar Bear gets it (with Tim Minchin and Greg Davies amongst other wonderful people)

Things I am doing in the near future to look forward to:
1. going home the friday before my birthday for dinner and treats
2. going to Charlie's first ever gig in Brighton the saturday before my birthday
3. going to London with tristy for a BURFDAY SURPRISE the sunday before my birthday
4. having a boozy food and cocktail gathering at mine on my birthday
5. going to see Fatboy Slim two days after my birthday :D
6. christmassy nice
7. going to France for new year with my parents and tristy baby
8. going to see Ani Difranco in january

ALL the things!

gold teeth and a curse for this town were all in my mouth

life has been treating me pretty nicely lately (aside from this morning where I managed to singe my hair whilst lighting a cigarette off the hob - now that bit of my hair really smells, stupid sophie), things with Triston are pretty much faultless although I'm slightly worried that I'm becoming somewhat obsessed - he's home for the weekend right now and I miss him stupid amounts, I hardly got any sleep last night because I was so unused to him not being in bed with me. It makes me feel pretty lame but at the same time I know how lucky I am to have something like this.
Course is pretty fun, although I am definitely foresaking two of my modules for my favourite one which maybe isn't the best thing to do but eh. The Art of Short Fiction really is not even comparable to the other two in terms of content, exciting assessments and actual enjoyment. For my 3500 word creative writing piece (due at the end of term) i'm writing a series of dramatic monologues about my dad's side of the family - with my grandad being in a prisoner of war camp in Hong Kong for 4 years, my grandma fleeing from the brutal Chinese communist revolution and my dad having a bizarre and ultimately dreadful childhood, i've got a lot to work with and it's so bloody fascinating.
So really the only snag right now is my fucking evil housemate - I don't even really want to go into right now because it angers and upsets me, but suffice to say that I never thought there were genuinely bad people in the world until I realised what she's capable of. I know that she's definitely moving out by Christmas, but that still leaves 5 weeks of supreme unfun-ness.

i'm looking at you through the glass, don't know how much time has passed.

So I'm on my period for the first time in seven months and I want to bludgeon everything in sight to death.

Went to see this guy last night at Komedia with Cat, beautiful night :)

my eyes were dark till you woke me.

1. Got the implant two days ago; the nurse assured me it would be all fine and dandy but it aches like a bitch
2. Got a pretty bad cold, but it's quite nice in that it's made me feel detached from reality
3. Benjamin Francis Leftwich on Monday!
4. i'm wearing my t shirt of irony - 'put down the drugs and give jesus a hug!' - which makes everything better
5. if anyone has a couple of grand to spare, please buy me everything on this website:

http://www.monseratdelucca.com

yeah I feel so good when I know you're skanking with me

I'm in such a good place right now :) course is mega fun and engaging; gave in a fairly good piece of creative writing in my Art of Short Fiction seminar on Tuesday and braved giving the first presentation in my Tragedy seminar on Thursday. Nights out have been beautiful, as have things with my sexy man and house mates (bar Eleanor, but she's been pretty much keeping to herself).

come on skinny love, let me in

My temper has been so up and down over the past few days; I'm kind of hoping it's an extended come down from the crazy rave extravaganza on Friday night, because if it's not then I don't know when I'm going to be happy and stable again.

every rose has it's thorn, just like every night has it's dawn

House is lovely, friends are lovely, Brighton is incredible. Despite losing my purse the day I moved in and so not having ANY cash, any way to access cash or any form of I.D for 5 days (until it got handed in to the security office on campus with everything in it down to the couple of quid's change - this is why I love the people round these parts) I still had a pretty amazing time which I think is a testament to just how much I love Brighton.
Wednesday night - went to an open mic night at The Druids Head in the south lanes where Charlie and Holly both played and were incredible. Went back to the Big House (where Charlie, Holly, Alia, Ruth, Pike, Edd and Lizzy live) for nice drinky and chatty times.
Thursday - Zipped about in Jeff, moving some of Holly's stuff from Jack Lloyd's old house to the Big House. stayed in in the evening and drank lambrini out of champagne flutes, ate leftover chinese and watched lots of True Blood :)
Friday - Doig's dad took us out for drinks and dinner and my god did I get battered as fuck... three glasses of champagne, a rum and coke, a glass of white wine, a blue lagoon cocktail, a few glugs of a bottle of rose wine i found on the pavement and around 10-15 jaegerbombs. enough said.
Saturday - hangingggg like a bad man, still went to Doig's big birthday party at the Big House which was packed and mental. tactically chundered twice but kept on drinking till around 3/4am, felt pretty hardcore.
Sunday - Stayed at Big House most of the day being dead; ate cheese on toast and watched Withnail & I followed by Beauty and The Beast. Went to campus and picked up my purse (yay), dinner and more True Blood and sex and lots of sleeps.
Monday & Tuesday - eating, fucking, sleeping, drinking (not necessarily in that order)
Wednesday - Becky and Matt move in! Also went into town, picked up my new debit card, went to Big House, la la la
Thursday - sunny bbq at ours with various people, then into town for another open mic night at the Medusa bar near Churchill Square which Charlie played at and got THREE encores cause he was incredible! Despite slight incident involving pills for 30p and a potential rapist it was a beautiful night :)

And today i'm driving home to go into London for dinner with my parents and sister for my mum's birthday, then tomorrow I was supposed to be moving Cat into Sussex but alas my poor baby is sicky :( Still going to visit and bring treats and love.

now i've been sitting on this abandoned beach for years

Moving house tomorrow, very very excite! Spent the last couple of days clearing out my room, packing and saying goodbye to some friendly faces before I go. Good grief I'm SO eager; I think that in a way going back to university after a year is even better than leaving for university for the first time. I'm just as excited, but also more secure in the knowledge that I have friends, a lovely house and a boyfriend waiting for me there :)

come on Abel, are you going to skin me?

Life over the past couple of weeks has been some of the funnest fun I ever did fun. Firstly there was Shambala which was full of good friends, good drugs, good vibes, good sex and great music - an incredible weekend which could have only possibly been made that tiny bit better by less rain and the presence of Kitty.

Then my sxc bby boi came back with me to sexy Ascot and stayed for a sexy week involving, well, lots of sex and food. He left about an hour ago, and tomorrow morning at around 5am I'm flying to France for a riveting week of trying to read everything I was supposed to have read over the summer (approximately 10 plays, 11 novels, 5 self help books about writing fiction and 1 opera) and being lovingly patronised and nagged by my parents. Wonderful - but as I'm still swimming in the incredible surreality that is/ was this summer, I don't really mind :)

I felt you in my legs before I ever met you.

Things I am afraid of 


1. Death in various forms, but mainly including:
- drowning in a submarine
- killed by a shark
- murdered brutally
2. Somebody I love dying, like mum or dad or alice or aunty dibs or cat or katy or triston.
3. Losing a limb.
4. Going deaf or blind or dumb.
5. Getting stuck somewhere small where nobody can hear me like in a lift alone or a toilet cubicle.
6. Big insects, mainly spiders
7. Large fish and other sea creatures
8. Going crazy early on in life
9. Becoming addicted to something.
10. War
11. Being infertile
12. My diaries getting destroyed
13. Being friendless and alone
14. Living somewhere where I don't feel safe; actually just generally feeling unsafe.
15. Losing all faith and motivation for anything and becoming a recluse
16. Breaking up with Triston
17. Never being able to go to all the places I want to go to
18. Japanese horror films
19. Ghosts and ghost stories
20. The idea of Hell and the Devil
21. Unpleasant revelations.

change your heart - it will astound you

SUCH A HAPPY MOOD!

1. Cat's coming to Sussex in September
2. The money from the sale of my Reading festival ticket has finally become available so I am no longer massively broke
3. Triston's coming to stay on Tuesday
4. Cat's coming to Sussex in September
5. Shambala next week
6. Cat's coming to Sussex in September
7. Cat's coming to Sussex in September
8. Cat's coming to Sussex in September

my heart's got a tricky valve that beats for nobody but you

'Life is GOOD; everyone just overreacts, even me.'

This is something I need to remember more. Been feeling a bit rubbish and sorry for myself because I've been ill and had to come home from Leicester early, but I need to man up and realise that this summer has been pretty fucking wicked so far. I've been to two incredible festivals, been up to Leicester to see my sexy boy twice, been to Brighton and spent time on the beach with some amazing uni friends which I didn't really think I'd see at all over the summer, had some lovely times with old friends from school and even lovelier times with Kitty especially when she came to stay for the last week of term, AND I've still got another festival to look forward to as well as Triston coming to stay and moving into a beautiful new house in September.

Seriously Sophie, cheer the fuck up. 

http://8tracks.com/carolinehood/smile-for-god-sakes

:) 

they say 'my God is a good God and he cares'

Warning: this post is massively honest. I doubt my parents are here but if you are, I implore you not to read this.


Okay, here goes.

Things I Have Done In My First Year At University: 


1. Had sex with a man
2. Had a one night stand with a semi famous person
3. Had sex on a beach
4. Given head
5. Had cunnilingus from a man
6. Had sex outdoors
7. Had anal sex
8. Touched myself in front of a man
9. Watched a man jerk off
10. Had ketamine
11. K holed
12. Had mdma
13. Had ecstacy
14. Had cocaine
15. Had 2CB
16. Had TFMPP
17. Snorted a mystery power
18. Went to a fancy dress party dressed as milk
19. Been extremely stoned
20. Had my appendix taken out
21. Gone on the Pill
22. Had cystitis - a lot
23. Got so drunk i've had to be put to bed
24. Played Burnout 3... a lot
25. Been clubbing and actually enjoyed it
26. Been to lectures
27. Skipped lectures
28. Got my tongue pierced
29. Got my anti tragus pierced
30. Got my lip pierced
31. Left an exam an hour early
32. Got bitten by a horse
33. Spent £100 on underwear in one go
34. Bought a metal snorter
35. Lived away from home
36. Had people hear me having sex
37. Had laughing gas
38. Hallucinated whilst on drugs
39. Been sexually harassed on a train
40. Smoked a lot
41. Went to a fancy dress party as Edward Scissorhands
42. Had a pregnancy scare
43. Taken the morning after pill
44. Watched a DJ perform in a club who i'm friends with
45. Been in love with a boy
46. Overdosed on paracetamol and ibuprofen
47. Got fingered in a club
48. Went to a major political protest
49. Sneaked alcohol into a club
50. Taken drugs on a bus
51. Been to Leicester
52. Got stoned on a beach
53. Read lots of new books
54. Watched lots of new films
55. Been introduced to lots of new music
56. Had my boobs named
57. Had sex in the shower
58. Been trapped in a field full of bulls
59. Not come home till 9 in the morning
60. Got kicked out of a club
61. Tried and failed to learn how to cook
62. Had sex in a stranger's house
63. Felt like I had a sense of purpose
64. Felt like I had no purpose at all.

damn you insomnia

What if I fall and hurt myself, would you know how to fix me?
What if I went and lost myself, would you know where to find me?
If I forgot who I am, would you please remind me
Oh, cause without you things go hazy.

Normally I find lyrics like this pretty cheesy and dull, but they're so achingly relevant when put in the right context of my recent unstable state of mind and Triston's comforting involvement that I can't even listen to this song all the way through without shedding a tear.

I could put my arm around every boy I see, but they'd only remind me of you.

so yeah it's kinda sad.

LEICESTER TOMORROW.

  

i love you too much to leave, don't like you enough to stay

So 2000 Trees was pretty bloody good; back in Ascot recovering before heading off to Leicester on Wednesday which i'm indescribably excited about!

you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins.

Going to 2000 Trees festival tomorrow eeeeeeeee!! I'm suddenly very excited, mainly to see these guys but for the whole shenanigan in general:

i waste all my time just thinking of you.

I miss him so much.

So I dyed my hair red today, and it was possibly the most positive hair colouring experience I've ever had... as much as I love Cat and Katy and Sarah and my sister and anyone else who has ever dyed my hair, it was so much more comforting doing it myself and knowing exactly how much I was applying and where, etc. I bleached it first using peroxide creme (you can get ones with varying percentages of hydrogen peroxide in them, but the guy in Sally's said that any will do the job so I got the lowest one - so as not to completely destroy my hair - which was 6%) mixed with blue powdered bleach. I bleached my roots first but my whole head was still pretty uneven so I bleached my whole hair again, then dyed it with Live Colour XXL in Red passion. Resultssss:

sexy bag on my head after bleaching for the 1st time

result after first bleaching... bit patchy

after first bleaching

after second bleaching, WOW YELLOW!

after the whole bottle had been applied

yeahhhh so it was really messy...

Just after the dye had been rinsed out :) 

final result! well still a bit damp but y'know

they don't love you like I love you

So I definitely didn't spend £35 on hair products today...

2 packets of XXL Live red hair dye (red passion)
John Frieda shampoo and conditioner for red hair
1 litre of creme peroxide
1 sachet of powdered bleach
1 bottle of Osmo intensive deep repair hair treatment
1 sachet of ion reconstructor treatment

ahhh wish me luck! i've got the bleach on my roots as we speak... (only bleaching my roots because they're darker than the tips, and the tips are already pretty blonde)

home is when i'm alone with you

I think that one of the most significant things I learnt this year is that 'Torn' by Natalie Imbruglia is not an original; it's a cover by a band called Ednaswap - they were both released at roughly the same time and it was the Imbruglia version that became famous. I think it might be just because I've always been a massive fan of the song and assumed it was an original that it's BLOWN MY MIND.

Anyway, the original is better (in my opinion) - it has a lot more feeling.

when paper meets the ink, over thinking is the chink in my armour

Drove to Brighton pretty spur of the moment yesterday morning and it was the best decision EVER. Got to Jordann, Loxham and Pom's new house right next to Sainsburys which is where Triston is staying right now, had a cup of tea and a fag and a catch up. Then Triston and I walked into town where we bought some food, ciders and beers and sat on the beach where it was stupidly lovely weather. Later on Holly, Richie, Pike, Eric, Emily B and her boyfriend, Will and Christie joined us and it was so nice because I had no idea there were still that many people in Brighton. I went swimming in the sea in my underwear with Holly and it was SO liberating and lovely.

In the evening Triston and I stayed in with Loxham and Jordann and drank a lot and played video games, and then had quiet sneaky sex on the blow up mattress on their living room (shh Laura Ellis, I definitely NEVER mention sex in my blog!).

I won't be left dancing alone to songs from the past.

So I've been back in Ascot for two and a half days and I'm already ridiculously homesick for Brighton and Sussex campus and East Slope :(

Only two and a half months to go, oh yay. On the plus side I am going to loads of festivals and hopefully becoming an event steward which means I can go to even more festivals and stuff. But still, no drugs or sex or the beautiful beautiful town of Brighton or flat parties or sitting on the beach all day or spending hours talking with random groups of friends or sitting in Doig's room watching crap telly or smoking lots or getting messy and dancing the night away or strangers' house parties in town or... you get the idea.

oh i'm hoping you'll understand, and not let go of my hand

Today I woke up at 10:30, threw on some clothes and walked to Library Square where I met Triston who had just come out of an exam - we had a cigarette and waited until Eleanor turned up and then we walked to our new house in Coldean which took about half an hour. I was very very excited to see the house and it didn't disappoint; decent sized bedrooms, squishy sofas, nice garden, etc. Walked back, met Charlie at the bus stop and went straight into town. Bought a load of random crap I didn't need like some more nail varnish and a pretty notebook and a pen (actually I kind of needed the pen) and a Nandos meal (extra hot chicken pitta, chips and coleslaw, can't go wrong). I also got my lip pierced, and I was weirdly more nervous about it than I've ever been about any piercing before - probably because it really was an impulse decision and because I anticipated a lot of pain (which I was kind of right about, still not as bad as my anti tragus though). then I realised that Triston would probably be kinda angry cause I hadn't told him beforehand and cause he really wants a lip piercing and cause he's always said that one wouldn't suit me, so I went to Ann Summers and bought some sexy underwear with which to reconcile with him.

Errr then I came home and partook in some illegal activity and then realised I have an exam tomorrow at 9:30am so I read the rest of The Great Gatsby which I'm being examined on and had a nap and now I'm in a public computer room on campus eating a tuna sandwich with some difficulty because of aforementioned lip piercing.

I'm also being examined on this guy tomorrow which is quite nice because I love love love love him.

ANIMALS


Have you forgotten what we were like then
when we were still first rate
and the day came fat with an apple in its mouth

it's no use worrying about Time
but we did have a few tricks up our sleeves
and turned some sharp corners

the whole pasture looked like our meal
we didn't need speedometers
we could manage cocktails out of ice and water

I wouldn't want to be faster
or greener than now if you were with me O you
were the best of all my days
- Frank O Hara

she looks like the real thing, she tastes like the real thing

One more exam to go, one more exam to go, one more exam to go. Then Cat and end of term parties and frolicking and lovely lovely Brighton all to myself. YAY. I'm well into Radiohead right now.

and I will learn to cook for you, that's one thing that I plan to do

i'm coming up only to hold you under

I want more soul making moments in life, like when a group of us were sitting on Charlie's bed and spontaneously started singing Animal by Miike Snow or when I had that long catch up with Alex Kirkham or when I saw a man die in a Hungarian tube station or when I drive Cat and her friends to college or when I eat food in public and then spit it out laughing or when food doesn't mean that much to me (which only happens very occasionally like when I'm on amphetamines or when I get jealous) or when I'm at a festival or when Triston tells me beautiful incredible things about life and love without even realising it or when I get drunk with my family or when I get nauseous because I'm so angry or yesterday when I found out that both of my great grandmothers committed suicide by sticking their heads in gas ovens.
I also found out that I'm one sixteenth Jewish, so that's nice I suppose. It's incredible how much of the time I feel like I don't know what's going on, or who I really am or what I'm doing in life - and I think the more of these moments the better because they make me feel more real and more wanted and more living.